Search found 24 matches

by elbowpatch
August 3rd, 2012, 12:43 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Queries make this aussie girl feel stupid.
Replies: 18
Views: 5543

Re: Queries make this aussie girl feel stupid.

Congrats and good luck.
by elbowpatch
August 1st, 2012, 5:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7058

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

I like the emphasis on the jaw. Not sure I like the phrase decidedly the worst, sounds petulant and not particularly descriptive. There may be some issue with tone as well. I guess you're trying to keep it a bit cheeky, which works well with the macaroons and wartiest, but not necessarily with blink...
by elbowpatch
July 30th, 2012, 12:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Queries make this aussie girl feel stupid.
Replies: 18
Views: 5543

Re: Queries make this aussie girl feel stupid.

Lauren, I'm definitely not your audience, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. In general I like your premise, but I think that trumpeting the relationship at the expense of the dystopian aspects of your novel doesn't serve you well. Another go..... What do you do when you’ve been forced t...
by elbowpatch
July 26th, 2012, 9:56 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Remnant: revised query
Replies: 7
Views: 1598

Re: The Remnant: revised query

Thanks for the advice.
by elbowpatch
July 20th, 2012, 8:28 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY (REVISED) - New Version @ Post 8
Replies: 8
Views: 3028

Re: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY

Thanks for all your help with mine. There's some good stuff here, but see my comments below. So I'm almost done editing my WiP, and a bit stuck on my query. Before I contaminate the jury pool, as it were, by explaining what I think my problems are, I was hoping to get a first impression on what I've...
by elbowpatch
July 20th, 2012, 8:09 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Remnant: revised query
Replies: 7
Views: 1598

The Remnant: revised query

Here's my latest version of the query letter. I thought I would start a new topic so readers will not have to go through all my earlier drafts. Thanks to RStearns, Cheeky, Lurking, Mark, and Hagen for their comments. Overcome by a sense of the divine, Hoffman College student Jimmy Naylor steps out o...
by elbowpatch
July 20th, 2012, 7:57 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

For what it's worth I agree with Elsinora with the caveat that the following sentences of yours (or similar ones which convey the same information) should be in the Query. Neeku is a fungaloid living in a city built atop giant mushrooms. He’s no ordinary fungaloid, the spore from which his spirit wa...
by elbowpatch
July 19th, 2012, 1:27 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Much better.
by elbowpatch
July 19th, 2012, 10:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4586

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

Hagen, Thanks for all your help with my query. Here's some general questions and then I will get to the nitty gritty. Who is Traju and why is his dagger important? I always think that if you can't figure out a book's title from its query there's a problem with either the title or the query. Fungalo...
by elbowpatch
July 18th, 2012, 4:08 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Remnant: revised
Replies: 12
Views: 2483

Re: Query: The Remnant: revised

Thanks to everyone for slapping me around a bit. I need it. Here's the revised version with less flab and more explicit stakes. I'm not sure about the last sentence. Overcome by a sense of the divine, Hoffman College student Jimmy Naylor steps out of the shower. Oblivious to his lack of clothes, Nay...
by elbowpatch
July 17th, 2012, 8:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Remnant: revised
Replies: 12
Views: 2483

Re: Query: The Remnant: revised

Thanks Hagen, I see your point, but my main trouble is that I don't have a main character, I have an ensemble cast and my action occurs in the 1530s and the 2000s, so I could describe the story from the perspective of Ben Israel or the Portly Man, or the student who gets recruited by the Remnant, bu...
by elbowpatch
July 17th, 2012, 11:06 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: YA or MG? BOOK I OF THE SIGHT
Replies: 24
Views: 4944

Re: QUERY: YA or MG? BOOK I OF THE SIGHT

I like it as well, but can I suggest some small stylistic changes. QUERY: When fourteen-year-old Katie takes a test, she expects to ace it, but when everyone else bombs a bio pop quiz, she discovers she’s not just smart—she’s psychic. This sentence seems to do too much, May I suggest a series of sho...
by elbowpatch
July 15th, 2012, 3:59 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7058

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

Like it, though I'm still trying to figure out why Ion has an iron jaw...

Can I suggest a rewrite of the last sentence:
But all spirits work for one being, who imprisoned deep beneath the academy cares only to free himself.
by elbowpatch
July 15th, 2012, 11:23 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE
Replies: 24
Views: 7058

Re: Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

I like your diction especially wartiest and macaroons Your title is also catchy, is there any way you can fit an explanation of it into the query? I wonder if you might explain how someone can just become a god. Is your book working within standard Greek mythology tropes? If so, then the only way Io...
by elbowpatch
July 15th, 2012, 10:44 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Remnant: revised
Replies: 12
Views: 2483

Re: Query: The Remnant

Thanks Cheeky, Mark, Lurking, and R, Here's the revised version: Overcome by a sense of the divine, Hoffman college student Jimmy Naylor steps out of the shower. Oblivious to the fact that he is naked and dripping, Naylor climbs to the roof of his Strasbourg hotel and shouts prophecies at the touris...