Search found 26 matches

by Brian_H
July 13th, 2012, 10:58 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

@ Viro Thank you, those are very goos suggestions and explanations. I have incorporated most if not all of them above. I have a few replies to things you pointed out. Hopefully it will clear things up and you can help me fine-tune this further. 1. Can only watch - I rearranged the order in which thi...
by Brian_H
July 12th, 2012, 6:45 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

Okay so in addition to making some minor changes in text, I also tried to manipulate the sentence structure to make the pace quicken at the end. All comments are of course welcome, but please let me know if it read faster toward the end for you.

Thanks!
by Brian_H
July 11th, 2012, 2:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: Serendipity - New version on post 09
Replies: 9
Views: 2580

Re: QUERY: Serendipity - New version on post 06

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent: Viv, looking good. A few minor suggestions. I read some advice from an agent once that said "evaluate every word. If the sentence works without it, take it out." Sometimes, I think it's okay to break that rule, but generally it's good advice. Also, there are a few word choice tha...
by Brian_H
July 10th, 2012, 5:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Tidal Wave - YA Fantasy
Replies: 6
Views: 1333

Re: Tidal Wave - YA Fantasy

Hi magpie, For what it's worth, I think if you're going to break from traditional formatting, your query has to be perfectly written and absolutely captivating. It has to grab the agent by the throat. I think you have a little ways to go, but I have a suggestion or two. Regarding the original effort...
by Brian_H
July 3rd, 2012, 12:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Military Urban Fantasy Query
Replies: 8
Views: 1329

Re: Military Urban Fantasy Query

I read the same thing, 'patch. I think you missed a "the."

Other than that, I really like the way it reads now. Good work.
by Brian_H
July 3rd, 2012, 12:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

those are excellent suggestions. I have a bad habit of inserting words that add no real value. i've incorporated your ideas into the latest version up top.

thank you
by Brian_H
July 3rd, 2012, 10:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Military Urban Fantasy Query
Replies: 8
Views: 1329

Re: Military Urban Fantasy Query

This sounds good, but I want to warn you about something. You are writing to an audience that is extremely difficult to win over. It's the whole "supension of disbelief" thing. I can watch a cowboy movie with alien spacecraft and have no problem accepting the premise, but if the dirt road they are r...
by Brian_H
July 2nd, 2012, 4:02 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Pawn
Replies: 7
Views: 1467

Re: Query: The Pawn

HI. I put a bunch of comments here. I hope you do not think I'm trying to be mean or overly critical. There's just a lot of information here and it's not always clear to me what is going on. Falsely accused of murder, a runaway who? Donnivus? It's unclear uncovers an ancient plot that involves a ro...
by Brian_H
July 2nd, 2012, 3:26 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

@Merry Gosh, those are all great tips, but I'm not sure how to go about providing a lot of detail without making my query too long. I've tried to trim out some stuff, and add some details where I can. (posted up top in original post). Does this give you a better sense of what is going on? In terms o...
by Brian_H
June 28th, 2012, 7:01 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Humorous Women's Fiction
Replies: 15
Views: 3479

Re: Query: Humorous Women's Fiction

Although this is not really my genre, I enjoyed this Query and thought it was very well done. I do have a few nitpicky things, most of which I think have already been said. 1. "complete at"... I've read blogs from agents who get miffed at tiny things like the word complete. It's implied that your st...
by Brian_H
June 28th, 2012, 10:58 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

@ Elsinora Wow, thank you for showing me the shark tank. I pretty much spent all night reading and revising. I have a few more days worth of catching up to do (at least) but I wanted to share with you, and anyone else, how much of an improvement I think it has already made. If anyone else has not ye...
by Brian_H
June 27th, 2012, 1:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Re: Query: Death's Catalyst

All excellent suggestions, thank you. Heading over to the shark right now.
by Brian_H
June 27th, 2012, 9:38 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Death's Catalyst
Replies: 15
Views: 3808

Query: Death's Catalyst

EDIT: Latest revisions will be posted here, so people don't have to pick through the thread to find it. Thanks again for everyone's help! Ben Caruso has seen his share of corpses during twelve years as a Chicago police detective, but when he discovers the viciously pared nine year old boy is his so...
by Brian_H
April 14th, 2010, 7:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New query for The Devil You Don't Know
Replies: 16
Views: 2793

Re: New query for The Devil You Don't Know

I didn't mean to imply that you were refering to me directly, or that I was in any way offended. Like you, I did not know that was rude and your comment helped me see the error of my ways. My appreciation was genuine. :) I can certainly see why it could be considered rude for people to rewrite somet...
by Brian_H
April 12th, 2010, 1:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: New query for The Devil You Don't Know
Replies: 16
Views: 2793

Re: New query for The Devil You Don't Know

Oops; thank you Christi for politely informing me I was being rude. I've been out of the loop for a while and didn't realize I was breaking etiquette. Sorry Terry if I offended in any way. Obviously with your credentials as a writer you'd know what works better than I, and any suggestion I made in t...