Search found 13 matches

by jaktt12
November 20th, 2012, 11:49 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller
Replies: 5
Views: 3046

Re: MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller

Thanks for the feedback Nicole. Below is a revision for you, or anyone else, to take a look at if you'd like. Thanks again! Dear [Agent], Nine-year-old Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometimes real—at a pair of overturned peach crates in her parents’ garage. The fake fortunes brin...
by jaktt12
November 19th, 2012, 12:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller
Replies: 5
Views: 3046

MG - Liza Marie Rumpleton: Real Fake Fortune Teller

Hi everyone, I received some great feedback from you all on my previous project. Several agents are looking at it now, so thanks! In the meantime, I finished another manuscript. Anyone care to weigh in on the query? Thank you. J Dear [Agent] Liza Marie Rumpleton tells fortunes—usually fake, sometime...
by jaktt12
July 10th, 2012, 9:39 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME

Lurking V - thanks for the feedback! I think I may have solved the issue with the flat middle line in the last paragraph. I tweaked the wording and moved it up to the bottom of the second paragraph. I think it works better. Interested to know what you think. Thanks! J Fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath...
by jaktt12
July 5th, 2012, 12:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME

Thanks for the kind words and advice Sally. I've incorporated some revisions. Please let me know what you think! Fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath doesn't regret trying to steal the treasure from the castle; it’s getting caught that has her considering a career change – preferably before her execution...
by jaktt12
July 3rd, 2012, 12:30 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME

Revised once more. Anyone care to offer some more feedback? Thanks! Dear [Agent]: Teenage pirate Lesath's first-ever mission is about to become her last, especially if Sir Reginald is serious about that whole execution thing. Still, she doesn't regret trying to steal the treasure from Castle Vallent...
by jaktt12
May 23rd, 2012, 9:43 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED

GaoYuQing - thanks for the feedback. It was very helpful. I've revised again, taking your comments into consideration. I would love to hear what you all think. Thanks! When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath gets locked in the castle dungeon by Sir Reginald, her first-ever mission could become her last...
by jaktt12
April 14th, 2012, 1:34 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner
Replies: 3
Views: 1747

Re: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner

Sounds like a good story, but I'd pay attention to grammar, as others mentioned, and you chronology. I've pointed at a few instances below. In the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their bel...
by jaktt12
April 14th, 2012, 12:32 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY
Replies: 6
Views: 1362

Re: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Hi, I'm no query expert, but this is what I thought... Thank you so much for your advice! It's been incredibly helpful. I've taken your suggestions to make a rerevised query: Taq Locke dreams of revolution, but a tracking device keeps her an unwilling government assassin , forced to crush any moveme...
by jaktt12
April 14th, 2012, 12:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: SPURNED - children's fantasy novel
Replies: 14
Views: 3554

Re: SPURNED - children's fantasy novel

I really like this. I think you did a great job conveying the tone of your novel. Really good humor. Here are some thoughts I had going through... Every family has a secret. [I'd probably get rid of this. Seems a like a bit of cliched phrase, and your next line jumps nicely right into your story.] W...
by jaktt12
April 12th, 2012, 9:05 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta

Okay, I took a stab at rewriting. I think this is much clearer and more direct, so thanks again very much for your help, KyleS and midenianscholar. Any additional feedback (from anyone and everyone) is appreciated. Here's what I have now... Dear [Agent]: When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath gets loc...
by jaktt12
April 10th, 2012, 8:58 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

Re: MG: Pirate of Vallenta

Wow, thank you both very much for your helpful suggestions. It's nice to have fresh eyes read your work. Off to edit...
by jaktt12
April 1st, 2012, 2:50 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 120256

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear. Mr. Bransford, When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath gets locked in the castle dungeon by Sir Reginald, her first-ever mission could become her last. But if she can escape, she might come away with something more valuable than the treasure she was trying to steal. Lesath convinces castle reside...
by jaktt12
April 1st, 2012, 2:09 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME
Replies: 13
Views: 2970

MG: Pirate of Vallenta - REVISED AGAIN - FEEDBACK WELCOME

Hi, Just joined and looking forward to providing and receiving some query feedback. This query has gotten me some, but not a ton, of interest from agents. Anyone care to give some honest feedback? I appreciate it. J Dear [Agent]: When fourteen-year-old pirate Lesath’s first mission gets her locked i...