Search found 10 matches

by benwhiting
February 17th, 2010, 10:31 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Does my query meat taste good?
Replies: 3
Views: 989

Re: Does my query meat taste good?

I agree with the suggestion to post the whole thing. THE BASEMENT is a story of self-discovery. I think agents prefer to see that your story is about self-discovery by the details you give. Don't just sum it up. With the help of aptitude test answer key drawings, a high class call girl/psychoanalyst...
by benwhiting
February 16th, 2010, 11:20 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try
Replies: 26
Views: 4186

Re: The Ghost Posts a Query - 4th try

This query looks really good. I'm not sure I have much left to say--Serzen said most of it. I think the third paragraph is probably the biggest place where you could still improve a little. Jodie’s surveillance I think these two words throw me off, because she could be the one watched or she could b...
by benwhiting
February 13th, 2010, 11:10 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3070

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (REVISED)

First the galactic government receives word of a threat; an emerging terrorist group promises to bring them down, no matter what it takes. Then, she falls for black ops soldier Aeronth, but he makes it clear that he won’t be there to catch her. Sucks. That’s how Lieutenant Jana Darren would describ...
by benwhiting
February 12th, 2010, 10:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: Penumbra (1 Revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 2142

Re: QUERY: Penumbra

Thanks to those those who have commented. Here is my revised version. Nothing too drastic, but I think the comments helped me to tweak some things. Not sure I'm sold on the way I tried to fix things--more on the fact that these are the things to fix. And I'm not going to scoff at a slight change--th...
by benwhiting
February 12th, 2010, 10:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3070

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice (REVISED)

She develops feelings for him, but he makes it clear that if she’s falling, she’s on her own come time for the catching This is better, but I think you could still improve it. It's wordy, especially the last phrase. Perhaps: "She begins to fall for him, but he makes it clear that he has no plans to...
by benwhiting
February 11th, 2010, 9:27 pm
Forum: Books
Topic: Steven James
Replies: 0
Views: 753

Steven James

I recently discovered Mr. James after someone recommended him to me at a writing conference. James writes mystery thrillers, and his detective, Patrick Bowers, uses an interesting method to solve crimes--environmental criminology. James' first book, The Pawn , was great, balancing the personal-life ...
by benwhiting
February 11th, 2010, 9:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Through Fire and Ice (NEW VERSION!)
Replies: 14
Views: 3070

Re: Query: Through Fire and Ice

Dear Agent, Sucks. That's the word Lieutenant Jana Darren would use to describe her life. Forced into the military at a young age, she’s since slipped into a coma of routine (love this) , and she hates it. Military life is not what she would have chosen. (we already know that because she was forced...
by benwhiting
February 11th, 2010, 8:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Thriller Query (Genre, that is). Open to Suggestions!
Replies: 18
Views: 3432

Re: Thriller Query (Genre, that is). Open to Suggestions!

Most of this is well-done. The last paragraph mentions a voice from beyond the grave. I assume that is the green-eyed girl, but I think that could be made clearer. Also, the construction of the final sentence is awkward. You might see if you can make the verbs parallel somehow. Maybe: "is dangerousl...
by benwhiting
February 11th, 2010, 7:22 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: Penumbra (1 Revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 2142

QUERY: Penumbra (1 Revision)

I've sent this out a few times now. I got two partial requests right away and thought I was onto something, but both of those have now turned into rejections, and the other queries have come back as rejections as well. Critique away. ***REVISED VERSION BELOW*** Dear Agent, Avicus Bost’s mother raise...
by benwhiting
February 11th, 2010, 7:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: rip my first query to shreads!!
Replies: 6
Views: 1231

Re: rip my first query to shreads!!

Okay, first critique (does that cover me legally for any butchering that ensues?) Not sure how close an examination you want, so I'll just go ahead and point out what I see. If I'm too nit-picky, sorry--just let me know. Dear Agent, After playing a part in a planned robbery that had gone insanely wr...