Search found 16 matches

by bforlenza
November 19th, 2011, 4:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Beyond Paradise
Replies: 5
Views: 1101

Re: Query for Beyond Paradise

whipslip....thanks for your input...
by bforlenza
November 10th, 2011, 9:00 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query
Replies: 12
Views: 2317

Re: Query for Blood Red Turns Dollar Green

Paul...Sounds like a great story, but sadly if you can't get an agent to read your query I'm never going to be able to read it. First let me say that I am a novice, but one thing I have heard a million times is pick out your main character, what his problem is, what it will cost him and what he will...
by bforlenza
November 4th, 2011, 9:38 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 720
Views: 284954

Re: Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog

BEYOND PARADISE Romantic Suspense Work Count: 250 After a few erratic twists of the steering wheel, Cheryl got the Jaguar close enough to the curb. The no-parking sign on the sidewalk didn’t bother her. Let the damn thing get towed. A visit to the Brooklyn Impound Lot would serve PJ right. She check...
by bforlenza
November 4th, 2011, 9:26 am
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 120921

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear Mr. Bransford: Self defense makes Cheryl Benson kill her abusive lover. Blackmail makes her marry the only witness to the crime. A Long Island millionaire who needs a wife to secure his inheritance. Trapped in a loveless marriage Cheryl escapes to the Paradise Lounge for a few hours of freedom....
by bforlenza
November 3rd, 2011, 9:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Beyond Paradise
Replies: 5
Views: 1101

Re: Query for Beyond Paradise

Moni and wilderness....Thanks so much for your input. And yes I know you are right regarding the spousal abuse. But of course my character is not a criminal justice student, lawyer, police officer or any other person that would know the law and how it reads. She is a desperate woman who commits murd...
by bforlenza
November 2nd, 2011, 5:15 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query for Beyond Paradise
Replies: 5
Views: 1101

Query for Beyond Paradise

Here is a new and hopefully improved query for Beyond Paradise.....All comments and suggestions welcomed....thanks.... When Cheryl Benson kills her abusive lover in self defense, she believes she is finally safe. Until, the only witness to the crime, a Long Island millionaire, blackmails her into ma...
by bforlenza
October 18th, 2011, 10:05 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

Thanks so much for your input. Will definitely look over your suggestions. As we all know what the agents want is a gamble and you never know but will keep moving on.
by bforlenza
October 1st, 2011, 11:43 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

Thanks Chantelle....Have been working on and using all the helpful hints that you and others have supplied. Am attending a writer's conference in November and am hoping to have this piece in shape to read aloud. Thanks again....
by bforlenza
September 27th, 2011, 9:38 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

Thanks so much Animia....Have been away due to a family emergency and just signed on and saw your post....Very helpful and useful critique...Will def make the changes you suggested....Again much thanks....
by bforlenza
September 12th, 2011, 7:38 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

MZ......Its all good and I appreciate your input...As far as I'm concerned the query, and first pages are 50% luck and 50% talent. Have read many queries that go against all the rules and yet make the grade and others that follow the rules and get rejected. So it is always abt talent and that is ob...
by bforlenza
September 9th, 2011, 8:36 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

MZ......Its all good and I appreciate your input...As far as I'm concerned the query, and first pages are 50% luck and 50% talent. Have read many queries that go against all the rules and yet make the grade and others that follow the rules and get rejected. So it is always abt talent and that is obj...
by bforlenza
September 8th, 2011, 11:07 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

MZ....Thanks so much for the helpful feedback. Interesting what you said abt the beginning, but was happy you got a feel for it as it went on. Just interested....Since you said you don't read my genre, what do you usually read?
by bforlenza
September 7th, 2011, 9:05 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: Prologue - Diary of an escaped con
Replies: 6
Views: 1989

Re: Prologue - Diary of an escaped con

Agree with Ginger about the switching of tenses. Makes it inconsistent. But with that said, I found myself reading and finishing. Good premise, just needs to be polished and tightened as there are also many unnecessay words, and repeating of the same thought....Good luck..
by bforlenza
September 7th, 2011, 8:58 am
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

Re: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

Thanks Ginger for the positive feedback, and sorry for the omission of genre......It is a romantic suspense, completed at 88,000 words. Cheryl is fleeing her abusive husband who blackmailed her into marriage. While hiding out at the Paradise Lounge, she finds love and intrigue.
by bforlenza
September 6th, 2011, 4:39 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"
Replies: 15
Views: 4464

First Page of "Beyond the Paradise"

Looking for any and all comments. One agent said "Good writing, but not great" So in short I'm looking to make it great....thanks for any help you can offer.... Paradise Lounge Chapter 1 After a few erratic twists of the steering wheel, Cheryl got the Jaguar close enough to the curb. The no-parking ...