Nathan Bransford - The Forums

It could be interesting, but the plot description is too vague. I'd like to know who or what the ancient foe is. I'd like to know what powers are awakened in her. I don't get a sense of humorous situations at all from the plot desciption. I'd like to know why the ancient powerful foe is so set again...

I love the descriptions here. I am with Bohemienne. The next to last line is beautiful.

I really like the opening. This part especially is well written: Lorna asks if that’s Baron Heaume down in the gardens. I can’t tell her—can’t tell anyone—so I ask her to go back inside while I make him leave. I beat on his thick chest and tell him I hate him once Lorna’s gone, but he plucks me up l...

Queries aren't my strong suit, but reads a little short for me. I like the opening paragraphs: Sixteen year old Lily would rather goof off with her best friend Riley, while the rest of the girl world just seems interested in getting his attention. She doesn’t need a tan and lying on a beach is borin...

I definitely liked the second version better. Admittedly it's a bit wordy, and I skimmed a bit. I really liked Calliopenjo's revision suggestions. You write well, and I would read on. But I do trip a bit on the name: Vitiosus. How is it pronounced?

I really don't have much to add that hasn't arleady been said. I love the setup here, you can definitely feel the bleak atmosphere. THe last paragraphs were quite chilling: In another part of the building, another wing, another floor, some great beastly machine surges to life, is put to its designat...

Hey this is an excerpt from my novel. I am taking it to a conference and would like to have it critiqued first. Thank you for your help! Writer’s Block Writer’s Block. Anne hated the sound of it, the feel of it, the truth of it. She stared at her computer screen and willed her characters to speak to...