Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi, Brendan: I don't know this genre, so just a few comments on the flow/word choice. I do think this version is better. Rory Balenford always believed in luck. Luck had taught him (can luck teach? do you mean helped him?) how to survive as a pickpocket on the streets and guided him to the one man m...

Hi, Stardog: Rather than offer a critique, I just played with your sentences a bit to try to make them flow better and to make some of the verbs stronger. Maybe it's just me, but when I saw the title I thought Blood Indian, but I am not familiar with this genre, so maybe it's ok. Good luck with your...

REVISION TWO Dear Agent: In the spring of 1938, in a remote farm home in the drought-stricken north of Saskatchewan, Gus and Rebecca Kelman's baby dies. Rebecca cannot find the will to leave her bed. She wonders how her husband could have walked away from the grave and back into life that continues...

I think this is really strong as it is. The story is there, the conflict, it's clear although there are some mysteries. You can play with it a bit if you choose, but I really like this query. It weaves a bit of a spell, I think. I like the simply appalled, I think it improves the rhythm of the piece...

Generally, I'd give this piece a thumbs up. The place where I became confused was when you mentioned Seb and the divorce. Because I'm not familiar with the fact that Seb is Grayson's brother, and I don't know their ages, I thought at first he might be her ex-husband. It soon becomes clear and I thin...

I'm sorry, but I'm feeling a little confused after reading the query. It's not really clear to me at first that the barfing is an allergy symptom, that would be pretty unusual, and honestly, I find it kind of gross, rather than funny, if it's meant to be funny. What does a dangerous time travel expe...

I have no idea how to pitch a short story collection. I think aspiring's suggestion about the Morelli's might make it work. On another note, how about putting the Morellis in the title? The Amazing Morelli Brothers - sounds like a circus act, lol. I just think you need something more...

Danielsmi: I think this is a big improvement. It's so much clearer and flows much better. Could still be tightened a bit, and remember we don't need to know everything, this is just a tease to get me to read on, as I understand queries. So this is sounding like something I would like to read. Commen...

I wonder if you have tried this? It's what Nathan suggests on his blog page: And I mean actually take the information from your novel and plug it into this formula. I think the story sounds interesting, but the query needs to be tightened. I think doing this as an exercise might help clarify the sto...

REVISION #1 My sister remarked to me that after so many versions, the query must feel like word hash. Yes. Yes, it does. Is this version any better? (Just for those of you who wondered. Life in the cities was very different from life on the farm in 1938. In the city there was electricity and teleph...

Congrats on becoming a father! This query has a lovely heart-warming feel to it. Not every story is about mystery/suspense and one of the oldest questions in literature is why do we die and what happens afterward. Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. I li...

First, let me say, this does read better than the first. Second, this is the hardest thing in the world to do, isn't it? Third, your laid-back Aussie voice will make you unique, and that's a good thing. Dear Nathan, I chose to submit to you because of your tastes in literary fiction and suspense, a...

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. It's really appreciated. Now, back to the drawing board, or the page, I guess.

I think perhaps the problem is that some things are not clear in the summary of the story. If the cousins are reuniting at her grandparent's home - does that imply that before the death of her aunt and uncle they all stayed with her grandparents? No. Of course not, but it 's not clear. Why were the ...

I am probably the wrong person to ask about this. I hope others have suggestions. I am Canadian so I don't know a lot about the perceptions about the Mormon church in the U.S. But, this is fiction. I had a similar concern about the town I used as a setting in my novel because it is a real town where...