Search found 21 matches

by bighockeyhair
January 5th, 2012, 10:12 am
Forum: Connect With a Critique Partner
Topic: Need a beta reader for my new horror thriller
Replies: 0
Views: 830

Need a beta reader for my new horror thriller

Hi, I'm looking for some beta readers for my new 75,000 word horror thriller (tentatively titled) Nocturnal. I threw together a blurb to give you an idea what the story's about. Horrific nightmares have kept Tyson Barrett awake for over six months and his life is slowly coming apart at the seams. Wh...
by bighockeyhair
June 13th, 2011, 10:51 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 4146

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)

Note of caution: A lot of editing is experimenting. Most changes lead to dead ends, but sometimes tinkering around you can come upon a real winner, so don't erase your original opening just in case this new version doesn't go where you wanted it to. That being said, after reading your latest (exper...
by bighockeyhair
June 12th, 2011, 12:15 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Replies: 14
Views: 4146

Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 5/24)

Hi AllieS, Just thought I'd make one point. Since we're following your MC around without a real clear idea what's going on, it might help if your first sentence is stronger and maybe more intriguing. For example: No one was allowed on the trails now except Sophie. She bent down, squinting through th...
by bighockeyhair
June 8th, 2011, 11:39 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
Replies: 18
Views: 2849

Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16

CURRENT ATTEMPT Ok, I figured what the hell, I might as well post this (last?) one and see if anyone hated it or not. As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. Dear Turbo Agent, 17-year-old Lysander Shore is determined to put an end to the bizarre out-of-body experiences that have plagued him...
by bighockeyhair
June 8th, 2011, 11:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
Replies: 18
Views: 2849

Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #9

Cool! Yeah, I think you're right. I've decided to go back to one very very similar to that. Thanks for taking a look!
by bighockeyhair
June 7th, 2011, 1:58 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller
Replies: 5
Views: 1482

Re: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller

Thanks AllieS and Aurlumen! I've taken your suggestions to heart, incorporated most of them and I can already see the first chapter getting strong and stronger.
by bighockeyhair
June 7th, 2011, 2:24 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Re: Query Help for The Engram Mystery
Replies: 5
Views: 1161

Re: Query Help for The Engram Mystery

I don't think this is ready for a line by line yet. As others have mentioned, this isn't making a lot of sense. I think you may be trying to give us your take on Elmore Leonard or something. I can't tell, either way, it's not working. Your best bet is to go right back to basics. Keep your eye on the...
by bighockeyhair
June 7th, 2011, 2:06 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy LAST POST
Replies: 20
Views: 3475

Re: REDDO, YA Urban Fantasy EDITED 6/5

A writer's query letter, assuming it's even read, will literally buy you on average 5-10 seconds of an agent's time. If the first line doesn't 'hook' their interest then you're toast. If your first line is strange or confusing...you're a flaming piece of toast. So your last paragraph might be 'killi...
by bighockeyhair
June 6th, 2011, 12:42 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*
Replies: 14
Views: 4068

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

This thread may be long dead, but hey, just in case you're still checking in I thought I'd give you my two cents. Also, I haven't looked at other people's feedback so there may or may not be some repetition here. Rajan Singhal got the invitation to die two weeks before he started his junior year at...
by bighockeyhair
June 6th, 2011, 12:14 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: first pages of new book
Replies: 4
Views: 1345

Re: first pages of new book

dito on breaking this up into smaller paragraphs. Also please give us the title and genre of story we're about to read. I did wade about a third of the way in and thought your sentences could be tightened and sharpened, but I won't try a line edit till it's broken up into smaller bits.
by bighockeyhair
June 5th, 2011, 7:43 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page - Help Needed! YA
Replies: 7
Views: 1967

Re: First Page - Help Needed! YA

I'm with AllieS on this one. Our only real sense of menace comes from the MC's hesitation to enter a house. But it comes across as vague and removed and because of that there's no real sense of danger. Only confusion. I'll give you an example: In discussing creating suspense Hitchcock often talked ...
by bighockeyhair
June 5th, 2011, 7:29 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller
Replies: 5
Views: 1482

Re: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller

Great! Thanks so much for taking a look and leaving a comment. I'd worried a bit it was too gory for a YA novel, but we'll see. I also wanted to make sure that if my query letter managed to get an agent's attention that this first chapter would keep them wanting more.
by bighockeyhair
June 4th, 2011, 11:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
Replies: 18
Views: 2849

Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #9

Quil, Allie, Tom...Just wanted to let you know how much you all rock! Like Lysander's OBEs, this query is slowly killing me, but you've all helped so much. Thanks!
by bighockeyhair
June 4th, 2011, 7:23 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #16
Replies: 18
Views: 2849

Re: Query-YA paranormal thriller NEWEST ATTEMPT IN POST #6

NEWEST VERSION Thanks again for all the fabulous feedback. I've decided to change tack here a bit and try a pared down version of the query. There are a lot of moving pieces in my novel and I'm fighting to urge to include it all. Again, any comments on whether this slimmer version is stronger or no...
by bighockeyhair
June 3rd, 2011, 7:17 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller
Replies: 5
Views: 1482

First Chapter CURSED YA paranormal thriller

This is the first chapter of my novel CURSED. Of course this is the one I'll be sending to most agents (whether they like it or not), so I wanted to make sure it was as good as it can be. Any comments (good or bad) are very welcome. As far as formatting, if it looks weird it's because I've tried to...