Search found 57 matches

by Jaligard
September 8th, 2010, 1:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)
Replies: 19
Views: 3228

Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Thanks for all the comments! I will be putting together a few edits tomorrow.
by Jaligard
September 7th, 2010, 6:42 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: Internal thought in third-person
Replies: 30
Views: 3935

Re: Internal thought in third-person

I personally, treat it like dialog, only in italics.

What an ugly sweater can stand alone in the proper context, but may need a dialog tag like, "he thought." Or it can be narrated abstractly, "He tried to imagine an uglier sweater and failed."
by Jaligard
September 7th, 2010, 5:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3548

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

You're getting great comments that I cannot really add much to. I do like your original opening sentence better. Something struck me in the opening query that makes me wonder at your novel. If it begins in 1863, does it reach 1865 before the Union Secret Service is interested in your heroine? That's...
by Jaligard
September 7th, 2010, 5:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)
Replies: 19
Views: 3228

Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)

***ADDED: Latest version on page two*** ***ADDED: Newest version on page two*** ***ADDED: New version later on page one*** This is my post of a query letter. Please let me know what you think. Thanks! Dear [Mr/Ms. Agent Name], Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to se...
by Jaligard
September 3rd, 2010, 3:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Blood and Stones Revision 1
Replies: 14
Views: 2288

Re: Query: Blood and Stones Revision 1

Knowledge isn't power; it's trouble. Occult Detective Matt Allen knows enough to recognize a mysterious, glowing rock and a college kid under mind control. Tracking down the why and who means dealing with those that want to lay low: the supernatural world's mystics, witches, vampires, and goths. No...
by Jaligard
September 3rd, 2010, 3:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Griffinborn
Replies: 9
Views: 1649

Re: Query - Griffinborn

Twelve years later, he’s a young captain in the Ducal Guard of the Griffin Lords. When an ancient relic the ruling family has been guarding for a thousand years is stolen he’s given the seemingly easy task of getting it back and bringing those responsible to justice. When someone steals a shield fr...
by Jaligard
September 3rd, 2010, 3:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Sacrificial Magic
Replies: 11
Views: 1983

Re: Query: Sacrificial Magic

I, too, thought the query was un-focused. Stick to the main story arc. Cut down on the place names. One thing that caught me was all the compound words missing their hyphens. It's nit-picky, but it bothered me. Iranian-born British-bred anti-terrorism second-in-command community-oriented demon god (...
by Jaligard
September 3rd, 2010, 2:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Blood and Stones Revision 1
Replies: 14
Views: 2288

Re: Query: Blood and Stones

Most everyone has said it, but I will reiterate. I have no idea what your plot is. It's a detective novel. Tell us the case and why this case is different from any other case. You've already got a decent character and setting. Now you need to intrigue us with the mystery.
by Jaligard
September 3rd, 2010, 2:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: 7 Rejections - Time for a Revision - round 3 Anyone??
Replies: 12
Views: 2079

Re: 7 Rejections - Time for a Revision - round 3 Anyone??

Jane Picardy should have left well enough alone the day she found that conductor’s baton. But what self-respecting musician could refuse to try it out? Certainly not her. Especially after finding it in the burned out hollow of a tree. Jane only waved it once but that’s all it took and suddenly she’...
by Jaligard
September 3rd, 2010, 1:02 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 120295

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear Mr. Bransford, Tessa is young, talented, and blind. She walks alongside the canals of Beldessario and plays her dulcimer for strangers, seeing only their auras and relying on their generosity to survive. Gazing into people's souls may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blacken...
by Jaligard
August 27th, 2010, 7:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!
Replies: 7
Views: 905

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

I still have no idea what the plot is. I get that "the job she's been asked to do is part of a larger scheme," but that isn't nearly as vivid as bribing stripping succubi with cookies. It gets lost.
by Jaligard
August 11th, 2010, 1:47 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 283262

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: THE VIXEN Genre: Urban Fantasy Word Count: 245 For Vittoria Serafino, the first part of any proper assassination was the underwear. Taking someone else's form was no casual thing, and it helped to be thorough. She needed to be herself again, but what kind of person did she want herself to be?...