Search found 14 matches

by JL Hartfield
February 17th, 2010, 5:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)

Looking for a few more opinions on this version still.
by JL Hartfield
February 15th, 2010, 1:13 am
Forum: Procrastination
Topic: Worst Query Competition
Replies: 29
Views: 5124

Re: Worst Query Competition

I'd like to invite you to read my 236,744 word Historical Science Fiction Paranormal Fantasy Thriller, ED. Henry Porter is a chip off the old block, but feels like a fish out of water when it comes to wizardry. When he meets the girl of his dreams, he realizes that love isn't a sprint, it's a marath...
by JL Hartfield
February 15th, 2010, 12:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (Fourth Revision)

NEW VERSION! This is actually the seventh version of this query. I'm trying to go in a different direction with each one and see how it plays out. A few questions I'd like any reviews to answer: 1) Should I leave the paragraphs short like this, or combine some of them? 2) Should "Planetary Restorat...
by JL Hartfield
February 14th, 2010, 2:43 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Critique my query please! "Blown to Smithereens"
Replies: 6
Views: 1144

Re: Critique my query please! "Blown to Smithereens"

Eliora's life is shattered by a midnight phone call. Her photographer husband Micha was killed by a suicide bomber while out for a beer with some buddies after a photo shoot in Tel Aviv . This is just way too long and too much in one go. Break it up, reword it, add some punctuation. Something needs...
by JL Hartfield
February 14th, 2010, 1:21 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (REVISED AGAIN)

Here is the most recent (and hopefully one of the last!) revision for TFI. As always, anything goes. Have at it! _______________ Dear Agent, When the galactic government sends Lieutenant Jana Darren to the deserted planet Earth on a mission to recover data from a crashed research expedition, the la...
by JL Hartfield
February 13th, 2010, 12:35 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (REVISED)

This is another version of the query. Please direct suggestions to either this or the previous one. Shuffling through some old papers, I came across an old query rough draft I'd written for TFI. I figured I'd post this one here. _______________________ First the galactic government receives word of...
by JL Hartfield
February 12th, 2010, 10:13 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt: Through Fire and Ice
Replies: 2
Views: 1041

Re: Excerpt: Through Fire and Ice

Explanation as to which branch, if any, this Lt is a part of would be nice. Blue suggests Air Force? Is she in ROTC? Coast Guard? Clarify somehow. There is actually no branch distinction in this story. It is mentioned in the next chapter, but I'll bring it forward to help orient the reader. You'd b...
by JL Hartfield
February 12th, 2010, 9:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (REVISED)

Thanks for all your feedback so far. The things you brought up are the things that I've been looking at myself. I'm working on the third version, which will hopefully fix most (if not all) of these problems. I've decided to take the route from some of my other queries and write a simple sentence for...
by JL Hartfield
February 12th, 2010, 4:08 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: Scrivener and Windows Alternatives
Replies: 15
Views: 3078

Re: Scrivener and Windows Alternatives

Have you checked out yWriter5? I've used it for a while and it's really useful. I like the chapter/scene features, as well as the character/item/location inputs to help you keep track of your stuff. It will also help you with your synopsis. I would definitely give it a shot.
by JL Hartfield
February 12th, 2010, 3:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised Turning Red Query up for critique
Replies: 8
Views: 1616

Re: Query up for critique

Rights-to-life activist and florist Betty Brown sees herself as the soil that lies unnoticed beneath the beauty of flowers. Her life is humdrum until she moves to the rural mountains of North Idaho, where her Uncle Frank disappeared. This is confusing to me. You made it seem like her uncle disappea...
by JL Hartfield
February 12th, 2010, 1:24 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Excerpt: Through Fire and Ice
Replies: 2
Views: 1041

Excerpt: Through Fire and Ice

This is the first five pages of TFI. I'm looking for anything and everything you can find. Typos, grammar, anything that doesn't make sense...anything I might have missed the first time around. Once again, do your worst. **************** Great, just absolutely wonderful! The transfer hearing should...
by JL Hartfield
February 12th, 2010, 12:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice

***Here is the new version. Please post your suggestions for this one, not the older version.*** Dear Agent, Sucks . That’s the word lieutenant Jana Darren would use to describe her life. Fifteen years in the military has caused her to slip into a coma of routine, and she hates it. A long awaited t...
by JL Hartfield
February 11th, 2010, 8:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3055

Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)

***I have posted the new version of the query below as a reply. While I welcome comments to the older version, I would appreciate your thoughts on the new version. Thanks for reading!*** Do your worst! ***** Dear Agent, Sucks. That's the word Lieutenant Jana Darren would use to describe her life. F...
by JL Hartfield
February 11th, 2010, 8:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: rip my first query to shreads!!
Replies: 6
Views: 1220

Re: rip my first query to shreads!!

Dear Agent, After playing a part in a planned robbery that had gone insanely wrong, seventeen year old Lydia ran off to a small city in British Columbia, where she hoped to heal her painful wounds, and forgive herself for what she had done. Finding residents residence in an old medicine man’s shack...