Search found 125 matches

by AllieS
August 7th, 2012, 9:28 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 637 words of my novel, The Phoenix: A Gathering
Replies: 10
Views: 5706

Re: First 637 words of my novel, The Phoenix: A Gathering

Hey, Kristie. So I think the main issue with your prologue is that it's all action and description, but you don't ground us. We are given "he," not a sense of who "he" is, what his situation is, where is lives, or where he goes during these 637 words. Without at least glimpses of those facts, a read...
by AllieS
August 7th, 2012, 12:26 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 400 Words of OF ICE AND ASHES, YA Light Fantasy
Replies: 4
Views: 3898

First 400 Words of OF ICE AND ASHES, YA Light Fantasy

Thanks for any comments! I'll be happy to return the favor. First 400 words: Three layers of hand-knit sweaters and my gloves protected my skin. I tweaked the silk over my wrists, ensuring that no portion of my flesh was exposed. “You’re too cautious, honey,” Jolie said. Her soft, clumsy hand came ...
by AllieS
August 4th, 2012, 6:13 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi
Replies: 4
Views: 2073

Re: Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi

Thanks LurkingVirologist and suef! Here's a slightly tweaked version that is hopefully good enough to send out. Let me know what you think! Sixteen-year-old Wren is Tainted. The other survivors of the elemental explosion bear hideous black spider-web scars, but Wren is different. Her skin is pale a...
by AllieS
August 4th, 2012, 10:45 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised-YA Fantasy THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE
Replies: 10
Views: 3353

Re: Query: THE LEGEND OF TAIRN GIRE: A PROPHESY REVISITED

Looks can be deceiving…even in a kingdom celebrating 100 years of peace between Ordinals (ordinary mortals) and Otherkin races. I think I like this hook, but be wary of starting with "looks can be deceiving." It's generic so I'm worried some agents might not look farther. 12 year-old Prince Agmund k...
by AllieS
July 29th, 2012, 1:03 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY (REVISED) - New Version @ Post 8
Replies: 8
Views: 2974

Re: Query snarl: SHADOWPLAY

Thanks for the great feedback on my query LurkingVirologist! I'll try to add what I can here, but I'm responding without reading the other comments so my opinions aren't influenced. The problem with inner demons is they're always trying to gnaw their way out. I like the next line better for a begin...
by AllieS
July 26th, 2012, 3:31 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi
Replies: 4
Views: 2073

Query: OF ICE AND ASHES, YA light sci-fi

Hey all! Here's the query for my new manuscript. Not gonna lie, I haven't been able to pin what subgenre of YA it is, so if you have an opinion please let me know. Thanks for all your help! Sixteen-year-old Wren is Tainted. Spider-web black scars mar the other Tainted banished from Cloven, but Wren...
by AllieS
September 17th, 2011, 3:30 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
Replies: 24
Views: 3985

Re: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...

Born in a city buried underground buried underground city , twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I ...
by AllieS
September 17th, 2011, 12:27 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
Replies: 24
Views: 3985

Re: REVISED QUERY (post 16) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...

Born in a city buried underground, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground Cit...
by AllieS
September 16th, 2011, 4:35 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Following: psychological thriller
Replies: 5
Views: 1191

Re: The Following: psychological thriller

Tyson Palmer is a risk taker, and as a young journalist who would do anything to break his first big story, he is about to take the biggest risk of his life. I agree with Emily J. Cut this. When three seemingly unrelated fires within two weeks are ruled to be arson, I like Emily's eager young journ...
by AllieS
September 15th, 2011, 12:01 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Revised: QUERY: Moonrise, Epic Fantasy
Replies: 26
Views: 3484

Re: Revised: QUERY: Moonrise, Epic Fantasy

The Lunar King bargained what does this mean? what kind of bargain? did he sell her? his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin,...
by AllieS
September 14th, 2011, 11:46 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...
Replies: 24
Views: 3985

Re: REVISED QUERY (post 16) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...

In THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams embarks on a mission to spring the people of the Underground City from the trap set by a reclusive billionaire the night Ethan was born. The next line is a much better beginning. Ethan’s dreame...
by AllieS
September 14th, 2011, 11:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure
Replies: 15
Views: 2845

Re: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure

When fourteen-year-old Sarah Whitman’s parents are slaughtered by pirates while en route to her fiancé, she becomes the captive of her family’s murderers. A little wordy. Try condensing it to something like, "When pirates kill (I chose kill since slaughters make me think of a bloodbath, though that...
by AllieS
September 14th, 2011, 3:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
Replies: 10
Views: 1558

Re: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query

No, I totally agree Ginger. I've tweaked the latest version hoping to show more conflict. Thanks for all your help!
by AllieS
September 13th, 2011, 7:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
Replies: 10
Views: 1558

Re: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query

Thank you Matt and Ginger! I'm trying the chop the query word-count even more, so I removed the part about the preserve. I took your comments in mind as I wrote this new query, so I hope it's cleaner than the last! Most Recent Revision Seventeen-year-old Sophie Rowan doesn’t understand why new-boy-...
by AllieS
September 9th, 2011, 2:37 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure
Replies: 15
Views: 2845

Re: Query: "Griffin's Song" YA Adventure

When fourteen-year-old Sarah Whitman is captured by pirates while en route to her fiancé , This sounds a little awkward. "Wedding" would sound much better. she can’t help feeling relieved at escaping the arranged marriage. There’s one small problem though – the captain of the Griffin's Song, Tiras, ...