Search found 55 matches

by mfreivald
July 22nd, 2010, 3:50 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: Can you suggest good books with multiple POVs?
Replies: 9
Views: 2123

Re: Can you suggest good books with multiple POVs?

Toni Morrison in Beloved does the best at multiple POVs I've read, I think. It's a bizarro read, but it's a nobel prize winner, too.

P.G. Wodehouse does it all the time in his books, and sometimes it works great, sometimes not. He switches POV at a much greater frequency than most I've read.
by mfreivald
July 12th, 2010, 8:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TRINITY, an urban fantasy query
Replies: 30
Views: 6213

Re: TRINITY, an urban fantasy query

I don't have a lot of time for more commentary, but that first paragraph sang to me. :)
by mfreivald
July 9th, 2010, 10:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3889

Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated-v2*

Thanks, Krista G. and wilderness. I'll start on v3 today.
by mfreivald
July 7th, 2010, 6:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*
Replies: 32
Views: 6075

Re: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Question*

I think a more descriptive approach would be better, e.g. "A rebel group of toothless workers storms Hermes United, takes control, and disables the feed." It's only one more word than what you have ( ". . . Hermes United’s Toothless workers launch a hostile corporate takeover—literally—and disable ...
by mfreivald
July 7th, 2010, 9:57 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*
Replies: 32
Views: 6075

Re: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Question*

Krista, Is this a legal takeover, or is this some kind of illegal capture of the building by storming employees? It appears to me that you are using "hostile takeover" figuratively, in which case it's distracting to me, and makes it unclear what you really mean. If it is an actual legal takeover, wh...
by mfreivald
July 6th, 2010, 1:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Take #3*
Replies: 32
Views: 6075

Re: BOB - NOT the official title:) - YA dystopian *Try #2*

Hi Krista G. You have my interest with the idea. I see a lot of potential in the premise. It's worth noting that I did not read the first version, or any comments before the second version when I wrote this. The 2046 International Biomedia Conference is, according to the pamphlet, the most prestigio...
by mfreivald
July 6th, 2010, 11:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - 'When Sleeping Girls Wake'
Replies: 11
Views: 2466

Re: Query - 'When Sleeping Girls Wake'

It isn’t easy to stand by and watch as others criticize, i.e. rip apart, your lovingly crafted children…I mean…sentences. Dissection of a query isn't nearly as gut wrenching as critiques of your actual story. When David Harvey finds an extraordinary coin that answers questions with sounds that no o...
by mfreivald
July 6th, 2010, 1:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3889

Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *update--v2*

Here is a new version that attempts to address the issues raised above. Better? Dear <Agent Name>, The sacred Vine, the wellspring of power that binds all life, can tempt the unvigilant man to destruction. No one knows this better than Elder Cale Barnside. Elders accept the Vine’s gifts to bring lig...
by mfreivald
June 26th, 2010, 8:47 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 6015

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Yes, that is much better. The intro is much clearer, and I especially like how your final comment about the chip reflects back on the intro, and at the same time increases the perceived threat of the admirer. The "in exchange" line kind of comes off as if she gives them three months for the experime...
by mfreivald
June 26th, 2010, 1:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3889

Re: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy

Thank you wilderness, Meredith, notw, and fivecats. Great feedback.

I'll attempt to adequatly manage your questions in the next draft, then answer them more specifically after that, if needed.
by mfreivald
June 26th, 2010, 12:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 6015

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

I like the previous one better, so I'll look at that one after I've handled this one. Rachel McSwain never wants or asks for help. <--I'd go for the affirmative statement, e.g.: "Rachel McSwain hates asking for help."--<< The first time she accepts it she winds up serving a life sentence <--"the fir...
by mfreivald
June 25th, 2010, 2:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*
Replies: 22
Views: 3889

Confessions of an Elder - Fantasy *updated*

(See updated version on third page.) Hello, all. My earlier versions, which weren't evaluated here, might have been too vague, and I didn't get a single request for pages from them. I hope to remedy that. Thanks for any and all assistance. Dear <Agent Name>, The sacred Vine, the wellspring of power...
by mfreivald
June 24th, 2010, 7:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, Temporarily Retired
Replies: 34
Views: 5947

Re: BLOOD WILL TELL, Urban Fantasy, third version

Hi, Meredith. Valeriah is half werewolf, unable to take wolf form but still inconveniently driven by the full moon. <--This seems to passive to me. Maybe try something like: ". . , the full moon doesn't make her wolf, but it drives her (crazy? manic? nerves? strength? to eat Poptarts? to aggression?...
by mfreivald
June 24th, 2010, 2:31 pm
Forum: Town Hall
Topic: The Introduction Thread
Replies: 630
Views: 246903

Re: The Introduction Thread

Hello, I'm Mark. I'm a former elementary school teacher, and I've spent ten years in computer networking. I grew up in the plains, but I've resided in a few different places near the east coast for just over two years. I play (clumsily) flamenco guitar and I like outdoor activities (camping, hiking,...
by mfreivald
June 23rd, 2010, 12:41 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*
Replies: 31
Views: 6015

Re: Query: Use Somebody *Updated*

Not letting her heart problems and experimental issues get the best of her, Rachel takes back some control and creates a list of things to complete before she dies. One of them being to get back at those who handed her over to the government. That clarifies the confusion in the first paragraph a li...