Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thank you! I like your suggestions, I will work on those bottom sentences.
I am also thinking of using 2nd para as my hook and then rewriting a bit!

We'll go with the fact that I am a mom with a two year old, writing a new book, and trying to query this one with why I posted the wrong one that you critiqued. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

I like your edited version of the 1st. It has voice and shows the conflict and plot.

I like the 2nd one better, definitely. I hear voice, and I know more what the main character is like and what she wants. It could use a bit of shortening, but not too much. Does it fit on one page? If so, disregard my length.
I agree with the poster who said you needed to include genre.

I have read Nathan's posts- that is how I found these forums. You need to be specific about the plot- specific about the right things, like the first poster said. Here's the letter I'm working on right now: Dear M. Agent, Seventeen-year-old Meredith’s life is unraveling one thread at a time. First h...

It is YA
The beginning of the book is very light, focusing on her family. There is of course a silver lining, but from my understanding, we get down to the plot of the story for the query letters and what the main character's conflict is, so that is what I am focusing on for hook.

Thanks I just read that example from Nathan's blog. Story really starts with Meredith and her dad being sick and dying, she's really depressed, and then when she goes to college and meets Kaden, she falls in love with him. A lot of the story is their relationship, with the end showing how Meredith m...

Thanks for all your help- I have my actual query below

I think the first sentence needs to be in there, I like it, but not as the hook. Maybe use your second sentence.

I like the version from Cole.
I also like the second paragraph alot.
Your first sentence doesn't draw me in though.

I like your opening!!

I like the avoiding all his life change

I think changing to visions of the future and taking out nightmares will help too

Otherwise good job.