Search found 9 matches

by idanelly
July 18th, 2012, 11:18 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Daxing Daughter of the case of principal of three
Replies: 1
Views: 692

Re: Daxing Daughter of the case of principal of three

Sorry, but I hardly understand this at all. Could you try cutting way down on the amount of information? Like strip it to its essentials, and explain your information better
by idanelly
July 18th, 2012, 11:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)
Replies: 19
Views: 4584

Re: Query: Traju's Dagger (Epic Fantasy)

-I like the paragraph beginning "reflecting" -the novel seems way too long. Any chance you could make two novels out of it? -I think you have too much detail in this query. Seems confusing for the reader. Could try having less information but explaining that info better? Also you might try mentionin...
by idanelly
July 18th, 2012, 11:11 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Wilma's War
Replies: 2
Views: 953

Re: Query: Wilma's War

-sounds good tho' could benefit from some clarification
-what do you mean by "strong"
-the sentence beginning "long tired" needs work. unclear and possibly too long
-you say her life is peaceful though it doesn't seem so from what went before
-I don't understand "renegade" to end of sentence
by idanelly
July 18th, 2012, 11:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised Query for THE FINAL CLUE
Replies: 16
Views: 4938

Re: Revised Query for THE FINAL CLUE

hello cher, sounds interesting -I like your summary sentence at the end though 100,000 wds seems quite long -you use the passive tense several times, e.g. "led to believe." usually better to use active tense if possible -not immediately clear who is now in an FBI agent -too many commas. check in usa...
by idanelly
July 2nd, 2012, 10:59 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: WILD SUNFLOWERS historical women's novel
Replies: 4
Views: 2470

WILD SUNFLOWERS historical women's novel

Any help you could give me on the following query will be much appreciated. Dear xx: WILD SUNFLOWERS is a 75,000 word historical novel set on the South Dakota prairie in the 1940s. On a train platform, Mennonite charity worker Helen Janz meets the dashing red-jacketed Frank Warkentin and falls shoul...
by idanelly
July 2nd, 2012, 10:50 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Pretty Bird of Prey query 1
Replies: 5
Views: 1364

Re: Pretty Bird of Prey query 1

Plot sounds good. you've managed to keep your query nice & short while still appealing to the senses and emotions, not easy to do. Some suggestions: -I wouldn't start by saying she wants to move because later you say she's thinking about moving; it seems contradictory -be much more dramatic about wh...
by idanelly
July 2nd, 2012, 10:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Your Mother Has Cancer A Women's Fiction Novel
Replies: 9
Views: 2005

Re: Your Mother Has Cancer A Women's Fiction Novel

Sounds moving and involving. Some points: -book title should be in capitals without quotation marks. That seems to be the general usage nowadays -you could shorten or omit the sentence beginning "the greatest things" -infidelity to whom? -very important: tell why her mother's cancer diagnoses affect...
by idanelly
July 2nd, 2012, 10:29 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: The Pawn
Replies: 7
Views: 1623

Re: Query: The Pawn

Hello, sounds interesting. A few points: -I think the title of your book should be in capital letters and without quotation marks.That's the usual usage nowadays. -you could omit the sentence beginning "falsely accused" -you use passive tense a lot. activity is usually stronger, should be used whene...
by idanelly
December 19th, 2011, 2:04 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM
Replies: 3
Views: 1433

Re: first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM

I think you're trying to pack too much information in too quickly. One evidence of this is the overuse of adjectives. I'd cut down on them. At the beginning, indicate immediately who speaks. Like give him have an action before he says anything.Don't mix tenses as you do in the sentence containing "w...