Search found 179 matches

by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 11:51 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Voices Unspoken
Replies: 3
Views: 832

Re: Query: Voices Unspoken

Dear Agent, Abbey Long believes her only option after shooting her mother’s boyfriend is to run away. Not only does she run away from home, her memories, and the past—but from the law as well this is sort of implied if she's running away. not feeling a tremendous of conflict yet. what did she kill ...
by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 11:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Beyond Paradise
Replies: 5
Views: 1254

Re: Query for Beyond Paradise

Here is a new and hopefully improved query for Beyond Paradise.....All comments and suggestions welcomed....thanks.... When Cheryl Benson kills her abusive lover in self defense, she believes she is finally safe. Until, the only witness to the crime, a Long Island millionaire, lots of comma breaks ...
by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 11:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query idea: MARKED - YA
Replies: 11
Views: 1679

Re: Query idea: MARKED - YA

I really like it, but I agree that you need more specifics toward the end to provide some conflict. It's got a great voice, and I would definitely request pages as an agent, even with the query as it is now.
by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 11:22 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Double Star
Replies: 6
Views: 1129

Re: Query: Double Star Revised!

Here's the revised query. I think (I hope) I'm getting closer! Seventeen year old Ally Ashworth prefers combat boots to stilettos, Mozart over metal and would take David Garrett over The Situation this might be me, but I'm not familiar with these bands - but I do love the opening , any day. She’s l...
by thewhipslip
November 16th, 2011, 11:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: TENDER query - YA dystopian fantasy
Replies: 7
Views: 2160

TENDER query - YA dystopian fantasy

Haven't been on here since my last query run. Excited to do this again. I appreciate any comments! Don’t be careful what you wish for – let the Tenders do that. In the year 2018, the world is ruled by wish-granting humans called Tenders. Seventeen-year-old Ibsen Goodman lives in a segregated South ...
by thewhipslip
November 7th, 2010, 1:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 3489

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART * REVISION #4*

In my opinion, the problem is that the query tries to create sympathy for this woman for losing her family, but then reveals that the husband tormented her. Though it may seem cold, but as I read this, I'm wondering if the woman doesn't feel relieved that her husband is gone. Obviously the death of ...
by thewhipslip
November 6th, 2010, 11:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Breaking the Rules (Chick Lit)
Replies: 17
Views: 3782

Re: Query - Breaking the Rules (Chick Lit)

Overall, it's a well-written query. I had a reaction to the fact that her fiancee was not mentioned earlier. I also think you need to add more drama by telling us what the "startling truth" is. That'll make this specific enough to draw an agent.

Hope that helps!
by thewhipslip
November 3rd, 2010, 7:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Lullaby: giving it another shot
Replies: 26
Views: 3765

Re: A Lullaby: giving it another shot

Dear Agent, Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun People, a race that has the ability to absorb fire in their bodies My first reaction is "cool", but my second is, "So? Is that a useful talent?" . As she cycles through the phases of reincarnation Explain this. Seems to come out of the blue... , ...
by thewhipslip
November 3rd, 2010, 6:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Romance Query: COVET *Revision 3 posted (4.5.11)*
Replies: 19
Views: 4364

Re: Romance Query: COVET

I agree that there needs to be MC clarification. Even if you use multiple POV, it's usually better to focus on one in the query for clarity. Dear Agent, Adelais knows she shouldn’t love Lucas, and not because he stuffed frogs down her smock when they were children Nice detail . But because he’s a p...
by thewhipslip
October 6th, 2010, 2:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY- YA Mystery- Mad as a Hatter
Replies: 30
Views: 4640

Re: QUERY- YA Mystery- Mad as a Hatter

Awesome revisions! The only thing you left out is who Corwin is - make sure you mention he's the lead investigator.
by thewhipslip
October 6th, 2010, 2:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query -IRON HEART-
Replies: 24
Views: 4111

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Dear Agent, Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed against his will You can cut "against his will" - most curses aren't voluntary by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a hum...
by thewhipslip
October 6th, 2010, 2:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Figment - YA Fantasy- REVISED
Replies: 10
Views: 2380

Re: Query - Figment - YA Fantasy- REVISED AGAIN below

George pushes Audrey Parker out of danger. He also wipes a tear away and holds her hand. He even dances with her. That might be nice for a typical teenager, but it’s astonishing to George. After all, imaginary friends aren’t supposed to be human. I'm just a little lost about why it's astonishing to ...
by thewhipslip
October 6th, 2010, 1:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Whip-Slip query
Replies: 68
Views: 9894

Re: The Whip-Slip query

Thanks for everyone's comments! The query has been reworked to something I'm pleased with. I actually had an agent contact me this morning asking for pages - she'd seen my query posted on the AW forums and was intrigued. Could not have gotten there without the help on here, so thanks again!
by thewhipslip
October 1st, 2010, 1:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Summertime Query
Replies: 28
Views: 4272

Re: Summertime Query

I'm not getting a feel for your MC. She sounds kind of manipulative, and I'm imaginging this creepy little girl with big eyes and a devilish grin - not sure if that's what you're going for. If this is a lighthearted romp, I think the query should reflect that. If it does have a sinister feel to it, ...
by thewhipslip
October 1st, 2010, 9:50 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Figment - YA Fantasy- REVISED
Replies: 10
Views: 2380

Re: Query - Figment - YA Fantasy- REVISED

George pushes Audrey Parker out of danger. He also wipes a tear away. He even dances with her. That wouldn’t mean much Really? It sounds kinda nice... , except George isn’t real, or he shouldn’t be I don't like the uncertain tone in the last part. The sentence has more of a punch if you say he's not...