Search found 13 matches
- November 20th, 2012, 11:49 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller
- Replies: 5
- Views: 5050
Re: MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller
Thanks for the feedback Nicole. Below is a revision for you, or anyone else, to take a look at if you'd like. Thanks again! Dear [Agent], Nine-year-old Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometimes real—at a pair of overturned peach crates in her parents’ garage. The fake fortunes brin...
- November 19th, 2012, 12:37 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller
- Replies: 5
- Views: 5050
MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller
Hi everyone, I received some great feedback from you all on my previous project. Several agents are looking at it now, so thanks! In the meantime, I finished another manuscript. Anyone care to weigh in on the query? Thank you. J Dear [Agent] Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometime...
- July 10th, 2012, 9:39 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Lurking V - thanks for the feedback! I think I may have solved the issue with the flat middle line in the last paragraph. I tweaked the wording and moved it up to the bottom of the second paragraph. I think it works better. Interested to know what you think. Thanks! J Fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath...
- July 5th, 2012, 12:07 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Thanks for the kind words and advice Sally. I've incorporated some revisions. Please let me know what you think! Fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath doesn't regret trying to steal the treasure from the castle; it’s getting caught that has her considering a career change – preferably before her execution...
- July 3rd, 2012, 12:30 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Revised once more. Anyone care to offer some more feedback? Thanks! Dear [Agent]: Teenage pirate Lesath's first-ever mission is about to become her last, especially if Sir Reginald is serious about that whole execution thing. Still, she doesn't regret trying to steal the treasure from Castle Vallent...
- May 23rd, 2012, 9:43 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED
GaoYuQing - thanks for the feedback. It was very helpful. I've revised again, taking your comments into consideration. I would love to hear what you all think. Thanks! When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath gets locked in the castle dungeon by Sir Reginald, her first-ever mission could become her last...
- April 14th, 2012, 1:34 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner
- Replies: 3
- Views: 3080
Re: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner
Sounds like a good story, but I'd pay attention to grammar, as others mentioned, and you chronology. I've pointed at a few instances below. In the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their bel...
- April 14th, 2012, 12:32 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY
- Replies: 6
- Views: 3096
Re: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY
Hi, I'm no query expert, but this is what I thought... Thank you so much for your advice! It's been incredibly helpful. I've taken your suggestions to make a rerevised query: Taq Locke dreams of revolution, but a tracking device keeps her an unwilling government assassin , forced to crush any moveme...
- April 14th, 2012, 12:18 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: SPURNED - children's fantasy novel
- Replies: 14
- Views: 6645
Re: SPURNED - children's fantasy novel
I really like this. I think you did a great job conveying the tone of your novel. Really good humor. Here are some thoughts I had going through... Every family has a secret. [I'd probably get rid of this. Seems a like a bit of cliched phrase, and your next line jumps nicely right into your story.] W...
- April 12th, 2012, 9:05 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta
Okay, I took a stab at rewriting. I think this is much clearer and more direct, so thanks again very much for your help, KyleS and midenianscholar. Any additional feedback (from anyone and everyone) is appreciated. Here's what I have now... Dear [Agent]: When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath gets loc...
- April 10th, 2012, 8:58 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta
Wow, thank you both very much for your helpful suggestions. It's nice to have fresh eyes read your work. Off to edit...
- April 1st, 2012, 2:50 pm
- Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
- Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
- Replies: 213
- Views: 184300
Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Dear. Mr. Bransford, When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath gets locked in the castle dungeon by Sir Reginald, her first-ever mission could become her last. But if she can escape, she might come away with something more valuable than the treasure she was trying to steal. Lesath convinces castle reside...
- April 1st, 2012, 2:09 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5875
MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Hi, Just joined and looking forward to providing and receiving some query feedback. This query has gotten me some, but not a ton, of interest from agents. Anyone care to give some honest feedback? I appreciate it. J Dear [Agent]: When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath’s first mission gets her locked i...