Search found 80 matches

by amyashley
September 4th, 2010, 7:09 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Page Critique Friday 9/3/10
Replies: 21
Views: 24209

Re: Page Critique Friday 9/3/10

Rebecca, good work! Nathan gave great advice as always. I just wanted to pop in and say that I find it really useful to add facial expressions and tone of voice in when I am writing out my dialogues. Example: Dean Denton glared a bit at Jacob and I over Toby’s head. She tried to soften it, but it wa...
by amyashley
September 4th, 2010, 4:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3
Replies: 32
Views: 6227

Re: Revised WHAT A PAINE! please read!!! ;)

THANK YOU!!!! Okay, I tweaked it a little, but I can go back Dear Dream Agent, Being labeled an undead bloodsucker doesn’t mesh with Reece Paine’s idea of what a working mama ought to be. Those overblown rumors about vampires haven’t encouraged her to come out of the closet either. She’s married to ...
by amyashley
September 4th, 2010, 3:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3
Replies: 32
Views: 6227

Re: Big Changes WHAT A PAINE! Query

REVISED!!! I think I am really getting there. This one felt much better. At any rate, my novel is FINISHED!!!! Dear Dream Agent, Being labeled an undead bloodsucker doesn’t mesh with Reece Paine’s idea of what a working mama ought to be. Knowing those things are just overblown rumors about vampires ...
by amyashley
September 3rd, 2010, 9:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3
Replies: 32
Views: 6227

Re: Big Changes WHAT A PAINE! Query

A3writer, thanks, your response was helpful. The kidnapping and the mom angle have equal time. I don't feel I really focused on the stakes in this query, or why Reece might gave felt odd about her species. Is this the Christopher Moore that you are thinking of? http://www.chrismoore.com/ THIS is the...
by amyashley
September 3rd, 2010, 4:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3
Replies: 32
Views: 6227

Re: Big Changes WHAT A PAINE! Query

Back to the drawing board! I think I am going to go back to the kidnapping angle. Although I got a lot of negative feedback from that, it seemed easier to present it as the main conflict and portray it as a funny book. Also, trying to incorporate query writing advice is simply backfiring because eve...
by amyashley
September 3rd, 2010, 12:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3
Replies: 32
Views: 6227

new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3

Dear Agent, My novel, WHAT A PAINE!, is a quick-moving, kooky urban fantasy novel with a women’s fiction feel. It should appeal to fans of Christopher Moore, Janet Evanovich, and Kim Harrison. Reece Paine needs to come out of the closet, she just doesn’t know it yet. She’s been trying to act like yo...
by amyashley
September 2nd, 2010, 8:56 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Replies: 29
Views: 5487

Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil

I think it is getting a lot better. I se one are that needs work, and you'll have it nailed. Your first sentence and last sentence are AWESOME, and have an intensity that is great. I think that it needs to be pulled in right here: Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, it was planned; Hav...
by amyashley
September 2nd, 2010, 3:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: HARP-BROKEN--latest version at end..thanks for input!
Replies: 14
Views: 3486

Re: Query: HARP-BROKEN--new version at end...thanks for input!

I think this is a great improvement! I agree with the previous poster about removing novel info, since you have it at the end. I am not sure if the first sentence you have could be tweaked a little to grab the attention, or if you should lose it and just stick with the (excellent) summary you now ha...
by amyashley
September 1st, 2010, 4:20 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: First, second and third person p.o.v
Replies: 33
Views: 6360

Re: First, second and third person p.o.v

You might be able to find a good critique partner who is more of a mentor that would be willing to work with you to sharpen some of your language skills. If you can't find someone here, try the Absolute Write forums. I would think having someone go through a few chapters bit by bit and suggesting la...
by amyashley
September 1st, 2010, 10:47 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: First, second and third person p.o.v
Replies: 33
Views: 6360

Re: First, second and third person p.o.v

I think it could some editing, which is understandable if English isn't your first language. That aside, I think with practice you'll get the hang of it.

Ask him for some advice!
by amyashley
September 1st, 2010, 10:00 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: First, second and third person p.o.v
Replies: 33
Views: 6360

Re: First, second and third person p.o.v

I know it sounded harsh, and I understand he may have an educated opinion. You can read through all of my posts here and very quickly see that I am not at ALL a harsh person. Remember that the work you showed him is probably not your final draft. I still stick to my guns on what I said, as intense a...
by amyashley
August 31st, 2010, 2:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Replies: 29
Views: 5487

Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil

I would like to begin by saying that this is showing a lot of intensity and improving. I would not have read it intitially, probably still would not, because I am not a fan of YA-BUT if I were an agent I would ask for the MS because it sounds really gripping. Dear Agent: Mathias’ thirteenth birthda...
by amyashley
August 31st, 2010, 1:58 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: First, second and third person p.o.v
Replies: 33
Views: 6360

Re: First, second and third person p.o.v

Unless he is YOU, ignore him. Perhaps that sounds harsh. You know something, HE ISN"T THE ONE WRITING THE BOOK. He doesn't know all the extra information you, as the author, have stored in your head that is behind the outlines, and notes, and characters that you haven't gotten on paper yet. he doesn...
by amyashley
August 30th, 2010, 3:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: WHAT A PAINE! edited yet again
Replies: 13
Views: 2836

WHAT A PAINE! edit crazy day today.

I will do this until it gets right. I think this direction is the right one. I FEEL IT!!!! Oooops, maybe that's the coffee. Dear Agent BOZO, Over the last week, Reece Paine's life has been a tangle of events requiring every ounce of her wits and some extreme cookie bribery. Reece is a vampire, marri...
by amyashley
August 30th, 2010, 2:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: WHAT A PAINE! edited yet again
Replies: 13
Views: 2836

Re: WHAT A PAINE! Edited 3114th try

Thanks chris13, that was very helpful!