Search found 15 matches
- September 30th, 2012, 12:43 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revised Query The Woodlands
- Replies: 2
- Views: 2190
Re: Revised Query The Woodlands
I really like the concept. Please see my comments below. Dear.... Rosa has to run, her life depends on it. Another life now depends on her too: The one growing inside her. [The first sentence is a run-on, which immediately puts me off. The second sentence is also a little awkward. I personally like...
- September 25th, 2012, 10:06 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
- Replies: 9
- Views: 5787
Re: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
klbritt, thanks for the feedback. I'm working on the rewrite now.
- September 23rd, 2012, 4:07 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
- Replies: 9
- Views: 5787
Re: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
midenianscholar and Nicole R, thank you for the feedback!
- September 18th, 2012, 12:00 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
- Replies: 9
- Views: 5787
Re: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
Shipple, thank you for the advice. I'll think about your critiques and rework the query. I appreciate the help!
- September 8th, 2012, 9:51 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Untitled Query - YA Fantasy (REWRITTEN 9/8/12)
- Replies: 9
- Views: 5354
Re: Untitled Query - YA Fantasy (REWRITTEN 9/8/12)
[I like the rewrite a lot. It cuts out some detail and becomes sharper and more compelling. Please see my comments in blue, deletions in red, additions in green.] Dear:______ [Opening hello sentence to personalize letter] All Jessalyn Caradine wanted was to be an ordinary. Jessa wants to be ordinar...
- September 8th, 2012, 9:15 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
- Replies: 9
- Views: 5787
YA fantasy: Liar's Light
Thank you all in advance for your help! Dear AGENT, After [some connection to agent], I am submitting a query for my young adult fantasy novel, LIAR’S LIGHT, complete at 81,000 words. Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. When she does talk, she lies, especially about h...
- September 7th, 2012, 6:23 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revised Query for THE FINAL CLUE
- Replies: 16
- Views: 9273
Re: Revised Query for THE FINAL CLUE
Comments in blue, deletions in red, additions in green: Police officer Gina Russo and her fellow officers at the crime scene believed the person responsible for shooting at her was William Nicholas Mancuso, who was incinerated in the explosion triggered when she fired back in self-defense. They wer...
- September 7th, 2012, 5:48 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: Commercial Novel
- Replies: 6
- Views: 5363
Re: Query: Commercial Novel
Good concept, Plebeian. Falls Apart has already done a nice rewrite, so I'll start there. Before his eighteenth birthday, Aayush's family already considers him an academic failure. In hopes of transferring to a top U.S. school, he joins a twinning engineering course [program?] in Manipal. [You coul...
- September 7th, 2012, 5:15 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Recurrent Universe
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2297
Re: Recurrent Universe
Me again. My first thought is that this query has changed a lot! I feel like I've learned a lot about your book, but the plot seems very different. In the first, Bek seemed like a troublemaker crashing into the recurrent universe of four close friends/soldiers. In the second, Taj seems like the tro...
- September 5th, 2012, 8:36 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Please help with Query. Thanks!
- Replies: 2
- Views: 1907
Re: Please help with Query. Thanks!
[I've only worked with queries for novels, so please forgive me if I contradict well-known script query rules. Here are my generic comments. I broke up the paragraphs to make it easier to read.] Dear SOMEONE, I am a New York screenwriter who has recently completed a feature length dramatic screenpl...
- August 19th, 2012, 10:18 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN
- Replies: 2
- Views: 1953
Re: YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN
My biggest problem is similar to LurkingVirologist's: the main character sounds whiney. You want a unique voice, but you don't want to annoy the reader. What else is Ava besides obviously frustrated? Is she girly, outgoing, goth, unpopular, intelligent, etc? My biggest question is that I don't have...
- August 19th, 2012, 9:29 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Recurrent Universe
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2297
Re: Recurrent Universe
Please see my comments below in blue. Dear Ms. Agent, In Afghanistan 1998, four soldiers are stationed at a checkpoint near Taloqan, a city in the hands of the Anti-Taliban Resistance Army. They live in a small recurrent universe of their own, having cut their connections to the rest of the world. ...
- August 19th, 2012, 8:56 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)
- Replies: 5
- Views: 4165
Re: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)
This is excellent. I really like the changes you've made, filling in the gaps and providing just enough detail and intrigue. A few small comments are below. barnacle-covered humpback. Keep "whale" or make it "humpback whale" so you don't confuse anyone. I was teasing earlier abo...
- August 14th, 2012, 8:43 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)
- Replies: 5
- Views: 4165
Re: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)
Good comments offered above. Here are a few additions. Dear [AGENT], Mermaids do not exist. No one knows that better than Gene, who's scrounging out a living on the flooded future Earth with salvage and smuggling jobs. [I love the word "scrounge", but I don't think "out" is righ...
- August 14th, 2012, 8:17 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revised-YA Fantasy THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE
- Replies: 10
- Views: 5788
Re: Revised-YA Fantasy THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE
The story sounds very exciting. Your main goal should be differentiating it from other books and also adding more plot, less backstory, to the query. A kingdom united, equality among races-Prince Agmund’s dreams for the future, but an unidentified sorcerer pictures something else, and his vision do...