Search found 31 matches

by ABFTomioka
September 14th, 2010, 9:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 2687

Re: Running in Flip-Flops - Second Draft

Here is the revised query as of 9/14.... I cut a lot out, hoping to keep the essence of the story without any extraneous detail. How does it look? Shannon Wheaton has no running water or electricity, and that’s the easy part. Blazing with determination to become part of a community and improve peopl...
by ABFTomioka
September 14th, 2010, 3:48 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Bring Me Back, women's fiction--Updated 9/23
Replies: 32
Views: 5130

Re: Query: Bring Me Back, women's fiction--Updated AGAIN

Hello! This looks like a fun story with appeal for almost everyone - I don't know anybody who DIDN'T fantasize about rock stars when they were young! Or not-so-young, as the case may be. :) The query looks really good to me, but here are a couple suggestions... Dear Agent, Claire Abby is a single mo...
by ABFTomioka
September 14th, 2010, 3:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
Replies: 8
Views: 1371

Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth brand new query

Hello! I agree with everyone that the second version is much better - lots more excitement! Here are a few suggestions: Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell. I like how you use spoken slang, since ...
by ABFTomioka
September 12th, 2010, 9:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 2687

Running in Flip-Flops - Back for More!!! (Page 2)

Hello everybody! Thanks to your wonderful feedback, I rewrote my query. Now I have two versions, and I would love to know what you all think. The manuscript is finally edited...again....and hopefully I can start sending the letters out really soon. Thanks in advance for your always-invaluable help!...
by ABFTomioka
September 9th, 2010, 3:49 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Black Hole Son - V4
Replies: 11
Views: 1786

Re: Black Hole Son - V4

Hello! I really like the premise of this book. The characters are believable, with real-life problems, while also clearly sci-fi. Wonderful! I hope this is your latest version of the query...I had a hard time figuring out which was which! Remy and Ash have no memory and no identity. They are wanderi...
by ABFTomioka
September 6th, 2010, 12:50 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Drunkard's Daughter: Started from Scratch, see p. 2
Replies: 24
Views: 4576

Re: The Drunkard's Daughter: Latest Revision on pg. 2

Hello! Your story sounds fantastic - what genre is it? I feel like lots of people can identify with the main character. Your query is short and to the point, which is nice, I think. Here are my few suggestions: 85-year-old Dara McBride scorns those who turn talk shows into confessionals by flaunting...
by ABFTomioka
September 6th, 2010, 12:22 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Forty Winks - YA paranormal adventure
Replies: 12
Views: 2770

Re: Forty Winks - YA paranormal adventure

Hello! This is an interesting idea, and something I think will appeal to young adult readers. Here are some suggestions for your query: Gabriel Aisling’s little sister suffers from Night Terrors, a condition afflicting children that causes intense nightmares. (I might try to put a more exciting hook...
by ABFTomioka
September 6th, 2010, 12:00 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Dirt chpt 3- feedback on dialogue
Replies: 6
Views: 1617

Re: Dirt chpt 3- feedback on dialogue

Hello! I really like the premise of your story. It's a difficult one to tell, since so many tragic events took place during that time. Putting the focus on children makes it even more poignant. If it's a novel for adults, though, having child characters can be tough, because they have different thou...
by ABFTomioka
September 3rd, 2010, 12:01 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Dirt - 2nd chapter
Replies: 9
Views: 1580

Re: Dirt - 2nd chapter

What a compelling story! I'm desperate to know what happens next. Wonderful work!
by ABFTomioka
September 2nd, 2010, 7:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Redemption - YA Fantasy - Third time's the charm?
Replies: 11
Views: 1650

Re: Query: Redemption - YA Fantasy - Third time's the charm?

Hello again! I think your letter reads really nicely now! There's just a couple things I would change, if it were me.... Eleanor is cursed with telepathy. For one hundred and fifty years, she has resisted the temptation to abuse her gift while other people's thoughts rage continually through her min...
by ABFTomioka
September 2nd, 2010, 2:26 am
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: New Historical Novel
Replies: 9
Views: 2345

Re: New Historical Novel

Hello! First of all, I have to say I really like your story. This is the kind of thing I imagine catching my eye in a bookstore, and actually buying! So, if you're still interested in a beta reader, I would love to help out. Since nobody else has done a line by line edit yet (and for some reason I'm...
by ABFTomioka
September 1st, 2010, 8:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REVISION 7 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –
Replies: 23
Views: 3441

Re: REVISION 6 – Cameron Kincaid and The Perfect Treasure –

Hello! I like the recipe at the beginning of your query - that's really different and eye-catching. Your story looks fast-paced with strange and wonderful characters, but I agree with the previous review that you could make some sentances read smoother. Here are my few suggestions: Recipe for Clande...
by ABFTomioka
September 1st, 2010, 8:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 7 Rejections - Time for a Revision - round 3 Anyone??
Replies: 12
Views: 2218

Re: 7 Rejections - Time for a Revision - round 2

Oooooo, I really love the idea of this story! It's unique, but also speaks to what most people already understand, that music can transform the world. Fantastic!!! Here are my ideas for revision. When Jane Picardy finds an old conductor’s baton, she does what any self-respecting musician would do - ...
by ABFTomioka
September 1st, 2010, 7:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Redemption - YA Fantasy - Third time's the charm?
Replies: 11
Views: 1650

Re: Query: Redemption - YA Fantasy - Version 2

Hello again! I like this new version a lot - it reads much smoother and I think people were right when they suggested you focus on Eleanor. If you read it aloud, I bet you can find some sentances to tweak, to make everything flow together. But I think you might need one more line at the end, like yo...
by ABFTomioka
September 1st, 2010, 8:49 am
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: Non Fiction looking for a critique partner
Replies: 1
Views: 1052

Re: Non Fiction looking for a critique partner

Hello! I'm looking for a critique partner as well, and we might be a good fit. I have a novel that reads like a memoir, about a young woman who spends two years as a Peace Corps volunteer in Senegal. I'd like to hear more about the topics of your short stories. If you're interested, please send me a...