Search found 30 matches

by fivecats
June 23rd, 2010, 12:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Messiah Notebooks query (Updated!)
Replies: 12
Views: 1843

Re: The Messiah Notebooks query

I've gone over this query to a point of obsession, and I think it's best for my sanity I send it out for critique at long last. You are so not alone in this. : ) It is 1820, and Miss Emily Trey, a twenty-year-old British expatriate, has just come to possess the most dangerous notebook in all of Ita...
by fivecats
June 23rd, 2010, 12:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Quantrill's Raiders - Historical Fiction
Replies: 5
Views: 1401

Re: Quantrill's Raiders - Historical Fiction

(some kind of smoozing here) Okay, this made me laugh. Still, I'd recommend you move it to the final paragraph in your query and open with your story. The Civil War dooms 18-year-old Cole Younger's life of privilege in Jackson County, Missouri. His father is murdered, their property seized, and the...
by fivecats
June 23rd, 2010, 11:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A life in Death - YA Fantasy *New Version, Page 4*
Replies: 41
Views: 5648

Re: A life in Death - YA Fantasy

Deathlings are dangerous, powerful and most humans fear them more than dying. This unstable paranoia has the humans considering a civil war in an attempt to rid the world of these soulless monsters. What stopped me right away was the notion that after these two sentences, I still don't know what a ...
by fivecats
June 22nd, 2010, 8:23 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein
Replies: 24
Views: 3292

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

2. You refer to this as "a chick-lit, urban fantasy" but the Vampoon seems to cross the line into broad comedy. The chick-lit I've read has elements of comedy, but not this much. Should "comedy" be included in your genre description? Actually, chick-lit is generally comedic, so I think she's right ...
by fivecats
June 21st, 2010, 10:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein
Replies: 24
Views: 3292

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

I'm not certain what this is about, but I would DEFINITELY ask for a partial! And a vampoon for a pet. This actually brings up two additional points for me: 1. I don't have a clear idea of what the storyline is. I don't get a sense of what your main character wants, what is getting in her way/what ...
by fivecats
June 21st, 2010, 9:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein
Replies: 24
Views: 3292

Re: The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

From what I've read, querying from your character's perspective (or, as your character) can be tricky. You'll have to catch the right agent in the right mood. That having been said, there are things about you character's voice that I like. However, for me, a little goes a long way. At close to 400 w...
by fivecats
June 18th, 2010, 12:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: On The Fringe Query Three
Replies: 5
Views: 961

Re: On The Fringe Query Three

While I think, as usual, Quill got it right, I'll still add my additional 2¢ This will be the last time i will post this query. Thank you so much for your input, and any thoughts you have. Lucy A master's degree from Penn State Again, something is missing here. I know this is only a practice run, bu...
by fivecats
June 17th, 2010, 7:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - crime/police fiction
Replies: 32
Views: 4916

Re: QUERY - crime/police fiction

I love the tone and the first paragraph that gives a real sense that Las Vegas as a place features as strongly as a character in your story as any of the people will. However, my only concern here is that you're tossing around a lot of names and your main charactrer all but gets lost amongst them. Y...
by fivecats
June 17th, 2010, 3:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: I'm A Nobody, newest on page four
Replies: 34
Views: 5250

Re: I'm A Nobody, YA Fantasy

Dominic Taylor knows he is different. Doors open at his touch and he is able to go anywhere, undetected by cameras and security systems. Your opening paragraph is your best opportunity to get us engaged with your character, to give us a reason for caring what happens to him in the next few paragrap...
by fivecats
June 17th, 2010, 12:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Vicesteed Query - Revised!
Replies: 15
Views: 2177

Re: Vicesteed Query

Unfortunately, when I try to describe Vicesteed to somebody who asks what it's about, I am reduced to gibbering. For me, your confusion comes through in your query. Reading it, I don't have a clear sense of anything that happens in the story nor feel any reason to care about any of the characters. ...
by fivecats
June 17th, 2010, 10:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG Mystery Query
Replies: 4
Views: 853

Re: MG Mystery Query

If not for the handicap of being only twelve years old, Brock Rockster would be the man’s man to end all men’s men. A stronger start would be to lead off with Brock's name. Starting with a dependent clause distances the reader from your main character. You want the reader to be drawn into the chara...
by fivecats
June 16th, 2010, 11:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Adventures of Strike: The Hero from the Sky (YA fantasy)
Replies: 7
Views: 1462

Re: The Adventures of Strike: The Hero from the Sky (YA fantasy)

A couple of overall comments: * Your query is two paragraphs. That first paragraph is dense, way too crowded and all over the place. Sure your book is action-packed and fun, but this paragraph only shows me there's too much going on in one place. * Too many names in the first paragraph. This is supp...
by fivecats
June 16th, 2010, 6:55 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Blessed Assurance
Replies: 4
Views: 799

Re: Blessed Assurance

Tiffany Bowman’s luck in life is next to nil. If Tiffany is expecting luck to drive her life, that's part of her problem. It sounds like her story starts when she begins to take responsibility for herself. True? Coming of age This is a cliché that distances me from the character. meant running away...
by fivecats
June 16th, 2010, 6:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query - Sept. 23rd
Replies: 21
Views: 3483

Re: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query

Isabelle Martin prides herself on her ability to stuff her emotions in a box and lock it. Starting with the name of the main character is a much stronger start than your original first sentence. However, the strength of this sentence gets sapped away by the cliche at the end. She can cover any crim...
by fivecats
June 11th, 2010, 9:49 pm
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: Looking for MG Fantasy writer for critique partner
Replies: 1
Views: 1133

Looking for MG Fantasy writer for critique partner

Hi, I'm a former elementary school librarian who gave up that life to earn enough money in the world of IT to be able to support my family. During my days I'm the IT Manager for a University Press; by night, I write, and, along with my wife, I'm staff for our five cats. My current WIP is a Steampunk...