Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear (Agent), Jessica and her room mate, Grace, were the best of friends. With their college days almost over and love in the air, life seemed full of potential. So when Grace announced that she’s been asked to apply for an Administrative Assistant position at a prestigious local company, Jessica wa...

Dear [Agent], A vampire is unwittingly raised by a human family, and must face her sinister legacy in order to salvage her human existence. Some agents like log-lines, and some don't. I have seen agents state that the log-line is a one-sentence summary of the story, which is then re-told below in th...

Thanks for your feedback glj. I find this query thing so confusing. As you should, I'm afraid. A good query is very hard to write. But don't get discouraged. ;) Everything I've read and the agents I've spoken to give conflicting advice. For example, the whole "horror audience" thing is the...

Not bad, but most of the query is written as you the author telling the agent what you think the story is and what people should see it as. Not terribly compelling. Can you write it to make me experience it through the senses of the main character? That would be far more interesting. A vampire is un...

Dear (Agent), Jessica Hartley and Grace Sullivan are roommates and best friends. Life for both is at an all-time high as they finish college, find love, and begin their hunt for the perfect jobs. Grace finds hers first, at prestigious KM&S, leaving Jessica to focus her energy on the handsome Det...

It is the year 1949. Sidney Dexter plies his trade as a private detective in New Futura, a wondrous city of tomorrow with the fantastic 1939 World’s Fair at its center. Consider adding a modifier such as "the old 1939 World's Fair" or some such, as the two dates in the first line caused me...

This has some weak spots, but it has some real strong areas, too. Comments and suggestions below. What happens when a sixteen-year-old girl and her eighteen-year-old adopted brother fall in love? "Annie and Will", a 106,000-word novel set in the 1960's, is a family drama that follows the G...

This first paragraph was serving as my log line, so that’s why I mentioned going to England, etc. I have three options: Leave it vague, expound upon it, or drop it altogether. I chose the log line method after reading an article on Agent Query, but now that I think about it, it seems that a lot of ...

This is clear and concise. Well done! I have a few small suggestions below. Dee Lykos is one of a small number of people who knows about the demon-infested parallel universe that nestles beneath the human world like a dark twin. Clients contract drivers like Dee to smuggle cargo through the demonve...

Most child prodigies burn out before they rise to any recognition , but Elizabeth “Liz” Choi refuses to let that happen. I don't think you need a paragraph break. While her classmates hang out at the Tucson Mall, Liz practises piano for three hours a day. While other kids go to parties, Liz and her ...

Hi Caroline. This is steadily improving. Comments and suggestions below. When nineteen year old Julienne Dalton decides to take down the Union after a band of renegade soldiers kill her father, she doesn’t count on falling in love with the enemy , or that his betrayal would lead her from the war tor...

This is better than the first version. Good work. Overall, the story sounds interesting. But you might be able to punch it up a little more. I am seeking representation for CURSED, a 77,000 word YA paranormal thriller for young adults . Seventeen-year-old outcast Lysander Shore is determined to put ...

I have to agree with JMB--this does not reveal enough of the plot to hook my interest. Yes, it says that "bad things happen to Tommy", but a conflict is implicit in any novel. It is the specifics of the conflict that might make me want to read on. This is just setup, really. Dear [Agent na...

This is much better and is clearer than before. Good work! I hope my suggestions below are helpful and do not make things worse. :) When her father is murdered by Union soldiers in 1862 Kentucky, nineteen-year-old Julienne Dalton is left an orphan with a ruined horse farm. Great setup with only a si...

Overall, it flows well. Some small suggestions below. Raised to assume Inherit? Take over? When I read "assume", I assumed that Julienne was making some unlucky presumption. Nitpicky? Yes. her family’s famed horse breeding business, Julienne Dalton is more at home on the back of a horse th...