Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Sounds interesting! I don't know much about non fiction proposals, but I would read this.

I like the second version better. It seems like a lot of fun. Good luck!

I like the newer version of this as well. Needs a bit tidying up as maybegenius said, but this seems like a fun read.

Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian. I adore these books.

I'm working on an expose of the many ways authors handicap their poor characters, and how a poorly written villian just might destroy the fictional world. Also, a romance. ;)

Or it's a humorous YA Fantasy. (Aiming toward 18-25 years old.) (And all writers, everywhere.)

I like the premise. I'd start with the first paragraph: Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her...

Ooh I like the premise, I love fairy tales! I like the last query best. Good luck with this!

The voice shift doesn't bother me too much, because I kind of like flowery words for visions. However I wonder if it is the setting that is off putting. The famous Percy Jackson books begin in a museum where he first experiences his demigod nature...maybe it is just seeming too similar to those book...

Thank you stardog! I will definitely be more aware of the ing clauses! ( Thank you, staypositive. I will work on making it less script like? Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between less is more and more is less. I keep hearing add more movement, add less, I need to know how they saying this....

I like the additions. This paragraph is definitely clearer: But the end of these days ripens on the horizon bright as dawn—I see the life that’s been designed for me, like lifting away an engine’s casing to reveal its gears. Lorna, who cannot touch the arcana, has confessed her parents’ threats of a...

This one is better, in my opinion. I think the voice is good, and I like the way you describe her talent in the second paragraph. Good luck with this!

Thank you for your comment Mary! Thank you very much for the editing, Bohemienne! Your suggestions were definitely helpful. (I can use them to look through the rest of my manuscript.) The opening pages of Anne's story aren't supposed to be very good. She's a beginning writer, and her problems with v...

I really like the idea, I think it sounds like a lot of fun. But I think that 150,000 words is probably too long for the book. I tripped a bit over this sentence here: The prophet, his pathfinder, his chosen one, and his chosen one’s girlfriend must plumb the depths of the capital’s catacombs to mak...

I really like the latest version of your query. It seems like a fun read, I particularly like the opening sentence and this paragraph: As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth overtakes reality. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become trust...

I like the last one. The voice is fun and interesting.

When her visions start to bleed into her reality, pun intended, and the killer is hot on her trail instead, Channing winds up shackled and gagged on a cold, metal table. Too bad her visions never showed her this.

This is a good hook. :)