Search found 44 matches

by khanes
June 16th, 2010, 12:49 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query - Sept. 23rd
Replies: 21
Views: 3920

Re: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query

Thanks Zwarr, I'm so glad the second one read better to you. I'm going to take your suggestions to heart and do more work on this query. You made some awesome points that will expand the query and make it more complete. Thanks so much!
by khanes
June 15th, 2010, 7:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query - Sept. 23rd
Replies: 21
Views: 3920

Re: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query

Wow, Wilderness, those questions you posed and the link to Nathan's blog really, really helped. I reconstructed the query to add more details. My first one seemed very boring. How does this sound in comparison? Isabelle Martin prides herself on her ability to stuff her emotions in a box and lock it....
by khanes
June 15th, 2010, 2:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Gravity of San Miguel - Query - Sept. 23rd
Replies: 21
Views: 3920

The Gravity of San Miguel - Query - Sept. 23rd

September 23rd: Hey everyone! I wrote yet another query, after a rewrite on my book. Now, the plot is a bit different. I put my revised version at the end of this post! Thanks for looking. ---------------------------------- June 17th: Thanks to everyone for all your help and support. I've written on...
by khanes
June 15th, 2010, 12:56 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: The Land Doesn't Leave
Replies: 8
Views: 1931

Re: The Land Doesn't Leave

I agree with the other posters that you do have some beautiful descriptions, but descriptions won't get you anywhere if you don't have conflict, or something to draw us in. I want to know who this girl is, what sort of drama is going on in her life. Also, I do think the sentences were too long. When...
by khanes
June 15th, 2010, 12:45 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Born to Die opening *Critique?*
Replies: 8
Views: 1914

Re: Born to Die opening *Critique?*

Hi Nessa! First of all, I love this opening scene. It really grabbed me as a reader, and as the other posters suggest, it would be good to fix the comma situation. My eyes were so busy fixing the grammar that it pulled me a bit out of the story. I actually liked the "stone mop" description, it was u...
by khanes
June 15th, 2010, 12:34 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.
Replies: 24
Views: 7642

Re: Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.

Thanks so much for the wonderful feedback everyone! It's so great to be part of a group that offers positive, constructive critique. I got quite a few mixed opinions here, so maybe I'll tweak the second one a bit and keep it. That was my favorite, original opening, but I was afraid people would feel...
by khanes
June 13th, 2010, 1:46 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: When the first draft is done - what next?
Replies: 12
Views: 2421

When the first draft is done - what next?

Hello everyone! I just finished the first draft of my first novel, and now its out being picked apart by my beta readers. I know I'll have to go through a lot of revisions, and this makes me reluctant to start my next project. I'm worried thoughts about my new work could taint the flow of my past st...
by khanes
June 13th, 2010, 1:43 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Just Keep Writing: A Word on Habits
Replies: 7
Views: 1656

Re: Just Keep Writing: A Word on Habits

This is a really great post! Thanks for reminding me that its important to write. I finished the first draft of my first book (now its being read by a few beta readers), and I've only written one short story in the past month. I'm now unemployed so that I can WRITE! I need a kick in butt and start w...
by khanes
June 13th, 2010, 1:24 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.
Replies: 24
Views: 7642

Re: Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.

Thanks for your feedback! The second ending was my older version. Looks like I should scrap that one and try to make things more streamlined anc clear.
by khanes
June 12th, 2010, 3:49 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Opening Scene; Soft Sci-Fi/Urban Fantasy; Critique?
Replies: 5
Views: 1170

Re: Opening Scene; Soft Sci-Fi/Urban Fantasy; Critique?

Hello! I agree with Gina that ALO is too distracting. Actually, in my opinion, I think the beginning needs a little streamlining. I would delete some stuff, and focus on Laith's interaction with the dragon. Here's what I would do (I hope you don't mind my hacking) -----------------------------------...
by khanes
June 12th, 2010, 3:32 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.
Replies: 24
Views: 7642

Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.

Hello! I've written two opening scenes for my women's fiction novel "The Gravity of San Miguel." It's about a Seattle news reporter who witnesses tragedy on the job, and decides to completely change her life by moving to Central Mexico. I'm just curious which scene opener grabs you more. The first o...
by khanes
June 12th, 2010, 3:27 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First page YA fantasy critique - open to any and all advice!
Replies: 10
Views: 2404

Re: First page YA fantasy critique - open to any and all advice!

Hello! First of all, I like the intrigue that you create with your first chapter. It leaves a lot of questions, and makes me very curious as to what will happen next. Why is he leaving? Where has he been? What will he tell her when he returns? I like that you use the weather to set the mood and punc...
by khanes
June 12th, 2010, 2:22 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 302598

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

Title: The Gravity of San Miguel Genre: Women's Fiction It’s easy to get lost when you don’t know which way is up or down, when both the water and the sky are the color of gunmetal. I guided my KRKO Ford Escape through the thick fog of downtown Seattle on my way to breaking news, cutting corners nea...
by khanes
June 11th, 2010, 6:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Bring Me Back, women's fiction--Updated 9/23
Replies: 32
Views: 5128

Re: Query: Bring Me Back, women's fiction--Updated

Hi Karen! I just read through your queries, and I have to say the second one grabbed me MUCH more. I agree with some other posters that you may want to omit a few more of the details and make it a big more concise. Overall, the story sounds like a lot of fun and something I would like to read. Just ...