Nathan Bransford - The Forums

My first impression is that you are using a lot of unnecessary words and losing the thread of the story. Too much of this query is background and detail, not conflict and action. Try using shorter sentences and check that each sentence has a subject and an action. If not, it is detail that can prob...

Wallflower, Thanks so much for your response. You know, based on your comments, I think that my query has been really missing the mark. It is essentially a story following one family's survival of the approaching zombie apocalypse. Honor leads her family (and no, I will not change the name. It is es...

Much better. Loretta is shining as a character; and boy, she has a little more attitude than I thought at first. Nice! Because Elizabeth is a different person, she thought, wishing she could have told her mother just that. MG readers will really relate to this and it fleshes Loretta out. Now I have ...

Thank you Walker and Quill. Here is my updated version. Is it any better? Two years ago, Honor’s best friend sent her an e-mail warning of a suspected outbreak. He then promptly disappeared. The pandemic creeps across the globe. Infected souls wander through burned out cities. Governments institute ...

Thank you, Walker! it's nice to know I'm not the only newbie. I'm not much for lurking, I always prefer to just dive right in, but it can be a bit intimidating when so many people have been here for years. Honor prepares as the pandemic creeps across the globe. Infected souls wander through burned o...

Thank you, thank you! This makes so much sense. So, if we are down to word choice, I am thinking that means the structure and pacing were good enough to begin with. Yay, me! And yay, you for helping me tighten it up so much! This is my first query letter and I am extremely grateful for your expertis...

First thoughts: This looks like a fun premise. I am already asking questions. I want to know if Loretta's family is as messed up as they sound. What happens to them? Who is this white-washed giantess? What does she want with Loretta? Does Loretta grow out of being a mouse? Is she being called on an ...

This is the first chapter of my novel HONOR: A ZOMBIE TALE. Please rip it to shreds. I am trying to gain some objectivity to really analyze my own voice and my pacing. Also, I have had one reader say I use too much description and it makes it less scary, another reader say that I do not use enough ...

Quill, Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! May I ask for just a bit more of your time? My query is pretty short to begin with (around 250 words total), so can you explain why I need to remove more words? Is the flow wrong? Word choices off-putting? Am I not creating enough tension (you k...

I think you are starting in the wrong place with this query. The first two paragraphs are gratuitous "telling" rather than showing. The third sentence starts the action. There is another Mob that never gets spoken about. Their network spans the US where they quietly make millions through ...

The writing is pithy and believable. I like how you integrate the backstory with the action without going into endless amounts of exposition. The world so far is believable. You do a very good job introducing likeable characters, creating a plausible setting, and establishing the beginnings of a con...

When I read this excerpt, I could not help but think that there was way too much information crammed into a very small space. You are attempting to tell the reader instead of show them who Laurel is. Cut out all the stuff about her hiding her emotions and being shunted around in foster care and stuf...

I am new to this blog and forum. I promise I will be active in posting to others' query drafts if I can get a little feedback here. :D Two years ago, Honor’s best friend sent her an e-mail warning of a suspected outbreak. He then promptly disappeared. Honor prepares as the pandemic creeps across the...

There are several "jokes" in this query that make it sound really unprofessional. I would definitely take out the parts about naming your first born, finding a home for your work, and your self-published creds. Only include the nomination for the award if you were a finalist, honorable men...

The mission is simple: kill the hybrid, end the drought. This is a tagline, not an introduction. I would seriously cut this out or include it at the end. I also think the structure of the query is off. Too many unanswered questions are introduced in the first true paragraph. You start with Ty, but ...