Search found 15 matches

by Erin
November 12th, 2010, 1:57 pm
Forum: Excerpts
Topic: First 250 words: YA fantasy
Replies: 10
Views: 2730

Re: First 250 words: YA fantasy

I liked it. It was slightly random, which works for YA. I definitely got the anxiety and tension. But the last line deflated it a bit. Also, I think a hint or tease as to what it is, might be beneficial. Overall - Nice job.

I'm curious, it the MC a girl or boy?
by Erin
November 9th, 2010, 4:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?

Hi Erin, The second one seems to be a better choice, but there are still a few issues: ** VERSION B *** Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family. After a drunk driver kills her husband, eldest son and daughter, Emily...
by Erin
November 9th, 2010, 3:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Romance Query: COVET *Revision 3 posted (4.5.11)*
Replies: 19
Views: 3612

Re: Romance Query: COVET * Revision posted at end*

Dear Agent, Lucas has always loved Adelais. Even as a boy when she’d kick his shins for stuffing frogs down her smock. It’s best she knows nothing of this love; he could never make her happy. I agree with priya g. As a professional soldier for the King’s Elite Army, Lucas is a highly ranked and , hi...
by Erin
November 9th, 2010, 9:27 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?

That damn sliver of light at the end of the tunnel was only a shard of glass stuck in a rock! <grin> Based on additional feedback, I created version B. I have to be honest and say I'm at a loss deciding which way to go, so I'm throwing it out there for additional critique and feedback. *** VERSION ...
by Erin
November 8th, 2010, 12:36 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART * REVISION #4*

Thank you all for your suggestions. Hell doesn't quite describe the query writing process. ; ) My query was posted on Phoenix Sullivan's site this morning and she gave some great feedback as well. I will be posting an alternative query tomorrow and I'd love your comments. I think I see a sliver of l...
by Erin
November 8th, 2010, 8:59 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART * REVISION #?*

And ... one more time ... Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family. After a drunk driver kills her husband, eldest son and daughter, Emily is left alone to raise her youngest son. Shadowed by the memory of her abusiv...
by Erin
November 7th, 2010, 2:44 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query - Breaking the Rules (Chick Lit)
Replies: 17
Views: 3048

Re: Query - Breaking the Rules (Chick Lit)

Dear Ms/Mr X: BREAKING THE RULES is a fast-paced chick-lit novel that tells the story of what happens when you have to redefine the rules of love, friendship and family in order to find yourself. [ I think this belongs at the bottom. Start strong with "When twenty-seven ..." ] When twenty-seven year...
by Erin
November 7th, 2010, 1:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART * REVISION #3*

Let's give this one a go! Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s painful suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family. After a drunk driver kills her husband, eldest son and daughter, Emily is left alone to raise her youngest child. Shadowed by the intimidati...
by Erin
November 6th, 2010, 11:24 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART * REVISED*

Okay, I've taken all your great comments and revised ... again! Please let me know what you think. Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s painful suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family. After a drunk driver kills her husband, eldest son and daughter, Em...
by Erin
November 5th, 2010, 6:17 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART * REVISED*

Wow ...I really LOVE this forum!!! Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I am revising and will post the new version tomorrow. THANK YOU!!!!!
by Erin
November 5th, 2010, 11:52 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

Re: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART

Hi Erin, Okay, a couple things here. "Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease a man’s suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family. (good hook, but can it be even tighter?) After her husband, (perhaps insert ‘eldest’ here, since she has two sons and the younger is the o...
by Erin
November 4th, 2010, 7:30 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: RESCUE MY SOUL - YA Gritty Novel
Replies: 10
Views: 1485

Re: RESCUE MY SOUL - YA Gritty Novel

I know I haven't totally finished my HALEY query yet, but this is the query for the book that I plan on writing for NaNoWriMo, so I wanted an opinion it it before I started. What do you think? ======= Dear Agent, Nineteen year-old Janet Nakano loves her brother Jude. That's why she has to kill his ...
by Erin
November 4th, 2010, 7:07 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Little Black Box - Urban fantasy query *3RD REVISION*
Replies: 12
Views: 1824

Re: The Little Black Box - Urban fantasy query

After a complete life implosion that ends with no farm, no horses, no dogs, and living with my sister, I'm back with Attempt #LostTrack. Let's throw this one off the troika, see if the wolves devour it. Dear (specific agent name): There's a vampire loose in Savannah, a girl is missing, dead bodies ...
by Erin
November 4th, 2010, 4:25 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?
Replies: 23
Views: 2930

QUERY - TRIAL OF THE HEART - Which one?

Hello! I am new to the forum and grateful I found it. I revised my query (after 9 rejections) and posted it below. Feedback would be greatly apprecaited. Thank you!!! : ) ** Newest Revision is on page 2 ** Dear (Specific Agent), Emily Hennas has the power to ease a man’s suffering--the man responsib...
by Erin
November 4th, 2010, 3:55 pm
Forum: Nominate Your Query or First Page for a Critique on the Blog
Topic: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog
Replies: 213
Views: 118745

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Dear Mr. Bransford, Emily Hennas has the power to ease a man’s suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family. After her husband, son and daughter are killed by a drunk driver, Emily is left alone to raise her youngest son. She moves to New York, to be near her brother, and faces the most d...