Search found 15 matches

by kelseyebeach
September 30th, 2012, 12:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised Query The Woodlands
Replies: 2
Views: 1199

Re: Revised Query The Woodlands

I really like the concept. Please see my comments below. Dear.... Rosa has to run, her life depends on it. Another life now depends on her too: The one growing inside her. [The first sentence is a run-on, which immediately puts me off. The second sentence is also a little awkward. I personally like...
by kelseyebeach
September 25th, 2012, 10:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
Replies: 9
Views: 2952

Re: YA fantasy: Liar's Light

klbritt, thanks for the feedback. I'm working on the rewrite now.
by kelseyebeach
September 23rd, 2012, 4:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
Replies: 9
Views: 2952

Re: YA fantasy: Liar's Light

midenianscholar and Nicole R, thank you for the feedback!
by kelseyebeach
September 18th, 2012, 12:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
Replies: 9
Views: 2952

Re: YA fantasy: Liar's Light

Shipple, thank you for the advice. I'll think about your critiques and rework the query. I appreciate the help!
by kelseyebeach
September 8th, 2012, 9:51 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Untitled Query - YA Fantasy (REWRITTEN 9/8/12)
Replies: 9
Views: 3164

Re: Untitled Query - YA Fantasy (REWRITTEN 9/8/12)

[I like the rewrite a lot. It cuts out some detail and becomes sharper and more compelling. Please see my comments in blue, deletions in red, additions in green.] Dear:______ [Opening hello sentence to personalize letter] All Jessalyn Caradine wanted was to be an ordinary. Jessa wants to be ordinar...
by kelseyebeach
September 8th, 2012, 9:15 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA fantasy: Liar's Light
Replies: 9
Views: 2952

YA fantasy: Liar's Light

Thank you all in advance for your help! Dear AGENT, After [some connection to agent], I am submitting a query for my young adult fantasy novel, LIAR’S LIGHT, complete at 81,000 words. Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. When she does talk, she lies, especially about h...
by kelseyebeach
September 7th, 2012, 6:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised Query for THE FINAL CLUE
Replies: 16
Views: 4833

Re: Revised Query for THE FINAL CLUE

Comments in blue, deletions in red, additions in green: Police officer Gina Russo and her fellow officers at the crime scene believed the person responsible for shooting at her was William Nicholas Mancuso, who was incinerated in the explosion triggered when she fired back in self-defense. They wer...
by kelseyebeach
September 7th, 2012, 5:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Commercial Novel
Replies: 6
Views: 3330

Re: Query: Commercial Novel

Good concept, Plebeian. Falls Apart has already done a nice rewrite, so I'll start there. Before his eighteenth birthday, Aayush's family already considers him an academic failure. In hopes of transferring to a top U.S. school, he joins a twinning engineering course [program?] in Manipal. [You coul...
by kelseyebeach
September 7th, 2012, 5:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Recurrent Universe
Replies: 3
Views: 1117

Re: Recurrent Universe

Me again. My first thought is that this query has changed a lot! I feel like I've learned a lot about your book, but the plot seems very different. In the first, Bek seemed like a troublemaker crashing into the recurrent universe of four close friends/soldiers. In the second, Taj seems like the tro...
by kelseyebeach
September 5th, 2012, 8:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Please help with Query. Thanks!
Replies: 2
Views: 916

Re: Please help with Query. Thanks!

[I've only worked with queries for novels, so please forgive me if I contradict well-known script query rules. Here are my generic comments. I broke up the paragraphs to make it easier to read.] Dear SOMEONE, I am a New York screenwriter who has recently completed a feature length dramatic screenpl...
by kelseyebeach
August 19th, 2012, 10:18 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN
Replies: 2
Views: 944

Re: YA Paranormal: KEY OF EDEN

My biggest problem is similar to LurkingVirologist's: the main character sounds whiney. You want a unique voice, but you don't want to annoy the reader. What else is Ava besides obviously frustrated? Is she girly, outgoing, goth, unpopular, intelligent, etc? My biggest question is that I don't have...
by kelseyebeach
August 19th, 2012, 9:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Recurrent Universe
Replies: 3
Views: 1117

Re: Recurrent Universe

Please see my comments below in blue. Dear Ms. Agent, In Afghanistan 1998, four soldiers are stationed at a checkpoint near Taloqan, a city in the hands of the Anti-Taliban Resistance Army. They live in a small recurrent universe of their own, having cut their connections to the rest of the world. ...
by kelseyebeach
August 19th, 2012, 8:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)
Replies: 5
Views: 2648

Re: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)

This is excellent. I really like the changes you've made, filling in the gaps and providing just enough detail and intrigue. A few small comments are below. barnacle-covered humpback. Keep "whale" or make it "humpback whale" so you don't confuse anyone. I was teasing earlier about saying I thought ...
by kelseyebeach
August 14th, 2012, 8:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)
Replies: 5
Views: 2648

Re: Merm-8 (sci-fi/fantasy)

Good comments offered above. Here are a few additions. Dear [AGENT], Mermaids do not exist. No one knows that better than Gene, who's scrounging out a living on the flooded future Earth with salvage and smuggling jobs. [I love the word "scrounge", but I don't think "out" is right. Generally you scr...
by kelseyebeach
August 14th, 2012, 8:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised-YA Fantasy THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE
Replies: 10
Views: 3353

Re: Revised-YA Fantasy THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE

The story sounds very exciting. Your main goal should be differentiating it from other books and also adding more plot, less backstory, to the query. A kingdom united, equality among races-Prince Agmund’s dreams for the future, but an unidentified sorcerer pictures something else, and his vision do...