Search found 39 matches

by sgf
September 20th, 2010, 8:14 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Fantasy novel 1st page
Replies: 12
Views: 4156

Fantasy novel 1st page

Hello! I got such great feedback on my query attempt I decided to submit my 1st page as well. Clunky or unclear prose? Telling vs. showing? Boring or cliche? Would you turn the page? Any comments, suggestions, etc. welcome. Thanks for taking a look, and I'll be happy to return the review! *** Ravene...
by sgf
September 17th, 2010, 1:58 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 300950

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: Madhavan Genre: Fantasy 251 words Ravenel ran, and it seemed as if the land itself was trying to stop her. Vines hidden in the ankle-length grass snagged her black robes, grasping like fingers. Thorns needled into the flesh of her bare feet. She didn’t slow. Behind her, hounds barked and sold...
by sgf
September 17th, 2010, 1:25 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Coming YA
Replies: 7
Views: 2043

Re: The Coming YA

Heya Shadow, I thought this was overall a pretty smooth read. I didn't have a lot to rip apart, but I did have some comments. Overall, I liked the descriptions, there was little tell vs. show, and the dialogue was good. Gabriel got up on a table and raised his mug of wine into the air. “I toast to t...
by sgf
September 16th, 2010, 10:03 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 250 words
Replies: 9
Views: 2230

Re: First 250 words

Hi Amanda, Thanks for sharing your work. This type of fantasy is the kind I like to read, so you post caught my attention. I think you have a decent start, and I would read more. I think the biggest place for improvement is the setting. Consider describing the moon paths. Since they characters seem ...
by sgf
September 16th, 2010, 8:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Fantasy Novel Query-- "3rd" draft
Replies: 17
Views: 4008

Re: Fantasy Novel Query

Thanks to all who offered their their thoughts and suggestions. It helped me get out of the trees so I could better see the forest!
by sgf
September 16th, 2010, 3:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9114

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Hi, Thanks for reviewing my query—I your comments were very helpful! Here to return the favor. I think you have a very nice query and if I was an agent, I’d ask for some pages of the novel. I do have some thoughts on how it could be improved. Of course, others might disagree completely, and like I s...
by sgf
September 15th, 2010, 8:59 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Fantasy Novel Query-- "3rd" draft
Replies: 17
Views: 4008

Fantasy Novel Query-- "3rd" draft

Hello and thanks for taking a look. I'd appreciate any feedback, good or bad. If you'd like me to critique your query, just let me know or send it to me in a message and I'd be happy to offer my thoughts. Sept 29 update: My updated draft is at the end of the thread. Oct 28 update: New draft at end o...
by sgf
September 15th, 2010, 2:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG Fantasy: Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob
Replies: 7
Views: 1342

Re: MG Fantasy: Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob

Hi Ellie Ann, From your query, it sounds like you have a great story-- a quest adventure that tests the friendship of the characters, and with more sinister dangers before them and behind! I think your query could be refined though. It seemed like you introduced too many things, and they didn't alwa...
by sgf
September 14th, 2010, 5:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)
Replies: 19
Views: 3329

Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)

Hi Jaligard, I’m a newbie here, though for what it’s worth I’ve reviewed queries on other websites and am working on my own. I know condensing a 95,000+ word story into a 250 word synopsis is a daunting task to put it nicely. I hope you find some of my comments below helpful. Born blind, the street ...