Search found 250 matches

by oldhousejunkie
August 31st, 2010, 9:16 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Blood and Stones Revision 1
Replies: 14
Views: 2294

Re: Query: Blood and Stones

I agree with Hyaline--great voice, but I didn't see the conflict beyond the girl not wanting Matt to snoop. Why doesn't she want him to snoop? Is she the one under mind control? What's up the glowing rock? Who's hired him to snoop in the first place? These were all questions that I was wondering abo...
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 4:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

Wow that's really good! I like! You're very right...there are a lot of misperceptions that I need to focus on. It is a very layered story that could easily blow the query out of the water. For one, Alex doesn't know that he's marrying his target. Julienne has been masquerading as a man, and so Alex ...
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 2:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

AHHHH Quill!

So apparently I don't know what I'm doing. Could I PM you a synopsis? Maybe you could help me pull out the important points, and how to get things across better.
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 2:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Griffinborn
Replies: 9
Views: 1654

Re: Query - Griffinborn

This started out pretty good and then nosedived into confusion for me. Rory Balenford was a roguish young thief who was never sure of his place in the world till he picked the wrong pocket and got drafted.When an ancient relic the ruling family has been guarding for a thousand years is stolen he’s g...
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 2:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Drunkard's Daughter: Started from Scratch, see p. 2
Replies: 24
Views: 4255

Re: The Drunkard's Daughter: Revision at End of This Page

Maybe you should start the query out with the whole secret love affair that culuminates in the secret pregnancy. If you elaborate and say that is Dara's secret, and then segway to Micheal coming back, I feel that there's more at stake. As it reads now, it's still a "character soup" with hints of a v...
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 1:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

Okay...is this any better? I've incorporated some additional information, and interestingly enough, I came in at 240 words. Shocking! Thanks to you all for hanging with me on this. Your comments have been ridiculously beneficial. Dear Mr./Ms. Agent: With the Civil War raging, nineteen-year-old Julie...
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 12:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

I finally caught up on all of the replies from yesterday, and thought I would answer some of the questions that were posed. Perhaps you all can help me get the important parts into the query. There are a lot of missing pieces that tie many of the events mentioned in the query together. Why Frankfort...
by oldhousejunkie
August 29th, 2010, 1:08 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

Thanks Quill! I appreciate the comments, and I want to integrate them. You raise a lot of questions, things that I myself would think if I was reading this query, but I hesitated to tackle for fear that things would blow of out of control again. Let me see what I can do, and I will post again tomorr...
by oldhousejunkie
August 28th, 2010, 11:20 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Re: Query: The Enemy Within (Take 2 or maybe 3)

Thanks WhipSlip! I *think* I might have finally hit it. And that's definitely thanks to you. Your edits really helped me focus!
by oldhousejunkie
August 28th, 2010, 11:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Timesurfers Take two posted 30 Aug
Replies: 7
Views: 1115

Re: Query Timesurfers

Cate receives her boyfriend's text - ' We R Ova’ - five minutes after her only friend arrives to comfort her. She’s the last person to know about her own break up. Her life sucks. Cut this. It's cute but doesn't seem to match up to anything else in the query. At that moment everyone and everything ...
by oldhousejunkie
August 28th, 2010, 10:48 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3
Replies: 25
Views: 3555

Query: The Enemy Within - Final Take, Page 3

Okay, I added more into the final paragraph that I hope ties things together a bit better. Comments are welcome and most helpful. Thanks in advance! Dear Mr./Ms. Agent: It's 1863 and the Civil War is raging. Nineteen-year-old Julienne Dalton goes from priviledged Southern belle to Confederate spy af...
by oldhousejunkie
August 27th, 2010, 11:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within
Replies: 7
Views: 1171

Re: Query: The Enemy Within

Thanks Troy Micheal. I will definitely re-evaluate. I always thought of the first half of the novel being the dynamic part, but if I re-focus on the second part being where the action is, I think I get it across better. I guess I got waylaid by the whole her being a spy is where the action is. :-) I...
by oldhousejunkie
August 27th, 2010, 8:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within
Replies: 7
Views: 1171

Re: Query: The Enemy Within

Thanks JadePhoenix! Sadly, yes, I have a feeling the secret is the cliche you were talking about. But it's so great for high drama! I will take it out though, for query purposes. I do agree with you on tying together the themes. I've struggled with that. Even though she takes off for England (actual...
by oldhousejunkie
August 27th, 2010, 8:10 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Enemy Within
Replies: 7
Views: 1171

Re: Query: The Enemy Within

Thank you soooo much! I really does help. It's so funny that you can read successful queries all day long, then go to write one, and fail miserably. I don't know about the query ending there. That's the first half of the novel. The other half is in England and involves a lot more action than I was ...