Search found 125 matches
- August 7th, 2012, 9:28 pm
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First 637 words of my novel, The Phoenix: A Gathering
- Replies: 10
- Views: 8036
Re: First 637 words of my novel, The Phoenix: A Gathering
Hey, Kristie. So I think the main issue with your prologue is that it's all action and description, but you don't ground us. We are given "he," not a sense of who "he" is, what his situation is, where is lives, or where he goes during these 637 words. Without at least glimpses of...
- August 7th, 2012, 12:26 am
- Forum: Excerpts
- Topic: First 400 Words of OF ICE AND ASHES, YA Light Fantasy
- Replies: 4
- Views: 7079
First 400 Words of OF ICE AND ASHES, YA Light Fantasy
Thanks for any comments! I'll be happy to return the favor. First 400 words: Three layers of hand-knit sweaters and my gloves protected my skin. I tweaked the silk over my wrists, ensuring that no portion of my flesh was exposed. “You’re too cautious, honey,” Jolie said. Her soft, clumsy hand came ...
- August 4th, 2012, 6:13 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi
- Replies: 4
- Views: 3333
Re: Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi
Thanks LurkingVirologist and suef! Here's a slightly tweaked version that is hopefully good enough to send out. Let me know what you think! Sixteen-year-old Wren is Tainted. The other survivors of the elemental explosion bear hideous black spider-web scars, but Wren is different. Her skin is pale a...
- August 4th, 2012, 10:45 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revised-YA Fantasy THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE
- Replies: 10
- Views: 5790
Re: Query: THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE: A PROPHESY REVISITED
Looks can be deceiving…even in a kingdom celebrating 100 years of peace between Ordinals (ordinary mortals) and Otherkin races. I think I like this hook, but be wary of starting with "looks can be deceiving." It's generic so I'm worried some agents might not look farther. 12 year-old Princ...
- July 29th, 2012, 1:03 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY (REVISED) - New Version @ Post 8
- Replies: 8
- Views: 5093
Re: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY
Thanks for the great feedback on my query LurkingVirologist! I'll try to add what I can here, but I'm responding without reading the other comments so my opinions aren't influenced. The problem with inner demons is they're always trying to gnaw their way out. I like the next line better for a begin...
- July 26th, 2012, 3:31 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi
- Replies: 4
- Views: 3333
Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi
Hey all! Here's the query for my new manuscript. Not gonna lie, I haven't been able to pin what subgenre of YA it is, so if you have an opinion please let me know. Thanks for all your help! Sixteen-year-old Wren is Tainted. Spider-web black scars mar the other Tainted banished from Cloven, but Wren...
- September 17th, 2011, 3:30 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
- Replies: 24
- Views: 9249
Re: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
Born in a city buried underground buried underground city , twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I ...
- September 17th, 2011, 12:27 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
- Replies: 24
- Views: 9249
Re: REVISED QUERY (post 16) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
Born in a city buried underground, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground Cit...
- September 16th, 2011, 4:35 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: The Following: psychological thriller
- Replies: 5
- Views: 2703
Re: The Following: psychological thriller
Tyson Palmer is a risk taker, and as a young journalist who would do anything to break his first big story, he is about to take the biggest risk of his life. I agree with Emily J. Cut this. When three seemingly unrelated fires within two weeks are ruled to be arson, I like Emily's eager young journ...
- September 15th, 2011, 12:01 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Revised: QUERY: Moonrise, Epic Fantasy
- Replies: 26
- Views: 8155
Re: Revised: QUERY: Moonrise, Epic Fantasy
The Lunar King bargained what does this mean? what kind of bargain? did he sell her? his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin,...
- September 14th, 2011, 11:46 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
- Replies: 24
- Views: 9249
Re: REVISED QUERY (post 16) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
In THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams embarks on a mission to spring the people of the Underground City from the trap set by a reclusive billionaire the night Ethan was born. The next line is a much better beginning. Ethan’s dreame...
- September 14th, 2011, 11:36 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure
- Replies: 15
- Views: 6360
Re: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure
When fourteen-year-old Sarah Whitman’s parents are slaughtered by pirates while en route to her fiancé, she becomes the captive of her family’s murderers. A little wordy. Try condensing it to something like, "When pirates kill (I chose kill since slaughters make me think of a bloodbath, though...
- September 14th, 2011, 3:06 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3728
Re: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
No, I totally agree Ginger. I've tweaked the latest version hoping to show more conflict. Thanks for all your help!
- September 13th, 2011, 7:07 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3728
Re: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
Thank you Matt and Ginger! I'm trying the chop the query word-count even more, so I removed the part about the preserve. I took your comments in mind as I wrote this new query, so I hope it's cleaner than the last! Most Recent Revision Seventeen-year-old Sophie Rowan doesn’t understand why new-boy-...
- September 9th, 2011, 2:37 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure
- Replies: 15
- Views: 6360
Re: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure
When fourteen-year-old Sarah Whitman is captured by pirates while en route to her fiancé , This sounds a little awkward. "Wedding" would sound much better. she can’t help feeling relieved at escaping the arranged marriage. There’s one small problem though – the captain of the Griffin's Son...