Search found 179 matches

by thewhipslip
July 17th, 2010, 1:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Room by the Sea (literary novel) query
Replies: 8
Views: 1224

Re: A Room by the Sea (literary novel) query

Never done this before. Thanks ahead of time! Dear [Agent’s Name], It’s been a decade since nineteen-year-old Emily Fairfield’s mother died. Ever since, she has selectively preserved only positive memories of her mother, Laurie, and cultivated her same tastes in books, movies, and music. But when s...
by thewhipslip
July 17th, 2010, 1:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy
Replies: 13
Views: 2219

Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy

S --- The field trip to America’s Stonehenge in Salem, New Hampshire, should have been enjoyable Like the opening. . Except Iolanthe’s scholarly buzz Sorry, but I still don't get what "scholarly buzz" is... dissipates with every I’m-better-than-you smirk from primo-jock, Vidar. Then dungeons-and-dr...
by thewhipslip
July 17th, 2010, 12:57 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query - REVISED
Replies: 12
Views: 1783

The Whip-Slip query - REVISED

Okay, here's an edited version. Let me know what you think! 17-year-old Thea Vans would do anything for her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’s never going to speak to him again. There’s a voice in her head named Left-Hander. Left-Hander controls the powers. With a single touch, Thea can heal or sh...
by thewhipslip
July 16th, 2010, 7:14 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Thanks, Evelyn!
by thewhipslip
July 16th, 2010, 5:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Hi gilesth - Yeah, this is the first draft. I just wanted to make sure the content was in the right place before I worked on individual sentences. Thanks!
by thewhipslip
July 16th, 2010, 4:59 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Revised synopsis - MEETING OF THE WATERS
Replies: 2
Views: 1225

Re: Revised synopsis - MEETING OF THE WATERS

I got a round of rejections, so I'm looking to revise my novel query and synopsis (and the novel itself). If you want to see the query, you can find it here: http://forums.nathanbransford.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1732 SYNOPSIS In August 2016, JAIME ADRICKS quits playing Ages: High Seas, because the...
by thewhipslip
July 16th, 2010, 4:40 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Thanks, wilderness! Phew, at least I'm on the right track. I see where I go into too much detail (that's a bad habit for most writers, eh?). I appreciate your comments!
by thewhipslip
July 16th, 2010, 1:14 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

Re: The Whip-Slip query

This is still a very rough draft, but I want to see if it's headed in the right direction: 17-year-old Thea Vans would do anything for her best friend, Tully. That’s why she’s never going to speak to him again. It was small at first: a fresh cut healed under her fingertips; a bruise left on her gua...
by thewhipslip
July 16th, 2010, 12:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy
Replies: 13
Views: 2219

Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy

--- Dear AGENT OF AWESOME, The field trip to America’s Stonehenge should have been enjoyable Where is this? Be specific. . Except Iolanthe’s scholarly buzz dissipates with every I’m-better-than-you vibe that emanates from primo-jock, Vidar Scholarly buzz does not make me want to reach for this book....
by thewhipslip
July 15th, 2010, 5:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Hi everyone. Wow, thanks so much! Okay, I've got a lot of elements to work with. I'm brainstorming a bit on how to simplify. I was too concerned about letting my "voice" come through, but it's apparent that the jokes are too heavy-handed. I'll have a revision up shortly. Thank you very much for the ...
by thewhipslip
July 15th, 2010, 4:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Thanks, wilderness! That's exactly the kind of crit I'm looking for. I think you're right - I need to focus the ending of this a bit more. That's where it really drops off. I'm going to see if more comments come in and get a revision together. Thanks again!
by thewhipslip
July 15th, 2010, 2:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9928

The Whip-Slip query

REVISED QUERY ON PAGE 6 Taking a break before doing nit-pick edits on my final draft, so I'm prepping for query season. This is my 150th millionth versionth of this. I'm looking for brutal honesty. The people I know have read the book already and are too familiar with it to really gauge if it makes...
by thewhipslip
July 15th, 2010, 2:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *New Version, Page 4*
Replies: 41
Views: 6776

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *Updated*

Alright, so main question is: do I need the first paragraph? Also is this version clearer than the others? Any comments regarding structure are greatly appreciated as well. Control will be theirs; it’s time for the humans to be back on top. Deathling’s hold inconceivable power that has diseased the...
by thewhipslip
July 15th, 2010, 2:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Is There Anything For Me? query (women's fiction) Revised
Replies: 10
Views: 2006

Re: Is There Anything For Me? query (women's fiction)

I agree with the comments before this one. I think you need to tack a little more action onto the end. What does she do once she finds out her son is kidnapped? What are the stakes? I don't know much about her and even less about her son, so it's hard to feel panicked that he's been kidnapped. I als...