Search found 3 matches

by ZoeOlivia
September 25th, 2013, 5:37 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: untitled retail humor (600 words)
Replies: 2
Views: 6584

Re: untitled retail humor (600 words)

I used to be a retail manager, so I DEFINITELY relate to what you're trying to do here, but I think you may be putting the customer down in a way that is kind of hard to picture and possibly insulting. People don't like to think that retail workers HATE THEM THAT MUCh, it's depressing. Maybe use a c...
by ZoeOlivia
September 25th, 2013, 5:25 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 400 Words of OF ICE AND ASHES, YA Light Fantasy
Replies: 4
Views: 3758

Re: First 400 Words of OF ICE AND ASHES, YA Light Fantasy

I like this intro because I think it gives a glimpse into an interesting story, but I would recommend you have more action from the get go. I would ease back on the introversion and have her speak more (for example when she says "accidents happen" and then thinks about how they haven't happened, she...
by ZoeOlivia
September 25th, 2013, 5:12 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 500 Words - MG Fantasy
Replies: 3
Views: 3740

Re: First 500 Words - MG Fantasy

I think this intro works in that it opens up a lot of questions and gives you an idea of who the main characters are (mom, boy, girl) and we know the accident was the girls fault (I'm sorry mom), and that the boy if 12 and in the hospital; but if I were you I would let the reader dive in a little bi...