Nathan Bransford - The Forums

This one reads much better. Gene got himself a mermaid. He didn't want her(, of course. - I'd take this out) but the damn thing swam up his ship's vent while he was trying to avoid the mafia he owes a debt to. This sentence doesn't flow right to me. Does it really matter that he was trying to avoid ...

I agree with all of Walker's comments. The only thing I add would is 130,000 words is really long for this genre. Most agents won't look at anything over 95,000. Suggest cutting a little to make it more marketable.

Good luck!

Tried to add a bit of color and sharpen the main plot. Dear Agent: Seventeen-year-old Ally Ashworth prefers combat boots to heels, Mozart over metal and one friend to being Miss Popular. She’s definitely not Society’s Bitch but being an outsider is about to take on a whole new meaning. When pushed o...

Here we go again. One more time (I hope!) Dear Agent: When seventeen-year-old Ally Ashworth is forced through a passage and winds up in another world, she has no idea she’s delivering a key that could unleash a demon and ignite the next world war. She’s been brought here by Cepheus, a dark god whose...

Here we go again. One more time (I hope!) Dear Agent: When seventeen-year-old Ally Ashworth is forced through a passage and winds up in another world, she has no idea she’s delivering a key that could unleash a demon and ignite the next world war. She’s been brought here by Cepheus, a dark god whose...

Thanks for the feedback. Revised, yet again. When seventeen-year-old Ally Ashworth is forced through a passage and winds up in another world, she has no idea she’s delivering a key that could unleash a demon and ignite the next world war. She’s been brought by here Cepheus, a dark god whose intent i...

Okay. Please keep the criticisms coming...and, as always, thanks! When seventeen-year-old Ally Ashworth is forced through a passage and winds up in another world, she has no idea she’s delivering a key that could unleash a demon and ignite the next world war. She’s been brought by here Cepheus, a da...

Hope I'm getting closer. This process has really been more painful that actually writing the book. I can't thank you enough for helping me with this. Here goes.... Seventeen year old Ally Ashworth prefers combat boots to stilettos, Mozart over metal and prides herself on taking control of her own de...

Revised based on the amazing feedback I received. Here I go again! Would appreciate any comments and criticisms. And, as always, thanks! What if our world does not exist alone? Double Star is the story of a girl whose idea of home becomes lost to the stars, her struggle to cope with the changes arou...

Here's the revised query. I think (I hope) I'm getting closer! Seventeen year old Ally Ashworth prefers combat boots to stilettos, Mozart over metal and would take David Garrett over The Situation, any day. She’s learned through the death of her father that stories don’t always have happy endings. A...

Really great feeback! Thank you very,very much. I knew there was something wrong just couldn't figure out what is was. If I rework, would you consider providing your wonderful insight again?

Dear All: Really need some feedback on my query and would appreciate anything you have to offer! Dear Agent: It’s about to be the best day of Ally Ashworth’s life—or the worst. If she doesn’t get a violin scholarship, she can kiss attending the University of Arizona goodbye but, on the way to the in...