Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I completely agree with QueenViv (especially on the part that Query letters are torture) but I feel she has very good points on your QL. Besides cleaning it up, I would also add a great opening hook line. Something like: “Rory’s has a gift, which is also her burden. Her dreams come true.” Something ...

It’s just my opinion and I struggle with these as well, but I would start out with the story. Immediately start with the action to hook them then go into how you read their blog. It’s like when I flip over a book to read the backcover and if it doesn’t grab me right away or goes into stuff about the...

Now, look how your query turns out: Dear [Agent name], I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in [genre], and because you [personalized tidbit about agent]. [protagonist name] is a [description of protagonist] living in [setting]. But when [complicating incident], [protagonist nam...

I agree with the advice so far that there was to much backstory, but I liked the first line of your 1st QL. You need something that brings the reader in immediately. Jump right into the action/conflict. You want the reader to WANT more…a tease…enough that they want to know more about this world and ...

Good luck! The revisions you’ve done on your QL are good. It would make me want to ask to see more.