Search found 109 matches

by glj
May 6th, 2011, 10:43 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
Replies: 20
Views: 3478

Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 5/3

I think this is much improved. It is very concise. The conflict is given, but briefly. The "First ... Second ... Third ... Fourth ..." structure bothers me. It seems quite formal, as in a scientific journal, ticking off points to be made. The intro paragraph could say "Four things come to mind ..." ...
by glj
April 27th, 2011, 12:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Totally New Query for MAGE STORM (MG Fantasy)
Replies: 12
Views: 1889

Re: Totally New Query for MAGE STORM (MG Fantasy)

I agree with AllieS that this lacks a main conflict. It has an inciting incident and a good background, but the closer it gets to the overall conflict of your story (and I assume there is one), the more general it becomes, degenerating into a listing of interesting creatures that the MC meets. But n...
by glj
April 27th, 2011, 12:13 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: ERHISTAUT (YA fantasy)
Replies: 7
Views: 1405

Re: Query: ERHISTAUT (YA fantasy)

The peasant girl, Heiren Delaire, never intended to fight demons. Or play a part in the murder of the king. But now her country’s rule has passed to a fearsome army captain who has no right to the throne. Hopes of peace diminish, with the captain and his guards trying to usurp noble power and overt...
by glj
April 17th, 2011, 1:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Replies: 10
Views: 2188

Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical

I am approaching you to represent Please consider my YA road-trip/ drama , THE WIND CRIES MARY . because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. Keep it simple here, and use your space to des...
by glj
April 17th, 2011, 12:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: OVERBOARD - New 1st Person Query (4th Revision at Post 11)
Replies: 11
Views: 1871

Re: OVERBOARD - New 1st Person Query (3rd Revision at Post 9)

This is better. Good, tight wording. But maybe a bit too sparse. I wanted some hint as to why the MC feels betrayed by Hannah. I wanted some hint as to the conflict the MC faces, the decision he must make. Dear Amazing Agent, I pulled a trigger, killed my father, and half a year later I’m face down ...
by glj
April 14th, 2011, 12:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: OVERBOARD - New 1st Person Query (4th Revision at Post 11)
Replies: 11
Views: 1871

Re: OVERBOARD - New 1st Person Query

Dear Agent, I pulled a trigger, killed my father, and half a year later I’m face down in Memphis mud trying to forget the girl who betrayed me. I buried my father in his grave, my guilt in myself, and left home on the first available steamboat. Within a month , I met my best friend in a brawl, found...
by glj
April 10th, 2011, 12:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - God from the Machine
Replies: 5
Views: 992

Re: Query - God from the Machine

I found this confusing and didn't buy the premise. It’s the future and Ray Thomas is a man obsessed with the ideas of the past. Space pirates, zombies, supercomputers, and homicidal robots finally exist, I can buy space pirates, but zombies and homicidal robots? Supercomputers already exist. This so...
by glj
April 10th, 2011, 11:55 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Life Journeys of a Cockney Girl
Replies: 4
Views: 906

Re: Life Journeys of a Cockney Girl

I chose to submit my work to you because of your previous interest in memoirs, and because of your affiliation with the respected …….Agency. Life Journeys of a Cockney Girl, No comma needed here, and title should be in all caps. is a 91,000 word Memoir a nd is my first book. A second book nears comp...
by glj
April 3rd, 2011, 4:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: ASSASSIN PI - Romantic Suspense
Replies: 7
Views: 1324

Re: QUERY: ASSASSIN PI - Romantic Suspense

For a disgraced former cop who likens himself to a modern day Dick Tracy, being paid to track down and eliminate bad guys has its perks. Nearly getting killed in the process isn’t one of them. After his last job went south, Private Eye , Jack Gaines , promises to retire to the Bahamas. Makes me wond...
by glj
March 25th, 2011, 4:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Horror of Hayesfield- YA HORROR
Replies: 7
Views: 1147

Re: The Horror of Hayesfield- YA HORROR

My comments are in red, the sentences they comment on are in blue. Sounds like a fun story--I love bargains with demons! :D
You should have no problem working with an agent, then.
by glj
March 25th, 2011, 4:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Touch of Madness
Replies: 19
Views: 2725

Re: A Touch of Madness

So the reason it's so vague is that to add in all the detail you guys are talking about it would basically turn into a synopsis and I already have one of those. I can only include so much and picked out the most important details. So if anyone knows how to be detailed, but not too detailed without ...
by glj
March 24th, 2011, 3:55 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: UNDER A DEAD MOON, fantasy
Replies: 5
Views: 939

Re: Query: UNDER A DEAD MOON, fantasy

Powerful magic comes easily to Lady Fierine Calloun, the daughter of the late, great Archmage Calloun. She’s too clever to have the magic burned out of her, and too wealthy to be relegated to an undermage’s life, fueling the Empire’s factories. Smart mages know to avoid the darker magic of long-impr...
by glj
March 18th, 2011, 3:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE TIME revised version
Replies: 8
Views: 1481

Re: THE TIME revised version

Hmm. I really wanted a glimpse of what havoc/effect a time-traveler would bring. Suggestions below. The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated , she was thrown out of the Secret Departments . A nd locked out of? the elite Cobra Club, made up of just five agents. When Teri was thrown o...
by glj
March 16th, 2011, 5:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited
Replies: 11
Views: 1804

Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

I think the third sentence of paragraph 1 is too indirect, and it is hard to tell who is the subject of the sentence. When the Feds call it case closed in his sister’s death, FBI agent Jonah White is hell-bent on tracking down her stolen inheritance. Too bad Eli Savantes, con artist of the rich and ...
by glj
March 16th, 2011, 5:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Serious vs. Jokey...
Replies: 12
Views: 1741

Re: Query: Serious vs. Jokey...

I like version 2 better, also. With apologies to JoelQ, I think Enewmeyer did a good job of providing an example of how version 2 could be shortened, but without losing important material. The author can study the example in order to come up with his or her own take, if desired. One point. Don't bre...