Nathan Bransford - The Forums

It is definitely more clear, and I like the plot. I like that she needs to save the world from some of her classmates. But my concern is the word count. Isn't 97,000 words too long for middle grade? Is there any chance that this is actually Young Adult? (May be long for YA even.) Edit: I just saw th...

I don't have anything to add ot the crits, but I think that this sounds like a lot of fun! I love Mr. Sort-of Dead. Hahaha! I would absolutely read this.

It's a bit wordy, and I'm not the best person to suggest how to reword it. You could probably say similar to "Grayson just wants things to be perfect again. Three years after her aunt and uncles death she reunites with her cousins while visiting their grandparents. They used to be like sisters,...

Well, I maybe wouldn't go into a TON of detail on how he can become real, but mentioning it would go a long way towards clearing things up. Leave some intrigue, but if an agent can't understand your plot I doubt they'd ask for a partial or full. :) Haha, good point! I'll definitely try to rework it...

Thank you Jordynface! I never know how much information to include in a query, I first mentioned how he can become real, and I've been told to remove it. Nicholas isn't real when he enters reality. He's basically a supernatural creature. But he is still completely controlled by Anne, who has no idea...

I like the language in this. The opening line was particularly good. But I wonder if you want to start this way. You mention up front that the voice will change, and that is one major complaint from editors and agents about prologues. They give an excuse to change the voice or the tone of the story....

I think that this sounds like a lot of fun and definitely something that I would read. I agree with GG writer I agree. I like your voice, but you need to elaborate on what the main conflict is going to be. At this point it could be anything. His life could be in danger, his family's lives could be i...

I'm not very good at writing queries, so please help as much as you can. :) Dear Agent, No one knows what happens to characters when their author finishes the book. Nicholas Tremain isn’t ready to find out. He gives his author, Anne, writer’s block and enters a realm of fiction where characters live...

The newest version looks better. Definitely agree with Coach's edits. :) Does this story take place in Ogden Utah because you live there? I'm just curious because I live in Provo, and there's a conference here in April.

I need feedback - love it or hate it, please feel free to comment. Daylight had long since given up its hold on the small town of Edwardsville, Illinois. With the sun’s departure, darkness crept into the town like black fog, shrouding buildings and trees in a hushed gloom. Bright florescent lights ...

Ooh I've been murdering all day! I murdered at least two pages so far. Wish I'd saved some of it to share. ;)

Ah ha, found one!

He still couldn’t figure out why he had lost the duel.

Do you mean who we killed, or our favorite sentence of the day?

I love the sentence, by the way.

If you mean dead darlings, well...I just maimed a few dinosaurs.

It's the way she tells people to end their queries if they don't use sincerely. One person ended it with "thank you for your valuable time" and she said her time wasn't any more valuable than theirs, and to use "thank you for your time and consideration" instead. (It's query 112....

Thanks everyone for shredding my query, please let me know if the latest revision is good or not. Here is the prologue for my story.Not sure if I want to begin it here or not. Let me know and please shred away! lol The clink of glass and drone of muted conversation could be heard from the common ar...

I like teh second version better. It's a great premise. I agree with Ghost's editing suggestions. Definitely end with something like "sincerely" over best wishes. I think Janet Reid favors "thank you for your time and consideration."