Search found 19 matches

by hagenpiper
July 24th, 2012, 4:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Her gods damned him. Her laws consigned him to the slum. Her bounty hunters left his body riddled with scars. Her patrolmen had broken his nose so often it could no longer break. And her people cheered while his sister burned, screaming his name, Neeku. Tomorrow, the queen's daughter gets married. B...
by hagenpiper
July 24th, 2012, 10:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

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by hagenpiper
July 24th, 2012, 9:19 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Remnant: revised query
Replies: 7
Views: 1598

Re: The Remnant: revised query

Here's my latest version of the query letter. I thought I would start a new topic so readers will not have to go through all my earlier drafts. Thanks to RStearns, Cheeky, Lurking, Mark, and Hagen for their comments. Overcome by a sense of the divine, Hoffman College student Jimmy Naylor steps out ...
by hagenpiper
July 24th, 2012, 9:12 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG Query: Under Sentinel Guard
Replies: 11
Views: 3339

Re: MG Query: Under Sentinel Guard

Ordinary thirteen-year-old Eric Ortega wakes up surrounded by hospital equipment and covered with a flowered quilt. Before he can figure out what’s going on, a centaur clip-clops in and introduces himself as Eric’s healer. Next, his sister is telling him that he’s been sick, and she married a guy w...
by hagenpiper
July 22nd, 2012, 10:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY (REVISED) - New Version @ Post 8
Replies: 8
Views: 3028

Re: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY

The problem with inner demons is they're always trying to gnaw their way out. (I like it.) Lily, a foul-mouthed Gilman Steet gutter-punk, didn't think her life mattered to anyone, least of all her - until the morning she woke up cold, dead, and alone. Haunted by a presence that invokes fear or revu...
by hagenpiper
July 22nd, 2012, 7:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Neeku never thought he would live to see twenty-three. Though his splotchy, cuttlefish skin makes stealing easy, his mushroom city is brimming with bounty hunters, all looking for color-changing Sneaks like him. Waking up one day, he finds his twin missing. Bounty hunters. Panicking, he hurries to s...
by hagenpiper
July 21st, 2012, 9:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

178 words: Neeku never thought he would live to see twenty-three. Though his splotchy, cuttlefish skin makes stealing easy, his mushroom city is brimming with bounty hunters, all looking for color-changing Sneaks like him. Waking up one day, he finds his twin is missing. Bounty hunters. Panicking, h...
by hagenpiper
July 19th, 2012, 5:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

How about this: Neeku lives in a city built atop giant mushrooms. He’s no ordinary fungaloid, the spore from which his spirit came cursed him with splotchy skin that changes colors like a cuttlefish. The spots are considered shameful, and at age six, Neeku and his twin are abandoned in the slum, lef...
by hagenpiper
July 19th, 2012, 1:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Much better. I don't think so. I think it's dreadfully boring. How about this: Neeku is a fungaloid living in a city built atop giant mushrooms. He’s no ordinary fungaloid, the spore from which his spirit was drawn cursed him with splotchy skin that changes colors like a cuttlefish, allowing him to...
by hagenpiper
July 19th, 2012, 12:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Thanks for having a look at this! [quote="elbowpatch"] Hagen, > Who is Traju and why is his dagger important? I always think that if you can't figure out a book's title from its query there's a problem with either the title or the query. Traju's dagger is the symbol around which the story's theme de...
by hagenpiper
July 19th, 2012, 12:21 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

-I like the paragraph beginning "reflecting" -the novel seems way too long. Any chance you could make two novels out of it? -I think you have too much detail in this query. Seems confusing for the reader. Could try having less information but explaining that info better? Also you might try mentioni...
by hagenpiper
July 18th, 2012, 10:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

The capture and public execution of Neeku’s beloved twin couldn’t have come at a better time. A good omen. Or so the queen said on the eve of her daughter’s wedding. What better way to thank the gods than by reining in the thieving abominations that mock them? A thief, yes. An abomination, true – li...
by hagenpiper
July 18th, 2012, 6:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Remnant: revised
Replies: 12
Views: 2484

Re: Query: The Remnant: revised

Thanks to everyone for slapping me around a bit. I need it. Here's the revised version with less flab and more explicit stakes. I'm not sure about the last sentence. Overcome by a sense of the divine, Hoffman College student Jimmy Naylor steps out of the shower. Oblivious to his lack of clothes, Na...
by hagenpiper
July 18th, 2012, 10:24 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Sacrificial Kingdom - Epic Fantasy
Replies: 4
Views: 4398

Re: Sacrificial Kingdom - Epic Fantasy

Hey, This the opening to the last thing I wrote before, well, I got a little lost I guess....=0) Really I'm just after some feedback on the writing at the moment. I lean toward verbosity and purple prose and just wondered if it's either getting in the way or adequate enough to suffice? Is the voice...
by hagenpiper
July 18th, 2012, 8:30 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands
Replies: 8
Views: 1570

Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

I'm no expert, but I'll have a crack at this. I am currently seeking representation (<-- You can cut that - it's pretty much implied.) for THE WOODLANDS, my completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 82,500 words. The target age range is 13-18 years. (<-- Personally, I'd put all this info ...