Search found 19 matches

by Poisonguy
June 15th, 2010, 5:32 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 120173

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear agent extraordinaire, Natural Selection is a 100,000-word mystery that follows Dragan Sakic’s personal struggles as he joins a police investigation into a series of bizarre deaths. When Dragan, an ER physician, agrees to have a child with his girlfriend, thoughts of his childhood molestation fl...
by Poisonguy
May 28th, 2010, 5:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Nathan's query "template"
Replies: 20
Views: 2881

Re: Nathan's query "template"

BigHeadX, I like J.T. Shea's version better. The flow is smoother to my deaf-tone ears. And, mmmmmm, moldly meatloaf. Here's mine (after a little finessing too): After he decides to have a baby with his girlfriend, Dragan Sakic, an ER doctor, retreats into his protective shell when thoughts of his c...
by Poisonguy
April 29th, 2010, 3:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Isabella Vampirella Revision
Replies: 12
Views: 1875

Re: Query: Isabella Vampirella Revision

Kenpochick, leave it as it is. It's just fine. The aim of querying is to get the agent to request pages. You've more than accomplish that. Don't overdo it by changing it. Right now, it's yours. If you take on too much advice (and rewriting suggestions), it loses some of the "you" from the query. If ...
by Poisonguy
April 1st, 2010, 2:40 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5586

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella

I'd keep the name as you had it originally. If it has to be changed, let the agent and publisher make that decision for you.
by Poisonguy
March 31st, 2010, 7:59 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Help Needed: ZOMBIE RABBIT
Replies: 13
Views: 2503

Re: Query Help Needed: ZOMBIE RABBIT

This is so much better. I think you're at the point of fine-tuning now. Great job. This really sounds like a story I'd like to read or read to my girls. Good luck with it. Milo Thimbleberry is a rabbit bumbling down the road of life when he’s run over by a truck. Most rabbits move on to the Misty Me...
by Poisonguy
March 31st, 2010, 6:59 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query- Isabella Vampirella (EVIL EDITOR response at end)
Replies: 36
Views: 5586

Re: Query- Isabella Vampirella

Hi kenpochick, I really like what you have. It's almost in tip top shape (which is really relative to who reads it). But I think the general consensus is that you don't need to do much more. Since I come in late, I'll just address my only concern--that long sentence. Someone else provided a good sug...
by Poisonguy
March 30th, 2010, 4:50 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query Help Needed: ZOMBIE RABBIT
Replies: 13
Views: 2503

Re: Query Help Needed: ZOMBIE RABBIT

Hi chomsnumnum. I think this needs more work. You've got a good skeleton, but you need to give it some meat. I'll try to fatten it up a bit. My critiquing tone sometimes comes across as authoritarian, so keep in mind that I'm just an unpublished guy trying to give you constructive input. Don't read ...
by Poisonguy
March 30th, 2010, 3:57 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision
Replies: 7
Views: 1277

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision

As you can see, Justine, I heeded Lacrymal's advice (by making rips fit!). :-) Kenpochick, I've added the scientific qualifications (that's all I have that is relevant. I'm a first time author). MrPluckey, great polishing suggestions. I've incorporated them. I used "chance" as it slides nicely into ...
by Poisonguy
March 29th, 2010, 8:02 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision
Replies: 7
Views: 1277

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision

Thanks lacrymal. Lots. I had changed the "who"s to "that"s but changed them back at the last minute. The first time I wrote this particular sentence, I used "that." Then, a while back, I had it critiqued somewhere else and several people commented it was odd to refer to a human killer as a "that" an...
by Poisonguy
March 29th, 2010, 5:46 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision
Replies: 7
Views: 1277

Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Final Revision

Thanks for clicking on my submission and my appreciations to all that have contributed (I've thoughtfully considered every comment). Find below what I hope will be a sample that requires only a final edit. Again, one sample has the personal stuff in, the other doesn't. For lurkers, just a mention o...
by Poisonguy
March 29th, 2010, 3:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection, Part Two: NOW CLOSED
Replies: 10
Views: 1932

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Part Two

Thanks, Ken, for the feedback. I'll definitely be more specific about the "evasive cop." FYI--just so you know where I'm coming from for this story--I worked in poison centers for over ten years (and in that capacity I dealt with the Medical Examiner's office and Toxicology Office on a few occasions...
by Poisonguy
March 28th, 2010, 3:58 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection, Part Two: NOW CLOSED
Replies: 10
Views: 1932

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Part Two

Evasive
adj.
1. Inclined or intended to evade: took evasive action.
2. Intentionally vague or ambiguous; equivocal: an evasive statement.


The second usage.
by Poisonguy
March 27th, 2010, 2:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection, Part Two: NOW CLOSED
Replies: 10
Views: 1932

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery) Part Two

Maybe by making a few things clearer, it will help give my reasons more anchor, and you, more perspective to add to your already very good, worthy advice. The reason for the "imperceptible changes, species, evolution" is that it ties in to the "theme" of Natural Selection, the title of the book and ...
by Poisonguy
March 26th, 2010, 9:37 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection, Part Two: NOW CLOSED
Replies: 10
Views: 1932

Query: Natural Selection, Part Two: NOW CLOSED

This is what I came up with after incorporating the suggestions I received here. The first sample includes personal information on the protagonist (which addresses a theme that is expanded upon in the story) and the second doesn't (mainly because some folks suggested it was better to exclude this i...
by Poisonguy
March 26th, 2010, 9:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Natural Selection. CLOSED: NO NEED TO COMMENT
Replies: 6
Views: 1132

Re: Query: Natural Selection (Mystery/Thriller)

Thank you all for your insight. It was all well received. Your questions and concerns prompted me to do some editing. I haven't incorporated all the suggestions, but I've tried to clarify what needed clarification. Plus, I've streamlined it a bit. If interested, see the new thread I posted.