Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Ok here is a revision. I hope this makes more sense. I know a query isn't a synopsis so I don't want to tell the whole story in it... hmmm I don't even really know. You guys tell me! Dear Agent, Dear Awesome Agent, I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in Young Adult, and because...

Anything for Jellybeans! I'm assuming this is not a query but the opening of the novel. Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted for me, the passive works here because of the situation he's in out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had ...

The pages are what they are, the best I could make them. And I was trying to make something beautiful. I wonder if anyone produces their first movie or book or whatever thinking it will grab an Oscar or a Pulitzer. I don't know. Does anyone intend to be cliche? w A writer that lives in my province w...

Adding the bit to connect the dead mother with the tree makes it a lot better, for me. I have a friend in Australia who believes that trees have spirits. Good luck with it.

Revision 4 Ok, so I stepped away for a bit for clarity. Having digested the critiques (thank you so much for the feedback) I am submitting a new revision. It's time to reload the query cart as it has been a week or two since the last set of rejections. Ideally this will be sent out in the next roun...

This is a great idea for a novel. I think CoachMT has given you some very sound advice about how to begin. It all flows really well if you use the sentence he/she advises for the lead. You don't need to mention the name of the novel twice, once at the conclusion is sufficient. And you don't need the...

This mighty beast possesses a golden vein - a filament in it's heart - etc. This is a sentence from the Belle version of the query, it's a great sentence. Keep it.

Hi, Serzen: I don't hate this either. If I remember correctly you said in an earlier post that it's written in second person, so that will be a challenge in terms of doing the query. It's a bit choppy, disjointed. I need some connectors in order to be able to follow the story line. What does a fight...

Though it's tempting to leave out the word count, I wouldn't. How do you expect to establish a relationship based on trust, and I assume you want that with your agent, if that relationship begins on a less than honest basis. Just admit it wasn't your finest idea, forgive yourself and begin again. I ...

House of Sand and Fog is a more recent novel utilizing two POV

Hi, Wallflower: Just a few suggestions about word choice to make it more clear Here is my latest version, taking in all the feedback. I am also soon going to post a version that takes a different approach to the structure. Remy wakes up on a park bench with no memory and no identity. But he has some...

Testing to see if I can figure out how to use the quote feature: I posted the first draft and the latest revision so it will be easier to compare. For these ongoing threads, this format could help. Scrolling all over the thread to see the original and the latest revisions gets tedious. I think addin...

Hi, Drewes: Here are my suggestions/reactions as I read your query: Humanity Will Fall. if you want to keep this structure, I think I would add the word is here and make it into a full sentence A propaganda slogan plastered around the city of Necro. A slogan Dom Craddock, werewolf resistance fighter...

To those of you who have come back to this page more than once to try to help me thanks so much. Erica thanks for the reminder that all the comments can distract me from the original goal. And, I don't know - nightmare is such a strong word - on second thought, yes, yes, it is a nightmare.

I feel the need to jump in to this active vs passive debate. My understanding of an active sentence is that the subject of the sentence is the one taking the action. Therefore, in the sentence she is informed, she is not the one taking the action, she is the one receiving the action and the sentence...