Search found 71 matches

by Bron
November 4th, 2011, 9:45 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: The gap between the first draft and the second draft?
Replies: 9
Views: 1730

Re: The gap between the first draft and the second draft?

15-20 days doesn't sound like enough to me, but as writersink said, everyone is different. I also agree with writersink that it sounds like you're rushing yourself so you can give your MS to your girlfriend at Thanksgiving. I think you would be better off waiting and emailing it to your girlfriend. ...
by Bron
April 8th, 2011, 5:24 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King
Replies: 13
Views: 2369

Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

Thank you, Allie, for your comments. Okay, I see what needs to be taken out (that is very consistent) but I feel I need to add something, I just don't know where. Maybe you can help me. David's dad died in a plane crash 3 months before David was born. His mom died within hours after giving birth to...
by Bron
April 7th, 2011, 5:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King
Replies: 13
Views: 2369

Re: Query - In the Shadow of the Dragon King

I thought this was pretty good. Hi guys: I would love some feedback on this query for my YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you so much. Dear Agent’s Name: A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting fif...
by Bron
April 7th, 2011, 8:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - newest version in post 16
Replies: 15
Views: 2823

Re: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - newest version in post 14

I re-read this tonight and made some further changes. They're all pretty minor but I thought I'd post it for comment: Peta Blackman is assisting on a documentary about chocolate when she witnesses the murders of an Ivorian cacao collector and a Parisian chocolatier. The Frenchman’s last words sugges...
by Bron
April 6th, 2011, 5:05 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - newest version in post 16
Replies: 15
Views: 2823

Re: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - final(?) version in post 15

Thanks fishfood, you had some great suggestions. And yes, lots of yummy promotional opps wait on the horizon if only I can get an agent and a publisher! I think this version is ready to go, unless anyone has any more changes? While assisting on a documentary about chocolate, Peta Blackman witnesses ...
by Bron
April 6th, 2011, 8:08 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Forgotten Gods Query (Yikes-- Again!)
Replies: 4
Views: 1368

Re: Forgotten Gods Query (Yikes-- Again!)

This does sound like a good story. Apart from what Allie said though, I noticed that you use the word sidhe a lot. I know the whole story is about them and it's probably hard to avoid but can you think of an alternative, maybe a short descriptor occasionally?
by Bron
April 6th, 2011, 7:54 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY: "I Just Need Some Space" (version 2)
Replies: 5
Views: 964

Re: QUERY: "I Just Need Some Space"

Quill gave some good advice, so I won't repeat what he said, but there's a few extra things I wanted to add. Also, if you're looking for places to get advice, Queryshark is a great start. Agent Janet Reid rips into queries. She also gives people the chance to revise, and it can be very instructive w...
by Bron
April 1st, 2011, 8:41 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - newest version in post 16
Replies: 15
Views: 2823

Re: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - edited version in post 9

Thank you Quill, AllieS and Fishfood for your comments on the previous version. Hopefully this one is better. I loved the phrase "dark side of the sweet treat" but in the spirit of killing your darlings, I've gotten rid of it and I think the first paragraph flows better and gets to the point more qu...
by Bron
April 1st, 2011, 6:29 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Romance Query: COVET *Revision 3 posted (4.5.11)*
Replies: 19
Views: 3611

Re: Romance Query: COVET *Revision 2 on first post*

Overall this is good. I've cut some stuff from the first paragraph because I think you take a bit too long to set up a simple concept: Lucas is a soldier who is loyal to his King and in love with his wife. The real meat of the story begins in the next paragraph. Thanks for all your help! REVISION #2...
by Bron
April 1st, 2011, 5:55 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: YA Urban Fantasy Query
Replies: 21
Views: 3287

Re: NEW REVISION: YA Urban Fantasy Query

I think the new query is mostly better, except for when you say 'When the Kedoas are in real trouble'. I prefer the specifics offered in the earlier version: Hugh was kidnapped as bait for his father. I also don't think you need the sentence 'Like how someone else in town might know the Kedoas' true...
by Bron
March 30th, 2011, 11:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Touch of Madness
Replies: 19
Views: 2620

Re: A Touch of Madness

I prefer Query 1. And I know what you're going through with the frustration. You could send a couple of queries out now and see what sort of response you get. By the time you get replies, or write them off as not interested, you should be fresh enough to revise if needed. Just a suggestion though.
by Bron
March 30th, 2011, 5:32 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Touch of Madness
Replies: 19
Views: 2620

Re: A Touch of Madness

Deciding how much detail to include while being enticing, but not overwhelming or too vague, is the biggest challenge in writing a query, and I think it's one most of us have struggled with. I think this newest version is your best yet, and strikes an improved balance between too much detail and not...
by Bron
March 21st, 2011, 6:51 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Touch of Madness
Replies: 19
Views: 2620

Re: A Touch of Madness

I should mention though that I really like your concept and think it would be an interesting one to explore in a novel. How would someone react to not being able to touch anyone, ever?
by Bron
March 21st, 2011, 6:44 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Touch of Madness
Replies: 19
Views: 2620

Re: A Touch of Madness

I think this new attempt is a bit vague. We don't know who injected her or why, and while I like that you mention the brother, we don't know what Gliane does nor what she is saving her brother from. I think you should keep the basic structure of the second query, since it seems like that cuts more t...
by Bron
March 21st, 2011, 4:52 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy - newest version in post 16
Replies: 15
Views: 2823

Re: Query - The Cacao Conspiracy

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I've drafted a new version based on your comments and have answered some questions below. Hopefully this new version is better - please let me know what you think! And if you have a query you want critiqued, let me know via PM and I'll make sure to drop by. When Pe...