Search found 17 matches

by niklee90
September 3rd, 2012, 9:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Newest revision! Ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves is the freak with the iron jaw--thanks to the gods of Olympus. When the Olympians order a draft to aid their forces in the war outside Atlantis, Father binds the iron to Ion’s skin with magic, without an explanation, and moments before the guards appear a...
by niklee90
August 29th, 2012, 11:48 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 120293

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear Mr. Bransford: Dear Agent: For six months now, the only thing stranger than ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves’s freckles has been his jaw of iron. It’s heavy, cold, and the only use it seems to have is attracting unwanted attention. Father never explained why he magically attached it. He was drafted ...
by niklee90
August 29th, 2012, 11:41 pm
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: Beta partners needed for a completed, polished YA Fantasy
Replies: 3
Views: 3063

Re: Beta partners needed for a completed, polished YA Fantasy

Would love to swap a few pages and see if we're a fit for CP's. I've written a 75,000 word MG manuscript about a boy's uncertain journey into godhood.

Looking forward to a reply,
Nik
by niklee90
August 27th, 2012, 8:54 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Well, post #13 was the latest revision, but the manuscript is all "done". Cept a few nit-picks I'll run through. Would you like to take a look? Always open for some beta readers!

Nik
by niklee90
August 27th, 2012, 6:30 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Aww thanks Lindsay, but that wasn't my latest version :(
by niklee90
August 27th, 2012, 2:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Alright, so I've finished my revisions to my manuscript, so now it's time to really focus on this query letter. Here's my latest draft if anyone wants at it :) Dear Ms. Agent: For six months now, ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves has lived with a jaw of iron. It’s heavy, and cold, and the only use it seem...
by niklee90
August 4th, 2012, 2:37 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

haha thanks for the look suef, but my newest draft was on page two :) It includes a lot of what you're talking about, especially including what happens in the first 20 pages.
by niklee90
August 2nd, 2012, 12:58 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Made it a tad more mature -- I think I'm getting there :) Dear Ms. Agent: For six months now, ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves has lived with a jaw of iron. It’s heavy, and cold, and everyone on Atlantis stares when he walks by. Worse yet, Father was the one who attached it to him, right before the Detai...
by niklee90
August 1st, 2012, 7:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Yeah, next step is to get down to the voice. The manuscript is humorous, but mainly serious, so I think I'll need to go more mysterious/ominous in the query. I'd prefer it that way, except it's an MG manuscript, and petulance is often favored in that arena. Decisions, Decisions...
by niklee90
August 1st, 2012, 4:17 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

After a bit of a vacation, I've returned to my query (throws confetti). I'm working on a new draft after sending out a few and coming up empty-handed. Here's the newest version. It's a bit rough, but I'm focusing more on the book's selling point: Ion's jaw. Have at it :) Dear Ms. Agent: For six mont...
by niklee90
July 16th, 2012, 3:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Reworked a few things. I think I got the macaroons joke back? No? Yes? The jaw part is going to be incredibly complicated to explain; I'll either have to base the entire query off it, or leave it out completely and let the agent wonder, which could be good or bad. Not sure about the ending--will def...
by niklee90
July 15th, 2012, 9:51 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

*Sighs, exhausted. Here's the newest draft. I think I'm gonna let it sit for a bit, but I'll be taking any advice in the meantime :) Dear Ms. Agent: Ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves dreams of the days before the Draft, when his mother was still alive and his father wasn’t forced to fight in some stupid w...
by niklee90
July 15th, 2012, 2:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Thanks for the idea, elbowpatch. Glad you had a problem with that, because I did too haha So after some great advice, here's my newest revision. It's a tad longer than I'd like, but I believe I've managed to explain what I couldn't before. A long query isn't horrible, though--so long as it's an inte...
by niklee90
July 14th, 2012, 3:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7061

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Thanks for the critiques! Lots of options to think about now haha The Draft was basically conscription, where an entire race of the island was drafted into this war outside Atlantis, so Ion's father and sister are off fighting in it out of forced service, which is why I refer to Ion "freeing" his fa...
by niklee90
July 14th, 2012, 4:37 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2971

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME

I think, if you'd like to improve the flow of the query, perhaps you should look at all the names you've dropped on the agent in only a few paragraphs. Mentioning all of these names brings me out of the MC's head/world, and I want to get to him/her/it first. And that's not just me--I've seen many po...