Search found 6 matches

by Shawnald
December 30th, 2013, 5:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Dybbuk- Query help and critique!
Replies: 5
Views: 4058

Re: The Dybbuk- Query help and critique!

Yes, better. And the world loves Spartan queries, but maybe we've sanded too much out. Maybe add back in a few eyedropper's worth of details. Like "Jewish boy." That's too ambiguous a visual. Sure, he's not really a Yeshiva student, but he's something. Something other than an ethnicity and a gender....
by Shawnald
December 19th, 2013, 5:40 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: SciFi? Or Reality?
Replies: 5
Views: 3329

Re: SciFi? Or Reality?

Well your rewrite is much improved over the first version, Longknife. One of the tropes people always roll out at a time like this is "Well, I'm not a reader of Sci Fi, so ______________ ." I'll spare you that indignity. I refer to this particular style of story as a "Whiteboard plot." Every four pa...
by Shawnald
December 17th, 2013, 1:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query -- MG thriller
Replies: 1
Views: 1974

Re: Query -- MG thriller

Wow. This is a hard nut to crack, ddgreff. This is SO much the query I would write. Our pitch style is so similar. And it's probably why I neither one of us have an agent. And I mean this: I'm intrigued by the story. I think you've got a compelling MG here. You just need to get out your sander and ...
by Shawnald
December 17th, 2013, 1:14 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie
Replies: 3
Views: 1987

Re: YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie

Vincent is a super-being. A cactus that has been genetically engineered to absorb the power of Field energy. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is that he's tired of being trapped in the underground military lab where he's been kept since he was a seedling. [Insert sound of screeching brakes he...
by Shawnald
December 17th, 2013, 1:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Dybbuk- Query help and critique!
Replies: 5
Views: 4058

Re: The Dybbuk- Query help and critique!

Wow, Anigirl! I really, really like the hook. If I were an agent, I'd definitely skip down to the sample pages. Why "mid seventies?" You are already jumping us back in time. Why not pick a year? Why the ambiguity? Dear (Agent's name),. 1974. Immigrant Konrad Franks and his family are living a peacef...
by Shawnald
December 17th, 2013, 12:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Forest and the Sea
Replies: 8
Views: 4339

Re: Query: The Forest and the Sea

Yeah. What the other critiquers are politely telling you, Wilderness, is that this query is way out of phase with what agents are telling us they expect. You really have to get the marketing/advertising diction out of this and just attach the agent's emotional commitment to the characters as efficie...