Search found 13 matches

by caseygriffin2
October 26th, 2010, 12:09 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Thanks priya g. I tried to answer all of your concerns. Maybe I made it worse, maybe not. The only thing I didn't really want to change (and tell me if I'm way off base here) is why the country's leader would kill Kat. I know your not supposed to be vague in a query letter, but revealing why she wou...
by caseygriffin2
October 23rd, 2010, 9:48 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: A Lullaby: giving it another shot
Replies: 26
Views: 3334

Re: A Lullaby: giving it another shot

Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, its getting shorter I had to read this a couple of times. Something just seems a little off about it. Try rewording it and adding something about your main character. I think the word brighter seems a bit funny, though I do get the wh...
by caseygriffin2
October 23rd, 2010, 8:33 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Okay, so my last posting didn't go so well. I think I got frustrated with then length and went about it all the wrong way, but I think this is a better attempt. Dear Agent; While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, an act that transpor...
by caseygriffin2
October 21st, 2010, 3:06 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Okay, so I've got a lot of great feedback lately, but now I'm more lost than ever. Since one little detail led to more questions, more answers and more length, I decided to scrap a lot of it and make it more straight to the point and really make my conflict clear at the beginning. This definitely he...
by caseygriffin2
October 19th, 2010, 9:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Thanks katbrauer. I think I'm getting pretty close now. I liked your suggestion about the "mean girls". That sentence seemed like too much of a simple statement of fact and might flow better now. I think I changed everything you suggested except for the word "enlist". I feel like the sentence is mor...
by caseygriffin2
October 18th, 2010, 4:04 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN -- Revision No. 1
Replies: 12
Views: 2448

Re: QUERY -- THE FERRYMAN

Dear Agent, Charlie wants what any man wants: love, adventure and the coins of recently deceased souls. Hmmmm, interested. He thought an afterlife as a ferryman was a lucky break. That gondola-rowing skeleton on his T-Shirt sure seems satisfied I'm not sure what this means. Is this a t-shirt he wear...
by caseygriffin2
October 18th, 2010, 12:26 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Thanks fishfood! I made all the changes you suggested. They were great and sounded perfect. I'm feeling pretty good about this version. Thanks to all of you who helped me. Dear Agent; During a high school field trip, a heated argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed. This ...
by caseygriffin2
October 15th, 2010, 9:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Wow, you guys have been great! There were a lot of helpful suggestions to work through. I just hope I addressed them all. I think I'm still having some trouble with the passive voice rather than showing the story through the main characters actions, but hopefully the hook is better. I see now that I...
by caseygriffin2
October 15th, 2010, 7:19 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: The Little Black Box - Urban fantasy query *3RD REVISION*
Replies: 12
Views: 1898

Re: The Little Black Box - Urban fantasy query

Dear (specific agent): There's a vampire loose in Savannah, and Rachel Marsh sold the little black box it came out of. Rachel is a witch and shop owner in downtown Savannah making her living selling Too many --ing "making living selling. Could we try "who makes her living" And the other poster had a...
by caseygriffin2
October 15th, 2010, 1:42 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Re: Young Adult Fantasy Query

Thanks to both of you for your great suggestions. I tried to address all of your comments. I hope I answered all your questions, though I still seem to want to put too much info into once sentence. I'm a little worried about the length of it now and I'm also wondering if the opening sentence is a li...
by caseygriffin2
October 14th, 2010, 5:53 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Young Adult Fantasy Query
Replies: 22
Views: 2948

Young Adult Fantasy Query

Hi, this is my first time asking for feedback on my query letter. I haven't queried all that many agents, but I haven't had a bite yet, so I thought I would take another look at my letter before I continue. After checking out some of the other posts on this site, I don't know why I've never done thi...
by caseygriffin2
October 14th, 2010, 3:57 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query
Replies: 18
Views: 2444

Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered. That's an awesome opening. After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when Maybe use "and" instead of "when" it sound like her threat via makeup is the sole...
by caseygriffin2
October 13th, 2010, 1:52 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query
Replies: 13
Views: 2411

Re: Mouths - YA Fantasy: All rejections, no requests = new query

PERSONALIZATION. MOUTHS is a young adult fantasy, complete at 85,000 words. In order to escape a dangerous parallel world, three disparate teenagers—a jock, a geek, and a chick who doesn't like labels, thank-you-very-much—must overcome their mutual distrust while eluding the monk who yanked them fro...