Search found 29 matches

by JMB
October 13th, 2010, 4:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature
Replies: 8
Views: 1676

Re: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature

I think this query is excellent, and I rarely say that. I stumbled a little on the first sentence. Maybe break it into two. Also, consider combining a few of the short paragraphs.

Perfect, age appropriate theme and a good length for MG. Good luck!
by JMB
October 11th, 2010, 5:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Meant To Be---another new version
Replies: 61
Views: 8952

Re: Meant To Be---Comm. Fic---new "special request" version

What is a Tri-Mom? I;ve never heard that expression?

By the way, I did one of these for my contemporary YA and I found it very therapeutic. It landed a request for a full, followed by an invitation to Revise and Resubmit, which I am working on now.
by JMB
October 1st, 2010, 1:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction
Replies: 20
Views: 3976

Re: THE REMEDY -2nd try at page bottom- Women's upmarket fiction

I've only read the later draft and I am sorry to have to say I have no idea what is going on in this story. What is a split heart? What is wrong with Will's heart? What about Maggie will save Will? What about Will will destroy Maggie? Is this paranormal or do you mean Maggie's heart has been broken ...
by JMB
October 1st, 2010, 12:43 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Page Critique Friday 10/1/10
Replies: 32
Views: 29710

Re: Page Critique Friday 10/1/10

I like the idea, grandmother getting to know grand-daughter from the grave by willing her the family estate. The problem with the opening is I couldn't follow the sequence of events: what happened before and what happened after granny's death. I also would have liked to have been taken by surprise a...
by JMB
September 26th, 2010, 7:21 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: eror
Replies: 38
Views: 7563

Re: Bengali Girls Don't -- Newest version on page 4

I'll try not to take it personally that you didn't take most of my suggestions :-) Just the same, I am offering three more comments (okay, four) on your latest draft because I really like your story. First, your opening line doesn't sound entirely accurate. The old woman's story doesn't end with the...
by JMB
September 26th, 2010, 7:00 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query--BOOK OF SHADOWS, Horror
Replies: 11
Views: 1797

Re: Query--BOOK OF SHADOWS, Horror

I actually think this sounds cool. Love the dark angle,but the query is very confusing. Are we following the girl or the man she is stalking? Who are we rooting for, K to get her man, or A to escape the clutches of the crazy girl? DS made a lot of good suggestions. I want to point out a few other de...
by JMB
June 15th, 2010, 2:41 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Adventures of Strike: The Hero from the Sky (YA fantasy)
Replies: 7
Views: 1785

Re: The Adventures of Strike: The Hero from the Sky (YA fantasy)

I can't imagine teens relating to the story, at least not as it is described in the query. Under 50,000 words and in the land of superhereos? This screams MG. Have you considered changing the main character to an 11-yr-old boy? That would be fun and I bet it would take much less work than you think....
by JMB
June 14th, 2010, 5:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Hidden in Shadows - Urban Fantasy
Replies: 20
Views: 4150

Re: Hidden in Shadows - Urban Fantasy

One line of the query really troubles me: When he learns she is the assassin, he wants nothing to do with her. If I learned someone was trying to kill me, I think I'd have a much stronger reaction. I would try to take the assassin out before she killed me, or at least remove her from my island (if I...
by JMB
June 12th, 2010, 6:54 pm
Forum: Ask Nathan
Topic: Old Ask Nathan Thread
Replies: 793
Views: 234650

Re: Ask Nathan

Nathan, Is there a market for parodies? I enjoyed New Moan and have an idea for a parody of my own. It's based on a bestseller that has just made the move from single title to trilogy (book 2 due out in 2011). And there's a rumour a movie deal is in the works. Should I bother to write my tongue-in-c...
by JMB
June 12th, 2010, 6:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: eror
Replies: 38
Views: 7563

Re: Bengali Girls Don't -- version 2

Fascinating and unique. Definitely sound like literary YA rather than women's fiction. The query doesn't yet do justice to the story. Consider including some of the details you mentioned in your last post--the flight from warn torn Bengladesh as a toddler, the tug between two cultures as a teen in t...
by JMB
June 12th, 2010, 11:46 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: eror
Replies: 38
Views: 7563

Re: Bengali Girls Don't -- version 2

I love this kind of story, about a young girl torn between two cultures. Since it's been done many times though, it is critical that you show your story is unique. The second version of the query is a better starting point, but it loses the significance of the title and leaves lots of questions unan...
by JMB
May 12th, 2010, 10:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery
Replies: 38
Views: 6441

Re: BROKEN MIRROR, new query, new delivery

Sorry to say I read the opening lines several times and still have no clue what this is about. I liked the 'in death comes introspection' line but if there is a plot and a protagonist, you need to tell us what/who it is. Look at nathan's blogs on how to write a query. I enjoyed his mad-libs approach...
by JMB
May 8th, 2010, 3:27 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mustache Query
Replies: 8
Views: 1813

Re: Mustache Query

Agreed. Attempt number two is much better. If you incorporate a combo of Quill and Hillary's suggestions, you'll be there. Also enjoyed the Urban Dictionary definition of Man's Man, but like the other readers, needed to see the term defined. Maybe you want to give a one sentence definition of the te...
by JMB
May 7th, 2010, 11:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mustache Query
Replies: 8
Views: 1813

Re: Mustache Query

Loved the title and can see that the story has real potential. I think the query can be clearer and do more to bring out the personality of your Main Character. A few thoughts for you to consider. The opening line should be humorous but the comparison you chose doesn't quite work. The Don Rickles/we...