Search found 109 matches

by glj
November 28th, 2011, 1:16 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Double Star Revised
Replies: 13
Views: 2082

Re: Query: Double Star Revised

What if our world does not exist alone? Double Star is the story of a girl whose idea of home becomes lost to the stars, her struggle to cope with the changes around her and the strangers she’s befriended ... all while trying to stay a step ahead of the one who drew her into this strange place and t...
by glj
November 17th, 2011, 3:47 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Double Star
Replies: 6
Views: 985

Re: Query: Double Star

This is better organized. But it still focuses on setup, and on Ally's life BEFORE the main conflict (or at least what seems to be the main conflict). But a dark force, one who drew her into this world is watching. He’s waited for centuries to travel that particular passage, to wreak havoc upon the ...
by glj
November 13th, 2011, 7:12 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Double Star
Replies: 6
Views: 985

Re: Query: Double Star

Really great feeback! Thank you very,very much. I knew there was something wrong just couldn't figure out what is was. If I rework, would you consider providing your wonderful insight again?
Sure.
by glj
November 13th, 2011, 4:28 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query idea: MARKED - YA
Replies: 11
Views: 1485

Re: Query idea: MARKED - YA

My name is Calista, and I have a Clear designation. I was seventeen when the Consilium marked me, and I let them. They told me I was unique, and I believed them. Not bad, and I've seen the Query Shark posting you refer to, but this feels like it could be more engaging. To me, since the "marking" is...
by glj
November 13th, 2011, 4:21 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: Double Star
Replies: 6
Views: 985

Re: Query: Double Star

This could be much clearer and much more engaging. Not bad for a first effort, but it gives little detail of what conflict and danger the protagonist faces. Does what too many queries do, and gives vague details and tells the reader that there will be conflict in the story instead of showing the rea...
by glj
September 5th, 2011, 12:24 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query
Replies: 10
Views: 1616

Re: TELL ME THIS (formerly REDDO), YA Urban Fantasy new query

Hi, Allie. I'm glad that you are continuing to work on your query. Do not give up. I agree that the bullet points need to go. I've never seen bullet points used in fiction. They keep your letter from reading smoothly. How about: All she knows is, when she sees Connor, her first instinct (amazingly) ...
by glj
July 30th, 2011, 12:46 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP
Replies: 126
Views: 29317

Re: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP

There is a lot of overwriting in this. Drop the excessive descriptors, as they don't make it more dramatic, they just get tiresome to read. And strain credulity. My take is that a hunting party has returned, and Keturah is watching for her son to arrive, as he is the only missing member of the hunti...
by glj
July 30th, 2011, 12:32 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP
Replies: 126
Views: 29317

Re: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP

This has good imagery. And a bit of tension. I felt connected to the narrator. I felt a little confusion about whether the Cairumen live above ground. Maybe the reference to "town" and "the Underground" to me implied that Cairumen was not part of the Underground. No suggestion, but maybe you can mak...
by glj
July 30th, 2011, 12:19 pm
Forum: Writing
Topic: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP
Replies: 126
Views: 29317

Re: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP

Wordranger, this is well written. But it didn't really grab me. Hooking interest is very hard, and is quite dependent on the reader as well as the author, but this didn't compel me to read more. A hint of what is at stake in this argument would be more compelling. Some suggestions below. Grown-ups f...
by glj
July 30th, 2011, 12:23 am
Forum: Writing
Topic: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP
Replies: 126
Views: 29317

Re: 250 Word Sharathon--post the opening of your WIP

WIZARD SEEKING TROPHY BRIDE Grandpap was sitting at the table, waiting for me. “Sonny, I have made a decision!” He twirled a hand in the air. “Do you want to know what it is?” He looked at me with those glimmering eyes of his. “I am going to take a wife.” “A wife, you say?” I picked up the only piec...
by glj
July 20th, 2011, 11:41 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: *Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR
Replies: 40
Views: 7199

Re: *Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR

I'm one of the people who loved the attitude in your query. It is so hard to write a query that stands out and that so prominently displays the MC's character, that I would not necessarily change the query because an agent thought it was too clever. Figuring out what agents want is something that ev...
by glj
July 14th, 2011, 9:38 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: Query: NO SHELTER FROM DARKNESS (horror)
Replies: 13
Views: 2963

Re: Query: NO SHELTER FROM DARKNESS (horror)

Mark, glad to be of help. This is HUGELY improved! I find this compelling and gives me enough info to identify with Beth. And now I understand what is bringing Beth and Bill to the point of conflict. Dear [agent], While a ravaged London emerges from the Blitz, Beth–an adolescent orphan–starts to hea...
by glj
July 13th, 2011, 10:53 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Virtual Genesis
Replies: 6
Views: 1201

Re: Virtual Genesis

Thanks to all who commented. Regarding putting more of the main characters in, I have been struggling with this. The six team members are all main characters, so I may have to pick one and write the query from that POV. My problem has been that all six are integral and there is no character who is t...
by glj
July 12th, 2011, 6:04 pm
Forum: Queries
Topic: THE ENEMY WITHIN (Historical Fiction): New Version - Page 3
Replies: 41
Views: 6349

Re: THE ENEMY WITHIN (Historical Fiction): New Version - Page 3

Congratulations! I am happy to see that your hard work paid off. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Let us know if you hear anything back.
by glj
July 10th, 2011, 2:11 am
Forum: Queries
Topic: Virtual Genesis
Replies: 6
Views: 1201

Virtual Genesis

Dear _, Please consider my science fiction manuscript VIRTUAL GENESIS, complete at 100,000 words. It will appeal to science fiction fans and video gamers, such as those who buy the Halo books. The six friends of the Sleepless Knights team have sensors implanted inside their skulls so they can play t...