Search found 32 matches
- October 19th, 2010, 2:07 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5511
Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
Hopefully I've addressed most of the issues in version six, still in the first post. I shall continue to revise and think and revise and think. DEFINITELY still open to further comments if anyone has more to offer. :)
- October 19th, 2010, 1:59 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death, 4th rev.
- Replies: 15
- Views: 6379
Re: YA Fantasy Query -- Glory or Death
Hey woman. =P Ayla lived alone with her father for sixteen years. Now the goddess of the underworld has come to collect him. His deal with the goddess ten years ago allowed him to live on earth until now. I dunno, I like what you said below this new addition. "Ten years ago, Ayla's father made ...
- October 19th, 2010, 1:38 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
- Replies: 15
- Views: 5963
Re: Another Revision Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. :) After her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser, Jin flees the Empire of Sol. She travels north to seek aid and convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward ridicules her p...
- October 19th, 2010, 1:27 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
- Replies: 22
- Views: 7628
Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query
During a high school field trip, a heated argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed. This act of violence (I'm finding "act of violence" awkward, though I can't quite figure out why...) transports Kat and four of her classmates to another world. Now, instead of m...
- October 19th, 2010, 1:16 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, New take
- Replies: 7
- Views: 2909
Re: I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU ANYWAY, New take
I... Okay, here's what I'm getting from the query. 1. Presley's psychic. 2. Someone wants to kill her. 3. She's in lurve with Reid and Reid shall save the day! Unless he doesn't love her. OH NOS. And here's my issue... What the hell is Presley doing this whole time? Sitting in the dark and twiddling...
- October 15th, 2010, 7:21 pm
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5511
Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
"compel" suggests that he mentally controls them and makes them want to go. Is there a stronger verb, or is that exactly what he does? That's exactly what he does. And he does it in a really creepy manner. So huzzah! Got one thing right...ish. :) Aside from Io's conflict, this makes it so...
- October 15th, 2010, 5:53 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: A Lullaby- YA paranormal romance query
- Replies: 28
- Views: 9809
Re: A Lullaby- YA paranormal romance query
I agree with a lot of Thermocline's suggestions, but at the risk of being repetitive, I'm just going to edit this as I see it :) Agora Beckwith can't congratulate herself for being a superhuman- there are just too many out there like her. She can only hide in the shadows and hope that her destiny wi...
- October 15th, 2010, 5:37 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature
- Replies: 8
- Views: 3401
Re: QUERY - A Scorpion's Nature
This is great. I don't think it needs any big changes, just some cleaning up to make it flow better. My suggestions below. Er, obviously. It sucks to lose every fight, but Ryan Laraway refuses to run from them like his dad, the coward who deserted his fellow soldiers. Ryan lands in youth court after...
- October 15th, 2010, 5:31 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
- Replies: 15
- Views: 5963
Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
I agree with Thermocline, mix up your sentence structure. Otherwise, this is already much better than before! HUZZAH. Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. Still so fab. Jin flees the Empire of Sol after her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adv...
- October 15th, 2010, 5:20 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
- Replies: 22
- Views: 7628
Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query
This is eerily similar to my book! But in a good way, I think. Vampire Diaries meets True Blood sort of way. And also, my name is Kat. Iiiiinterestng. During a school field trip, feisty seventeen-year-old Kat and four of her classmates discover a portal that connects Earth and a world called Creos. ...
- October 14th, 2010, 4:19 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5511
Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
VERSION TWO PLEASE SEE VERSION 3, FIRST POST Did my best to incorporate all of your great suggestions and address all the comments. I'm still not satisfied! I think now it's too long? And I feel like I should cut the adjectives pell-mell, but they make it so shinies... If you see anything that look...
- October 13th, 2010, 9:56 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
- Replies: 13
- Views: 5511
Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
You guys were super helpful the last time! I'm hoping (really, seriously crossing my fingers) that the lack of requests is more a commentary on the query than the plot or the writing. In any case, another letter to set your teeth to! Go forth and conquer! VERSION 5 BASED ON COMMENTS (As of October 1...
- October 13th, 2010, 9:49 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
- Replies: 15
- Views: 5963
Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query
Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. Full of awesome. A fter she discovered that her father was murdered by his most trusted adviser , the man Jin banishes her from her homeland . She then traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the emperor to take action...
- October 13th, 2010, 9:32 am
- Forum: Queries
- Topic: Query SEVENTY-TWO HOURS
- Replies: 7
- Views: 3145
Re: Query SEVENTY-TWO HOURS
Hm... I think you're off to a good start. You've got stakes and a ticking-time bomb and solid potential for character growth, but for some reason the query is reading as forced. Part of it, I think, is the use of cliches. For example, "until their world is blown apart," "life-threaten...
- September 7th, 2010, 10:17 am
- Forum: Procrastination
- Topic: What superpower would you want?
- Replies: 36
- Views: 16880
Re: What superpower would you want?
The ability to correctly eyeball temperature. For example: I'm making caramel, waiting for the sugar-water mixture to reach the desired consistency so it doesn't turn into candy DOOM. My super power allows me to pull it off without having to depend on those new-fangled thermometers. Also works for m...