Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Omigosh! Your reply makes me think I should delete my previous one! You've moved even further from what I wanted to convey! Yikes. The Mar'rdiin are primordial as in primordial soup, so at least that worked. They are not aquatic in any way shape or form. However, the original arabic myth is that the...

Hi Sleeping Beauty thank you for critiquing. I'll start with your last point first - intentionally excluded - but thanks for making the effort to point it out, because you didn't know and it would be dreadful not to include those things. You're pretty much well there with the names - Aimon [eye-mon]...

I'm a long time lurker and have watched the query struggle. Now it's my time. Genies are supposed to live in bottles and grant wishes. Mermaids are supposed to have tails and shipwreck sailors. Maybe that's why Alassa has never told her children, Aimon and Leuca, her big secret. When a diving trip t...

I worked on your original, and I think it still stands except you may want to elaborate about Eric's sister, as you did in the revision. Ordinary When thirteen-year-old Eric Ortega wakes up surrounded by hospital equipment and covered with a flowered quilt, he's just a little confused. . Before he c...

Comments in blue. You've a good writing style, but what you want to say about your story isn't clear to me. Using words which mean alive when you talk about the dead is confusing. Can you try to do it differently please. I think the story has potential. Thanks again everyone for the input. Here's a ...

Comments in bold. Thirty-year-old Raine Jensen grew up with devoutly religious parents who labeled everything as good or evil, and seeing ghosts was definitely evil. [Works better in present tense.] Her black and white world blurs to gray after Raine helps a ghost bring her killer to justice. Still ...

Suggestions in blue. Comments in bold. This was difficult to reword, because of missing information which made the logic seem odd. I'm sure you know how your story is working, but this query is not showing your logic. Spell-check is handy, too. 100 years of peace between Ordinals (ordinary mortals) ...

WOW! This ratcheted the action up! SO glad to hear you landed an agent. Keep us posted on how the consideration of the manuscript goes. CONGRATULATIONS! Dear Rosa has to run, her life depends on it. Another life now depends on her too: The one growing inside her. Resembling the concentric rings of a...

Ditto, new here too. Although I drop in and read as guest frequently, this is the first time to post. Mendicant writer currently in Singapore, onto my second novel, in the querying stage. Had a couple of partial requests, but I'm not happy with the query yet. Like to look at other's work and help if...