Search found 84 matches

by kenpochick
April 1st, 2010, 9:37 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED
Replies: 9
Views: 1406

Re: Query Critique - Overcast Shadows - REVISED

I like #1 but here's my problem. You say that Gabriel and Vitiousus must unite their warring people but that's the first we've heard that there are warring people. Is Gabriel a leader? Who are they warring with?
by kenpochick
April 1st, 2010, 9:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A NEW DAY query (Contemp. YA)
Replies: 9
Views: 1629

Re: A NEW DAY query (Contemp. YA)

I would probably nix the nano part as well unless it's a major plot point. I also don't understant why she would care if his mom saved his life with some untested technology. Shouldn't she just be happy the boy she loves is alive? I don't really understand what the book is about because there are so...
by kenpochick
April 1st, 2010, 8:54 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Gilded Wings
Replies: 25
Views: 4174

Re: QUERY: FEATHERS (YA -Fantasy-Romance)

Hanna, There seems to be a disconnect between the two paragraphs. The first paragraph seems to be setting up a book about being torn in two directions by the divorce but then the mom shows up and you stop talking about that part. Then the angel comes out of no where. If the angel is the main plot I ...
by kenpochick
April 1st, 2010, 8:48 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5608

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella

Thanks Quill and Poisonguy. I think all the feedback has convinced me to leave it as is unless (crossing fingers) an agent or publisher wants it changed.
by kenpochick
March 31st, 2010, 5:49 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query letter for Too Enchanted; fantasy (here we go again)
Replies: 10
Views: 1933

Re: Query letter for Too Enchanted *second times a charm*

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You. Dear Agent, Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet and pea...
by kenpochick
March 31st, 2010, 5:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Book of the Watchers-revised
Replies: 9
Views: 1453

Re: Book of the Watchers-query

Okay, as I'm trying to understand what a query consists of by reading the queries and the feedback, I am hoping to gain a little insight in to my own rejected query. Thanks in advance for any and all comments. So far from what I've read there are quite a few people who have great comments and sugge...
by kenpochick
March 31st, 2010, 5:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5608

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella

Thank you guys so much for the feedback! I haven't changed the name in the MS yet. I did submit the original query to Evil editor and Query Shark so I'll see what they say about the name. I do really like it as is but I also don't want people to think I just stole some idea from Twilight. I truly di...
by kenpochick
March 29th, 2010, 11:59 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5608

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella

Thanks everyone, I'll keep cleaning it up. :-) Ryan: Goosbumps Horrorland will finish this year. Stine wrote 62 (!!!!!) books under the Goosebumps series. I was actually a little old for them by the time they got popular but my kids keep trying to convince me that they're old enough for them. Since ...
by kenpochick
March 29th, 2010, 11:54 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision
Replies: 7
Views: 1283

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision

I like the first one better although the having a child and molestation part still feels a little awkward where it is. I wonder if it would be better placed later on? Otherwise, good job. It's much better. I know what you mean about it sounding too technical with scientific details (nothing like lab...
by kenpochick
March 28th, 2010, 8:50 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection, Part Two: NOW CLOSED
Replies: 10
Views: 1940

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Part Two

You've gotten some good feedback. I agree with the others about the molestation part. It seems to be part of a side story but not really relevant to the main action of the poisoners. I also agree that the "Pressured by an evasive cop" is awkward. What about "Pressured by a cop who is evasive with de...
by kenpochick
March 28th, 2010, 8:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5608

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella REVISED

Ok, I changed the spelling of Isabella to get away from the Twilight connotation. I changed the wording and I also added in that this is the first in a planned series. I know you only query one book at a time but I've also heard that kids books are a hard sell without them being in a series. (In cas...
by kenpochick
March 28th, 2010, 8:03 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Co-writing and the pitfalls thereof
Replies: 8
Views: 1926

Re: Co-writing and the pitfalls thereof

I was doing that with a good friend. We say we'll get back to it so who knows. Our problem wasn't the different directions so much as she yielded to all of my ideas so it was "and then what happens?" A lot. I started getting a little irritated and I certainly don't want it to ruin the friendship. Ho...
by kenpochick
March 28th, 2010, 8:00 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Weird names
Replies: 24
Views: 3648

Re: Weird names

Ok, I have to chime in. Yes, Yes it does. Especially the baby in the Twilight books. Reneesme??? Seriously? I don't even call her that when I read the book, I just skip right over the name. Although I will admit that it's probably what a teenager would name their baby. I do that in High Fantasy and ...
by kenpochick
March 27th, 2010, 4:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5608

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella

Thanks for the resource. I'm definitely going to check that out. I've gotten some great suggestions so I'm going to clean it up. I have had trouble finding a genre. There's very little difference between young adult and adult but when you look at the differences between 5-12 years old both in readin...
by kenpochick
March 27th, 2010, 11:22 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: I AM ANNA - First Five Pages
Replies: 6
Views: 1802

Re: I AM ANNA - First Five Pages

I always thought my sister would be by my side, until today .(It seems this would have occurred to her before the funeral, maybe it didn't sink in until now or something like that.) I clutch the bible in my hands, willing myself not to cry. Standing on an elaborate alter I can see my sister’s light...