Search found 173 matches

by GeeGee55
March 3rd, 2010, 10:13 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: The Griffinborn
Replies: 20
Views: 4318

Re: QUERY: The Griffinborn

Hi, Brendan: I don't know this genre, so just a few comments on the flow/word choice. I do think this version is better. Rory Balenford always believed in luck. Luck had taught him (can luck teach? do you mean helped him?) how to survive as a pickpocket on the streets and guided him to the one man m...
by GeeGee55
March 2nd, 2010, 9:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query "Blood of Ihdun' YA Urban Fantasy
Replies: 24
Views: 5054

Re: Query "Blood of Ihdun' revision

Hi, Stardog: Rather than offer a critique, I just played with your sentences a bit to try to make them flow better and to make some of the verbs stronger. Maybe it's just me, but when I saw the title I thought Blood Indian, but I am not familiar with this genre, so maybe it's ok. Good luck with your...
by GeeGee55
March 2nd, 2010, 8:55 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Revision #3
Replies: 37
Views: 7743

Re: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Revision #2

REVISION TWO Dear Agent: In the spring of 1938, in a remote farm home in the drought-stricken north of Saskatchewan, Gus and Rebecca Kelman's baby dies. Rebecca cannot find the will to leave her bed. She wonders how her husband could have walked away from the grave and back into life that continues...
by GeeGee55
March 1st, 2010, 3:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)
Replies: 16
Views: 3552

Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

I think this is really strong as it is. The story is there, the conflict, it's clear although there are some mysteries. You can play with it a bit if you choose, but I really like this query. It weaves a bit of a spell, I think. I like the simply appalled, I think it improves the rhythm of the piece...
by GeeGee55
February 28th, 2010, 9:35 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Five Pages (Contemporary YA)
Replies: 9
Views: 2758

Re: First Five Pages (Contemporary YA)

Generally, I'd give this piece a thumbs up. The place where I became confused was when you mentioned Seb and the divorce. Because I'm not familiar with the fact that Seb is Grayson's brother, and I don't know their ages, I thought at first he might be her ex-husband. It soon becomes clear and I thin...
by GeeGee55
February 28th, 2010, 9:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Aspen Prodigy (YA scifi) (revised)
Replies: 5
Views: 1583

Re: Query: The Aspen Prodigy (YA scifi)

I'm sorry, but I'm feeling a little confused after reading the query. It's not really clear to me at first that the barfing is an allergy symptom, that would be pretty unusual, and honestly, I find it kind of gross, rather than funny, if it's meant to be funny. What does a dangerous time travel expe...
by GeeGee55
February 27th, 2010, 10:42 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: The Exciting Life and Death of The Amazing Henry
Replies: 4
Views: 1272

Re: QUERY: The Exciting Life and Death of The Amazing Henry

I have no idea how to pitch a short story collection. I think aspiring's suggestion about the Morelli's might make it work. On another note, how about putting the Morellis in the title? The Amazing Morelli Brothers - sounds like a circus act, lol. I just think you need something more...
by GeeGee55
February 27th, 2010, 10:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - The Potter's Daughter - Revision 5
Replies: 26
Views: 4321

Re: Query Critique - The Potter's Daughter - Revision 3

Danielsmi: I think this is a big improvement. It's so much clearer and flows much better. Could still be tightened a bit, and remember we don't need to know everything, this is just a tease to get me to read on, as I understand queries. So this is sounding like something I would like to read. Commen...
by GeeGee55
February 25th, 2010, 12:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Critique - The Potter's Daughter - Revision 5
Replies: 26
Views: 4321

Re: Query Critique - The Potter's Daughter - Revision 2

I wonder if you have tried this? It's what Nathan suggests on his blog page: And I mean actually take the information from your novel and plug it into this formula. I think the story sounds interesting, but the query needs to be tightened. I think doing this as an exercise might help clarify the sto...
by GeeGee55
February 24th, 2010, 11:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Revision #3
Replies: 37
Views: 7743

Re: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Revision #1

REVISION #1 My sister remarked to me that after so many versions, the query must feel like word hash. Yes. Yes, it does. Is this version any better? (Just for those of you who wondered. Life in the cities was very different from life on the farm in 1938. In the city there was electricity and teleph...
by GeeGee55
February 23rd, 2010, 6:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)
Replies: 8
Views: 1918

Re: Ryan Chin--Query--Memoir (2/22 Draft)

Congrats on becoming a father! This query has a lovely heart-warming feel to it. Not every story is about mystery/suspense and one of the oldest questions in literature is why do we die and what happens afterward. Every man and his dog have a story. And for some stories to begin, one must end. I li...
by GeeGee55
February 23rd, 2010, 1:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Aussie needs international feedback
Replies: 28
Views: 6202

Re: Query: Aussie needs international feedback

First, let me say, this does read better than the first. Second, this is the hardest thing in the world to do, isn't it? Third, your laid-back Aussie voice will make you unique, and that's a good thing. Dear Nathan, I chose to submit to you because of your tastes in literary fiction and suspense, a...
by GeeGee55
February 22nd, 2010, 5:20 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Revision #3
Replies: 37
Views: 7743

Re: QUERY: SPIRIT HILL - Literary

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. It's really appreciated. Now, back to the drawing board, or the page, I guess.
by GeeGee55
February 21st, 2010, 1:37 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Help: Contemporary YA - Sitting on Rooftops
Replies: 11
Views: 2814

Re: Query Help: Contemporary YA - Sitting on Rooftops

I think perhaps the problem is that some things are not clear in the summary of the story. If the cousins are reuniting at her grandparent's home - does that imply that before the death of her aunt and uncle they all stayed with her grandparents? No. Of course not, but it 's not clear. Why were the ...
by GeeGee55
February 20th, 2010, 8:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query (Writer's Block YA Fantasy)
Replies: 10
Views: 2314

Re: Query (Writer's Block)

I am probably the wrong person to ask about this. I hope others have suggestions. I am Canadian so I don't know a lot about the perceptions about the Mormon church in the U.S. But, this is fiction. I had a similar concern about the town I used as a setting in my novel because it is a real town where...