Nathan Bransford - The Forums

REVISED QUERY I didn't change a much, mostly some word choices and phrases. JQ Dear Agent ..., In an 1880s coal mining town in the heart of the Rocky Mountains Jonathan Blair finds Hell. He knows, because had a glimpse of it before. Blair fell from the pulpit to a life of crime. Convicted for murde...

I like the voice in the query, nice job writing it. The one thing, I think the query is missing is the story question... what's Lillim choice? You already say she's going to kill a dragon, so now what conflict does she face that will decide how the story goes and what are her options and consequenc...

Tim Manning has no soul. Or at least that’s what the latest popular computer application says. Saddled already with a debilitating heart problem, Tim has no desire to participate in the pop culture phenomenon obsessed with his unique soul score. At first, the successful funeral director ignores the...

How do you get such huge themes and ideas into a sentence? I always think it's helpful to turn to Lord of the Rings at times like these. Just from memory you can probably wrap up the main plot in 200 words. Now look at what you've left out. This is the fat you don't need. No Tom Bombadil, no weathe...

I remember this one from your earlier posts. Flows well. Good details. But could use a few tweaks. You have a pretty good setup, world, character and conflict, but the end falls flat. JQ [quote="Hillsy"] Please consider for representation my science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS, w...

When a wildlife photographer witnesses the crash of a mysterious black triangle in Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain of events begins. College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends, beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her sk...

I liked the first one better, it flowed. (but still needs some work.)
The second seems short and choppy.
JQ

New version is several posts below. REVISED QUERY is a few posts below. I think this is the third time around for this one. The manuscript is going through final edits and is almost ready to go. Just need to get the query polished. All comments are welcome JQ - - - ORIGINAL QUERY Dear Agent X, In a...

I don't like this version.
You give the story away to quickly...the nurse.

I'd combine the two and work us to the nurse and missing daughter.
(And I agree to leave out the lover.)

JQ

A few thoughts.... JQ In his world, where everything is built on fact, Detective Alex Mendez discovers the hard way that nothing is as it appears. Even the most compelling DNA evidence is far from irrefutable. (Nice opening) Battling personal demons (cliche) after his wife died, Alex has passive ra...

Skyla has been (Lots of passive verbs in here) called a witch her entire life, but she never thought they meant it literally. Up until now, Skyla has just been a girl unpopular at school, a girl who sees stories in people’s shadows as they play against the walls. She always thought it was just a ga...

Mary-Catharine, I'm guessing you saw the short query on QueryShark similar to this one. I like the idea but it doesn't have the cadence, the pop, to make it work. Read it out loud, I think you'll see what I mean. It almost needs to be poetry. And what does, "keep control" mean? Would she ...

Ermo, I don't agree with everything Quill wrote, but he is absolutely correct about needing more clarification in some spots. QueryShark say's to let your readers make logical connections in the query, I think you just need to find that balance. JQ Tim Manning has no soul. Or at least that’s what t...

"When an ancient dragon awakens, Lillim must find a way to stop the evil drake before Warthor destroys the creature, along with most of the planet." That's good. Also, is it unclear why Warthor and Lillim are both opposing each other even though they have the same goal? Correct, unclear. ...

Yes, that reads better. I know you don't want to fill the query with a bunch of info/stuff, but I read this and think I'm missing a plot point here. I just want to clarify... Lilliam and Warthor both want to stop the dragon? Yet are fighting against each other? Now you have to answer (simply) anothe...