Search found 84 matches

by kenpochick
April 13th, 2010, 4:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG Novel Query
Replies: 14
Views: 2396

Re: MG Novel Query

I like your third revision and the story sounds interesting. I agree with the others about "tea." The parallels are already there between "Through the Looking Glass" and your story, mentioning tea immediately made me think "Alice". I would mention something else, heck even snack time would be approp...
by kenpochick
April 13th, 2010, 4:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: DISTILLATION - REVISED AGAIN
Replies: 8
Views: 1885

Re: QUERY: DISTILLATION - REVISED AGAIN

I would take JTB's revision and add a little more. Your version now doesn't get started at all until the 3rd paragraph and you name other characters without mentioning why I should care about them or who they are to the story. I'm assuming that Josephine is her mother but I have to assume because yo...
by kenpochick
April 13th, 2010, 4:33 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?
Replies: 14
Views: 2731

Re: New Manuscript - What do you think of this style?

It definitely seems rushed. There are several grammatical mistakes which stopped me reading to try to figure out what you were saying. The language also seems in conflict with the age of your main character. I know that it can be done properly like Orson Scott Card with Ender's Game but even there t...
by kenpochick
April 13th, 2010, 4:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER
Replies: 20
Views: 3170

Re: Query: A BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

The wording is better than your original but I agree with the others, it reads like a synopsis rather than a query. Try just focusing on who the main characters are, what the issue is that they face and how they overcome it.
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 8:03 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Distillation - a New England ghost story
Replies: 11
Views: 2324

Re: Distillation - a New England ghost story

Haunted by the superstitious lore of her mother, Alice Towne hasn’t been able to shake the feeling that something is not right. When she looks in the mirror, she sees only the outline of a person drawn by someone else, and not the person she wants to be. So Alice leaves everything behind, turning a...
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 7:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Isabella Vampirella Revision
Replies: 12
Views: 1877

Re: Query: Isabella Vampirella Revision

JTB,

Ok good. I thought it sounded stilted too.

That's exactly why I added it, from the comments I got after the post on Evil Editor, they clearly didn't get the character. Maybe they're not used to kids books.
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 7:51 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Updated YA first page :)
Replies: 20
Views: 3484

Re: Be the first to read my first page? :)

So far I like it. I remember getting ready for freshman year of highschool and thinking I was going to re-invent myself. In fact, now that I think about it, I thought the same thing starting college. I think it's something teenagers can relate to. Without knowing what your story is about though I ca...
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 6:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Isabella Vampirella Revision
Replies: 12
Views: 1877

Query: Isabella Vampirella Revision

Ok. I'm leaving the name as is and if miracles of miracles happen and I get an agent I will let them worry about it. :-) I added a little more of the plot to the query and I'm not sure if it's better or worse. Any feedback would be great! Dear Agent, Eight year old Isabella just knows her life will ...
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 10:48 am
Forum: Ask Nathan
Topic: Old Ask Nathan Thread
Replies: 793
Views: 193099

Re: Ask Nathan

Ok, I have a question for you too. I wrote a children's book naming the 8 year old heroine "Isabella Vampirella" and submitted my first draft of the query letter to Evil Editor. He pointed out that Vampirella may be trademarked since it has a long history as a comic book character name. When I searc...
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 10:34 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5597

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)

Thank you all for the feedback! I'm excited about this story and really want it to do well so I am continuing to perfect it as I'm sure we all do. I submitted the original query to Evil Editor and it got reviewed today, here's the link: http://evileditor.blogspot.com/ I was aware of the Vampirella c...
by kenpochick
April 5th, 2010, 9:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - THE NAMELESS
Replies: 11
Views: 2345

Re: QUERY - THE NAMELESS

Dear Agent: Eighteen-year-old Erica Ann Dawson (I don't think you need all 3 names here. I know that names are an important premise to your MS but in the first line it feels awkward to read all 3.) falls asleep in her bed in Batesfield, Connecticut and awakens to find herself driving down a four-la...
by kenpochick
April 2nd, 2010, 12:03 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: Novel Length
Replies: 17
Views: 3484

Re: Novel Length

http://editorialass.blogspot.com/2009/06/is-there-word-count-cap-for-debut-novel.html Though that might help. I've seen similar numbers as well. From what I've seen Adult fantasy books are allowed to be longer, up to 140,000. JK Rowling can write however many words she wants because people line up a...
by kenpochick
April 2nd, 2010, 11:56 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Hot & Cold!
Replies: 22
Views: 3500

Re: Hot & Cold!

I did put some distance to it and that helped. I put it away for a few weeks, worked on something else and then went back to it. Last night as I was going through it I came to a realization. I'm nit picking. You know that feeling when you're taking a test and you've gone through it over and over aga...
by kenpochick
April 2nd, 2010, 11:14 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revision number six
Replies: 31
Views: 5861

Re: New Draft - Need your feedback.. Thanks

I see a lot of comments on how long your query is and I think part of the problem is how long your book is. Could this be two books? 100k and 90k are pretty respectable sizes. Is there a good divide in there somewhere?
by kenpochick
April 2nd, 2010, 11:07 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: New Project, still untitled
Replies: 3
Views: 905

Re: New Project, still untitled

I don't know enough about the story to judge it. Nothing really happens in what you've posted. This may be coming from reading your intro and maybe I would feel differently if I hadn't read that part but whereas it could be read as cute and funny, I read it as making fun of mainstream books with an ...