Search found 71 matches

by JadePhoenix
September 6th, 2010, 9:54 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 7518

Re: Shadows - First Page

I think you are right. I've been changing things to try and make them fit in with the flow of the story better. I sat down and worked out a Story Bible so hopefully it'll all flow together better. Thank you for everyone's comments. I'll post the first chapter when I get it done and hopefully it'll b...
by JadePhoenix
September 3rd, 2010, 1:16 am
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft
Replies: 10
Views: 2673

Re: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft

Excellent! :)
by JadePhoenix
September 2nd, 2010, 4:14 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft
Replies: 10
Views: 2673

Re: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft

Oh, all right. You mentioned the brother went missing during the War (or timeframe) so I was assuming he was one of the many soldiers killed who were never identified/shipped home or something like that (I went through a HUGE historical fiction phase so I'm sure that's where I'm making all these con...
by JadePhoenix
September 1st, 2010, 10:22 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft
Replies: 10
Views: 2673

Re: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within

This is WAY improved!! I only noticed a few tiny things that might help if you wanted to trim it down some more. Also, I noticed two things that raised questions. One - if I understand correctly from the synopsis, her twin's name was Julian Landry, she takes that name/persona as her alias, Alex trac...
by JadePhoenix
September 1st, 2010, 9:21 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Does this plot need reworking?
Replies: 11
Views: 2661

Re: Does this plot need reworking?

I don't think the brother in Chimera is genetically enhanced, just brainwashed so you could still do it and put your own twist on it. Also, both brothers are in the criminal element (one Mafia, one hitman) so yours would be different with one being a detective and one being the hitman. :)
by JadePhoenix
September 1st, 2010, 12:45 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Does this plot need reworking?
Replies: 11
Views: 2661

Re: Does this plot need reworking?

This may be totally out of left field so feel free to disregard. :) Anyway, I've noticed I get a lot of ideas from reading works that are in the same genre as mine or that deal with themes I'm working on in my book. Often I'll read it and I'll go off on my own thing and figure out a way to fix a plo...
by JadePhoenix
September 1st, 2010, 12:36 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure
Replies: 9
Views: 3056

Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

I think this is a strong beginning. The only thing I'd point out is watch your repetition and the tendency you seem to have to go off on backstory tangents. For example, you use "Gabe" nineteen times on this one page. After a while I was going, "all right, I get it, his name is Gabe!" Maybe try to c...
by JadePhoenix
August 31st, 2010, 10:59 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft
Replies: 10
Views: 2673

Re: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within

You're welcome! I was actually thinking of the last scene of "Gone With the Wind" when she's leaning against the tree looking at the ruins of the plantation she plans to rebuild and I thought "wouldn't it be cool if Rhett rode up on a horse right then?" Anyhoo, I'm glad I was able to be of help! :)
by JadePhoenix
August 31st, 2010, 8:43 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within 2nd Draft
Replies: 10
Views: 2673

Re: SYNOPSIS: The Enemy Within

This is a really good synopsis but it seems like it gets away just a bit at the end, and it definitely does need to be trimmed down. Overall though good job! :) Everyone was so helpful over on the query page that I thought I would continue the madness by drafting a synopsis. It's a mess, I tell you....
by JadePhoenix
August 31st, 2010, 5:30 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: THE WYRM FIEND a YA Urban Fantasy UPDATED
Replies: 11
Views: 2918

Re: THE WYRM FIEND a YA Urban Fantasy UPDATED

Okay, I actually really liked this concept and I have to second another poster's vote for something like "Dragons in Dallas". The only really big problem I noticed was there seems to be some confusion, at least to me, about why the dragons are being slain. At first it seems like the Dragon Slayers b...
by JadePhoenix
August 31st, 2010, 10:15 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 7518

Re: Shadows - First Page

Thank you! I've only been doing this a short time, so I'm probably even less of an expert! Any advice helps! The rip gets explained more on page two and, yep, in my world werewolved can be taken out with a shotgun blast. The only problem is they're scary smart and hard to kill (think of the raptors ...
by JadePhoenix
August 30th, 2010, 8:47 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 7518

Re: Shadows - First Page

Anything helps and the more tooth-pick the better! Thank you for the help! I hadn't thought of making action sentences shorter -it makes a lot of sense! I also hadn't thought of switching "ing" to "ed" but it does seem that would make it a stronger sentence. I have a big problem with "had" and "was"...
by JadePhoenix
August 30th, 2010, 3:54 pm
Forum: Synopses and Plot Outlines
Topic: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis
Replies: 6
Views: 2105

Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

I got some great advice about my query, so I thought I would post my synopsis here and see how it can be improved. ---------------------------------------------- RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL- Synopsis MATHIAS DRVAR is a street kid. He is hungry, overheated why is he overheated and what does that...
by JadePhoenix
August 30th, 2010, 2:48 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 7518

Re: Shadows - First Page

Yeah, I've been reading through what I've written (around 100 pages) and saw I was using "but" a lot. One of my problems before was way to much passive writing and, in trying to make it active, I've created some new problems that I'm trying to work through. I'll get there though! I'm glad I'm gettin...
by JadePhoenix
August 30th, 2010, 10:22 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Shadows - First Chapter (Revised)
Replies: 26
Views: 7518

Re: Shadows - First Page

Yay, thank you! I had one agent tell me if one person says it make note, if two people say it consider it, if three people say it then fix it. I had three, and then a few more, say the same thing so I'm working on fixing it! :) The book actually doesn't have werewolves as characters in it. Rather it...